On Gossips, Meddlers and Busybodies

There is a sin, so destructive that it rips apart families, destroys friendships and decimates entire covenant communities. There is a sin, so reprehensible, that God associates it with the worst sorts of wickedness. There is a sin, so heinous, that God gives only the most epistemologically self-conscious reprobates over to it. There is a sin so pervasive that it is gleefully practiced in every evangelical congregation in America. That horrible, filthy, and monstrous sin is sticking your nose where it does not belong.

Now, of all the great temptations afflicting the modern evangelical church, heresies, faithlessness, idolatry, false worship, being a busybody SEEMS as if it is a minor kind of sin. After all, everyone does it, including pastors and elders (and most notoriously, pastors’ and elders’ wives). Yet, unlawfully meddling in other people’s affairs is in fact condemned with the harshest sort of language in Scripture.

Consider for example Peter’s statement in 1 Peter 4:15 where he says, “by no means let any of you suffer as a murderer or thief or evildoer or a troublesome meddler.” Do you not find it interesting that in a list of sins which include murder, theft and general “evil doing,” Peter tacks on “troublesome meddler?” In other words, he is equating a person who unlawfully involves himself in some one else’s affairs with the most extreme forms wickedness! The context of the 1 Peter passage is suffering; the list above are all reasons NOT to suffer. In the very next passage, Peter says that if someone does have to suffer, let him suffer “as a Christian.” Did you get that? If you suffer for being a murderer, thief, evildoer or troublesome meddler, in effect, you are NOT a Christian!

In 2 Timothy 3:3, when warning of coming apostasy, Paul says, “For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding to a form of godliness although they have denied its power; avoid such men as these. For among them are those who enter into households and captivate weak women…” Please notice that in this horrendous list of terrible sins, sins that are a sign of the worst sorts of moral apostasy, Paul includes malicious gossips and warns of men who unlawfully enter households to take advantage of weak women.

Finally, look at what Paul says about the consistently reprobate in Romans 1:29; “being filled with all unrighteousness, wickedness, greed, evil, full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice; they are gossips.” Again, we have a divinely inspired Apostle creating a ghastly list of horrendous sins as representing the epitome of “all unrighteousness” and “wickedness.” And at the end, he says “they are gossips.” God says through the Apostle Paul that gossips are equated with every other pernicious evil.

And of course there are other passages that deal with the same problem; Proverbs 20:19, Titus 2:3, 2 Corinthians 12:20, and 2 Thessalonians 3:11, etc. all of which state that unlawfully meddling in someone else’s business is a sign of wickedness, godlessness and an unregenerate heart. Clearly, Christians need to rethink the “peccadillo” of gossip and meddling; apparently, God thinks these sins are far more serious, far more deadly and far worse than does the average believer.

Now some may object that I am including gossip with being a busybody; and it is true that they are in fact distinct. However, both stem from the same basic problem; an ungodly desire to usurp dominion over another person’s life; in other words they are distinct symptoms of the same disease. “Meddling” is directly attempting to influence or control a person; literally “prying into another’s affairs.” It is involving one’s self in matters that are literally, “none of your business.” Yet, gossip is also unlawfully being involved in another person’s affairs by sharing negative information to people who are not a part of the problem or a part of the solution. God forbids it, not just because it is hurtful to another, but because it is none of the gossip’s business, he has no lawful right to talk about “the problem” and he has no right to involve other people in it either.

Meddling and Original Sin

Some may wonder what the difference is between LAWFUL involvement in another’s life and being a “busybody” unlawfully “meddling.” To answer that question requires us to take a step back for a moment and discuss the nature of sin itself. All sins are violations of God’s Moral Law; this is basic Christian theology. However, what many Christians have not considered is the fundamental sin that gives rise to every other sin; the sin of Adam in the Garden. When Adam ate from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, he was not just breaking some legalistic rule God had set up; instead, he wanted to be AS God, knowing good and evil for himself. Thus, the first sin was idolatry; an attempt to usurp the privilege of God and to BE God, determining good and evil based on his own criteria.

Original sin was not just stealing a piece of fruit from a tree; nor breaking an arbitrary rule but committing a revolutionary act whereby Adam wanted to become a god in his own right. Adam committed a huge sin, blaspheming the nature of God by trying to take to himself the attributes of God. And every human sin, in some way or another, can be traced back to this sinful orientation inherited from Adam. Every time a man sins, he does so because he wants what HE wants, rather than what God wants. Sinful men want to call evil “good” and good “evil;” just look at our modern culture embracing fornication, adultery and sodomy and persecuting those who refuse to accept these “alternative” lifestyles. All the great kings and emperors of history attempted unlawful dominion over others to glorify their own names; remember when God had to put Nebuchadnezzar in his place for self-exaltation?

Each and every one of the Ten Commandments are prohibitions of sinful desires to be as God; to worship as one pleases rather than as God wills, to rebel against lawful authority that God has established, to take the life, wife, property or reputation of others because WE want what WE want, when we want it. Never mind for a moment the pragmatic arguments for the superiority of the Moral Law as a social and legal code (and of course it certainly IS a superior way to live); God in the Ten Commandments shows how our sinful orientation opposes His will because we want to BE God.

Now, when Christ through His Spirit enters a sinful heart and breathes new life into it, giving a man the ability to understand and receive the gospel, that basic, sinful orientation is changed. Rather than being enemies of God seeking to dethrone Him and replace His authority with our own, now we become “sons of God” and want to live in humble submission to Him. However, the process of working out that salvation in fear and trembling takes a lifetime; in fact, though we do not have time to discuss this here I would argue that it takes multiple generations for sanctification to work itself out in every aspect of a culture. Here though we need only note that though our basic orientation is changed, every one of us needs to learn HOW to bring every area of life into submission to King Jesus.

And that is where the problem comes in; for though our heart has been changed, often our thinking, priorities and values have not yet been sanctified. And therefore, even though forgiven and restored to a proper relationship with God, many of us will struggle with this old sinful desire to be as God, determining good and evil based on our own subjective standards.

And one way that many of us will struggle is the temptation to take unlawful dominion over others. This is the basic motivation of the gossip, busybody or meddler. They are not satisfied with living their own lives or dealing with their own problems, but they want to involve themselves with the lives of others, criticizing, judging, condemning, finding fault, etc. Now, maybe there is some psychological problem here that adds “fuel to the fire” in that some of us learn how to get the heat off ourselves by lighting other people on fire. I have certainly met a lot of people during the past thirty-three years of being a Christian who were so busy “taking the splinter” out of other people’s eyes that they never seemed to notice the huge logs sticking out of their own!

Whatever the reason, spiritual or psychological, a lot of Christians seem to get upset, angry, bitter, frustrated or depressed because they are unlawfully concerned with what is happening in other people’s lives. If the object of their meddling will not submit to their unlawful attempt at dominion, they will then use gossip and slander to ruin the person’s reputation with others. Oh, all this is often couched in the most “spiritual” of terms because the meddler “really” has the best interests of the other person at heart. Thus they may want to “share a prayer request” for “poor brother So and So.”  But at heart, they want the other person to SUBMIT to them; and they can be quite vicious if they do not get their way.

Lawful vs. Unlawful Involvement

Now, someone is bound to ask here that as Christians, bound together by the Holy Spirit into one spiritual temple, are we not supposed to be involved in each other’s lives? Well, the short answer is “yes and no” or better yet, “what do you mean by ‘involved?” There are many exhortations, encouragements and commands for Christians to love each other, stand by each other, speak the truth in love for one another and even to correct, rebuke and admonish one another (e.g., Col 3:16). So clearly, if a brother is in sin, then we have a moral responsibility for his own spiritual welfare, to speak to him (to HIM, privately, not anyone else Matt 18:15ff) seeking to win him from his folly.

However, believe it or not, the problem we are discussing is not confronting sin, but rather that a busybody applies his own subjective values, priorities or beliefs to another. There are many things in Scripture that are left to personal discretion and no one is to judge another one way or the other. For example, in Romans 14, the Apostle Paul specifically addresses a first century problem that threatened to cause schism between Jewish and Gentile Christians; whether or not it was proper to eat meat sacrificed to idols. The Jews held a very sincere belief that it was WRONG; the Gentiles knew that some pagan priest muttering a prayer to some non-existent god didn’t change the fact that meat was just meat! Paul actually sides theologically with the Gentiles but he does not rebuke the Jews for their sincere but mistaken belief. Instead, he told the Gentiles to stop feeling so smug and superior and not to use their liberty in Christ to cause their Jewish brothers to do something that went against their conscience.

Today of course, this particular controversy is irrelevant; at least I have not heard of anyone having a “crises of conscience” over whether some pagan had prayed over his sirloin before he threw it on the grill. But the principle remains; there are many issues that God has left to individual conscience and we are free to make decisions in these areas; decisions that NO ONE here on earth has the right to judge or criticize.

But the busybody will have none of that. He will judge another, cast doubts on the person’s maturity, integrity, and character just because that person does something that does not meet the meddler’s approval. The meddler may be upset because the other person watches TV programs he does not find “edifying”, or read something other than super-spiritual theology. He may allow his children to play sports (or may not allow his kids to play sports). He may not maintain his house the way the meddler thinks it should be maintained (either being too finicky or too lax). In other words, the busybody wants to force others to live the way that HE thinks is good, wise and proper.

The fact that occasionally (in my experience, rarely) the busybody may actually be RIGHT does not justify his meddling. Sure, if the other guy had your brains, your talent, and your life experience, he just might dress, act and work, JUST LIKE YOU! But you know, he is not you - he is the person God providentially created. And if the Lord did not declare something to be a part of His Moral Law, then no one has the right to tell other people how to live their lives.

Hence, there is often a tremendous sense of arrogance amongst meddlers; even the most super-spiritual, “kindly” ones. They do not seem to understand or appreciate that people are DIFFERENT, with different backgrounds, basic abilities and life experiences. Not everyone can do what you can do; not everyone is always going to be as smart as you are, as talented, as motivated, as diligent or as disciplined because they are DIFFERENT! And since only God can read the hidden recesses of the human heart, only HE can judge whether a person has been faithfully discharging his responsibilities before God. Sometimes I wonder if the meddlers, even the best intentioned ones, understand that other people may not achieve their level of “success” in life for a number of legitimate reasons that exist solely in God’s providence. Sometimes, I am amazed at how blind some meddlers can be to their own short-comings as parents, Christians and friends (the worst sort of busybodies seem oblivious to their own sins; but that’s going back to splinters and logs again).

The Lawful Limits of Authority

God as the sovereign King of Creation delegates authority to certain spheres; family, church and state. Tyranny occurs whenever one sphere attempts to unlawfully involve itself in the legitimate activities of another sphere. The family does not run the church; and the church is supposed to teach, but not run the family. The State has a duty to act as an avenger of evil but may not dictate to the church or the family. Of course in this wicked, modern world, the State has unlawfully attempted to tyrannize both the church and the family; but most of us Reformed Christians have been speaking out against that for years.

What we have not been so good at declaring is that the same sphere sovereignty works within our communities and our relationships. One man may no more lawfully involve himself in the household affairs of another, than one State can dictate terms to a neighboring State; or one church dictate how another church may worship.

“But wait,” I can hear someone objecting, “In the church we are supposed to be a body, interdependent and needing each other. We even take solemn vows of membership that require us to help one another!” Yes, all that is true; but it still does not give anyone the right to dictate how someone else lives his life unless there is sin. Meddlers jump in and want to tell other people how to raise their children, treat their wives, use their finances, determine their calling, etc. You think I am being extreme? I know specific ministries full of dedicated, motivated Christians who are CONVINCED that they know what color your house should be painted, what model and make of car you should drive and even the proper, “spiritual” color of socks you should wear!

In the same way, I have met numerous people over the years who want to dictate the kinds of decisions others should make. I have received many phone calls from meddlers who are concerned about someone making a decision of which they disapprove. Furthermore, they want me to use the authority inherent in the Session, to make these others change their minds. The issues can be as diverse as which college another person’s child should attend, or what kind of major he should have, or whether or not a particular young man or woman is a suitable mate. I have had busybodies calling me asking me to tell certain other people that they need to change jobs or even careers, sell their homes, and yes, even “So and So needs to get his lawn in order!”

And each time one of these calls comes in, I have to patiently explain to the caller that really, it is none of their business. Now, this has to be done gently and tactfully, but with firmness. There may be a fine line between legitimate concern over the welfare of a brother or sister in Christ and unlawful meddling; but the line does exist and those who tread over it are showing something unsavory about their own spiritual character.

Now granted, brothers and sisters in Christ may lawfully discuss their problems, challenges, and difficulties in life requesting and receiving advice and counsel. Solomon is clear that only a fool refuses to seek wisdom and counsel from his brothers. However, in this case, the other party INVITES their brother’s input. Furthermore, while a godly man will ASK advice from others, he is simply not required to TAKE that advice, no matter how “wise” we think our counsel may be. He is NOT a “fool” simply because he does not follow our advice; perhaps we did not really understand the situation, or properly apply the relevant Biblical principles. How arrogant to think that WE have the “right” answer?

Gossips, Busybodies and Personal Responsibility

In the average church, meddlers can usually be discerned because they are gossips; they love to criticize the way that other people live their lives. They may or may not actually TALK to the people involved; but every facet of another person’s life is open to their criticism, objection and judgment. Furthermore, almost NEVER are their “observations” based on the objective standards of the Moral Law; instead, these people had the audacity to simply do things differently than the meddlers.

Take for example domestic duties; a godly man will seek to bring manage his own household well, having his children under control with a wife who respects and submits to his leadership. OK, fair enough, these are ideals that presumably all of us are committed to emulating. However, the meddler will often criticize other households, equally committed to these SAME ideals, but who simply work them out in different ways. No, the way another family does things may not be YOUR way; but is it necessarily wrong? I have learned over the years that some of the people for whom I had the greatest reserve in the way they raised their children, ended up with godly kids DESPITE my misgiving. Some couples have the kind of relationship I would find personally intolerable, but you know, it seems to work for them! In some cases, my assessment might have been right; sometimes it may have been wrong. Either way, unless there was sin involved, it was and is NONE OF MY BUSINESS. Yet meddlers are perfectly willing to see themselves as having everything together and therefore qualified to point the finger at anyone and everyone who dares do things differently. As a pastor, and visiting these people and seeing just how they DO manage their own households, I often have to bite my tongue from expressing some serious concerns of my own.

There is a difference between someone coming to a brother in Christ and asking counsel and advice; something that ought to be a common part of Christian fellowship. Hopefully, God will gift the average church with wise men and women who have learned how to apply Biblical principles in their own life and experience and they can pass that wisdom on. However, unless there is a violation of the Moral Law, advice is just that; advice. It has no authority to compel another’s actions; each of us, ultimately stands before God responsible and accountable for how we lived our lives, the decisions we made, and why we made them. Advice can be helpful and accepted, or a person may decide that it is NOT helpful, and therefore lawfully rejected.

Granted, over the years I have met a number of Christians who did not seem to know how to use their liberty in Christ wisely and productively for the Kingdom. Some in fact, had a “slave” mentality where in one sense, they really would have been better off with someone else making their decisions for them. But self-government is the most basic form of sanctification; the ONLY people who are given specific responsibility for others, outside of the family, are elders who “watch over souls” (Hebs 13:17). But even the Session of a local church has authority ONLY to preach and teach the truth and discipline according to the Moral Law. No Pastor, elder, Presbytery or General Assembly has the authority to bind people’s consciences where God has granted liberty, or require things of men that God has left to conscience.

Think about this, God thinks SO highly of family authority that godly women are not allowed even to ask questions of their own elders! That’s right, if a woman wants to understand something said in church, she must ask her OWN husband (1 Cor 14:34-36)! God protects the legitimate authority of the family even from the very people He established to “watch over our souls.” So if God Himself did not give even His Church the lawful authority to interfere with the bonds of family sovereignity, He certainly does not grant it to meddlers and busybodies.

Conclusion

Meddlers are a boil on the body of Christ causing conflicts, divisions and destroying relationships because of their criticism and gossip. Despite all their rhetoric about their concern for the welfare of others, in reality, the fundamental motivation is the same that brought death and destruction into Creation.; wanting to be as God determining good and evil for themselves, and others. Christians need to learn to stay out of the affairs of others UNLESS there is some clear violation of the Moral Law; and even then, they need to stop gossiping and actually follow Matthew 18:15 to resolve the problem.

Right now, Christian piety is at an all time low since the darkest age of medieval superstition. While the Christian church is growing exponentially across the world, our actual spirituality is being destroyed by counterfeit experiences, comfortable conformism or intellectual irrelevance. I may be wrong, but I believe that God has NOT given us more dominion in the world, because we have not yet learned how to properly exercise godly dominion in the spheres of life already entrusted to us. We either take too little or two much; either way, we are not yet ready for broader dominion in the world.

Jesus said that we would be known as His disciples if we had love for one another; and that love has always been the very foundation of true Christian victory in the world. Certainly one aspect of that love requires us to respect the limits that God Himself placed on every human institution. Meddlers and busybodies are arrogant and prideful, the very antithesis of Christian self-sacrificial love. They are in YOUR church, talking to YOUR friends, and probably even to YOUR elders. And every time they open their mouths, they spread poison, dissent, and division.

Obviously, the first step is learning to shut our own mouths and to stop talking about others. Genuine Christian concern for another means going to THEM and standing along side being willing to help, if God gives grace. There is almost NEVER any reason to share ANY negative information to ANYONE about another person’s problems, trials or difficulties. Just learning to guard our own lips could revolutionize the fellowship of the average church, literally over night.

However, that will not solve the problem of the meddlers. They can only be stopped if the rest of us REFUSE to listen to them. Meddlers are bullies, who have gotten away with their tyranny because they intimidate other people. However, one of the most basic ways of dealing with a bully is simply to stand up to them and show that YOU won’t back down. In the same way, all it would take to stop the meddlers in their tracks is a few hardy souls saying “No, that is gossip; that is certainly none of my business and it is none of yours!” If enough Christians just had the moral courage to take a stand on this one issue, I believe we would see one of the greatest revivals in history. The gossips, slanderers, meddlers and busybodies would get upset, angry, embittered but eventually fed up and leave. If they were truly believers (just unsanctified in this area) then they would repent, and be changed. If in fact they were wolves masquerading as sheep, then the constant correction of the godly would drive them out of the fold.

When the meddlers leave, the whole spirit of the church changes; problems that once seemed insurmountable are laughed off with a recognition that we all sin, we all fall short, and we all need forgiveness. Bitterness, envy and jealousy fade away as the fires burn out, with no one constantly fueling them. Factions, divisions and schisms disappear. People begin to open up and become vulnerable with one another because they no longer fear that any sign of weakness or imperfection will become ammunition for the gossips. Christians actually start confessing their sins to one another in humility; and kindness, gentleness and true Biblical love becomes the norm. And all it takes is for the righteous simply to refuse to listen to sin!