Sometimes, for some people, the problem is not such restoring a ruined relationship as it is developing one in the first place! When they look at their life, and the people who are (or are not) in it, they feel isolated, unimportant, unloved and lonely. All of us have gone through periods of loneliness; for example, during times of transition in life, when people move to a different area of the country, change jobs or churches, we can find it hard to “connect” with a new group of people. Teenagers are in transition from youth to adulthood and sometimes find themselves in situations where they do not quite “fit” in and can feel lonely. But for some of us, even though we may never have moved more than a few miles from home, we never seem to “fit in” with a larger group or find people who really care about us.

Loneliness can be defined as the feeling that we are destitute of sympathetic or friendly relationships. Since as we have seen, relationships are central to our well being (Gen 2:18 God Jn 17:3), it hurts to feel lonely. Now, we might be feeling lonely because of our situation; for any number of reasons, at any given point of time, we may not have people around us with whom we are close. For example college students moving away from home for the first time, or a family taking a job transfer to a new community might well feel lonely for a while until they form new friendships. In both cases, the loneliness will pass as people just go about their normal business, meet new people and form new relationships.

However, some Christians never quite seem to get past these initial problems and establish significant, meaningful relationships with others. This is not just a characteristic of “shy” folks who might prefer standing on the periphery of a group. Many “shy” people often feel a comfortable sense of belonging even though they do not believe they need to be the center of attention. No, the kind of people we are talking about here are those who sincerely feel, for whatever reason that there is no one with whom they can be intimate, vulnerable or share their hearts. They might relate well on a superficial level with other people, but they seem to have problems developing the deeper sorts of relationships that we all need and desire. Why is that?

Well, frankly speaking, when we suffer from long term loneliness, we ought to first look at ourselves, rather than blame the problem on others. Blaming others is as old as Adam in the Garden who blamed both his wife and God for his sin in eating from the forbidden tree. In the modern world’s flee from responsibility, many psychotherapists have raised the issue of shifting the blame to a sacrament. Any one and any thing is held responsible for our problems, but never our own attitudes or actions.

The Biblical reality though is that sin separates us from God and others (Psa 66:18) and therefore if people experience a chronic lack of intimate, caring relationships, the reason might be because they are sinfully relating to God or others. There are a great number of ways that Christians sin against one another which can break relationships or prevent them from ever growing, resulting in loneliness. For example, they might have guilt over unresolved some sin. If you have sinned against someone, even though you might rationalize or attempt to justify it, you will experience true moral guilt as the Holy Spirit brings conviction into your life. If you harden your heart against this conviction, then you are not at peace with God, or your brother. I think all of us have experienced this to one degree or another, when we are harboring ill feelings towards another we find it difficult to talk to them, feel tension in the presence, and hard to “look them in the eye.” Some people become so good at hiding from their sin, that they can always find reasons to harbor bitterness against others. And it is pretty hard to have an intimate relationship with someone when you their mere presence makes you seethe with anger.

On the other hand, many Christians have a selfish rather than a selfless orientation. The world must revolve around their goals, expectations and feelings. When other people do not cater to their selfishness, such people can respond with anger and frustration, making intimate relationships impossible. The harder they try to get close to people, the further they drive them away because nobody likes being used by others. I call these people “emotional vampires” because they are so selfish, they suck the life out of everyone around them.

Others have irrational fears that if they let people into their lives they will be hurt and so keep them out (more about this in a later chapter). Some Christians have a competitive rather than cooperative spirit so every relationship is turned into a contest. Many Christians do not know how to deal with angry feelings and destroy relationships by the disastrous way they handle conflicts (this alone is so common we have dedicated an entire chapter to it). Some people distrust other’s intentions. They think people are out to use or abuse them and so keep them at arm’s length. Some Christians have developed such a “thin skin” filled with defensive behavior in order to avoid being hurt that no one can ever get close to them.

And the list goes on. We can be filled with self-concern (or self-pity) that we are just not nice to be around; nobody wants to be close to someone who is also whining and complaining about how unfair life is. Some of us give in to envy, or we brood and fret over problems real or imagined. And some of us have inadequate social skills; i.e., we just do not know how to talk to others and form deeper relationships.

Now, some people reading above will judge me to be harsh or even cruel because here is this poor, lonely person, crying out for love and acceptance which has been argued to be central to our well-being, and here I am saying that it’s all their fault! How could I say such a thing! Am I not just adding to the already heavy burden these poor lonely people already have to bear?

Well, think with me for a moment; if people are lonely because of reasons beyond their control, then there is nothing they can do about it, is there? And if there is nothing they can do about their situation, they are pretty much stuck being lonely. Now forgive me, but this seems to be a hopeless situation. If I cannot do anything to change my situation, then the best I can do is learn how to live with it; and if one is convinced that one is DOOMED to a friendless, lonely existence than even suicide seems like a viable option. Isn’t this the cruelest position of all.

However, if I am responsible for the situation I am in, then I can change the beliefs, attitudes or behaviors that got me into this mess. And if I can change them, then I can have every reasonable expectation that I can form the kinds of relationships that we all need! Now THIS position gives me hope!

And since God is sovereign and is working His will in my life, then He has providentially placed me in my current situation. He wants me to learn something, to develop Christ-like character, to learn how to deal with various problems. Therefore I am not a victim of circumstances, but rather through His grace and mercy, by the power of His Holy Spirit, I can change and grow and become what He wants me to be! And as a result, I need never be lonely again!

OK you say, but how does this actually work out in real life? Lonely people need to identify and repent of the specific attitudes and actions that separate them from others and to replace their usual way of relating (which is not working) with godly practices that God Himself says will (cf. Eph 4:17ff).

Therefore the first step is to learn how to spend quality time with God (Jn 17:3). In all my years of ministry, in all the churches I have served as pastor, in all the fellowships I have known, and all the Christians I have come into contact with, never ONCE have I met a person who was close to God, who was isolated from others. If you are good terms with God, you will be on good terms with His people. Jesus said that the essence of eternal life was knowing the one true God; but you cannot know this great and glorious God if you do not spend quality time with him. A Christian may well find himself in a situation where temporarily, there are no other Christians with whom he can fellowship. He may then feel lonely for a time; after all, we do need one another (Hebs 10:24-25). But in God’s providence, maybe He has separated you from the rest of the body of Christ for a short season so He can have you all to Himself? Maybe He wants you free from all the clamor and noise of your average life so He can do a little heart surgery, teaching your some things you need to learn?

I know that in my own life, there have been occasions when God temporarily removed me from a wider group of friends or family. Years ago, before marriage, it was often due to transfers in the military, traveling to various places far from home, family and friends. And until new relationships were established, it could get pretty lonely, even in a barracks full of other young men. These days, I sometimes find myself in strange places in foreign lands where I may not speak the language or know the local customs. Sometimes I am stuck in a hotel in some strange city for several days while waiting for a speaking engagement. And these have become some of the most precious times in my own spiritual life. I love my wife and children dearly and miss them achingly whenever we have to be apart. I miss my brothers and sisters in Christ in my church. Yet these times of being alone are times when God has me all to Himself. He is able to speak to me about things that often, I am too busy to hear at other times. And He does all this by giving me time for doing good quality, personal Bible study.

Since this is a book on relationships not Bible Study (I have another whole book devoted to that subject alone) we can only cover the highlights here, but the sad fact is that most Christians have only the most superficial understanding of God’s Holy Word. The average Christian may read a passage of Scripture every day, but seldom do they actually understand what they are reading; even less often do they actually work on applying it into their lives. There is a widespread assumption that studying the Scriptures is sort of like taking the old Rorschach Inkblot Test where a person subjectively looks at a random blob of ink and makes up a picture or story. But our God is the one true God, and His Word is true; therefore we need to discover how to understand what He is really saying; not impose some subjective message on the text. This kind of study takes time and discipline as well as humility before God. Some Christians will never let the Bible teach them anything they don’t already know. And as a result, they cannot hear God speaking to them.

Every Christian needs to learn how to hear God’s voice in Scripture. Now, when I say this, I am not suggesting some super-spiritual experience wherein God gives us special revelation. No, I mean that by learning how to do the right sort of Bible study, we learn exactly from Him what needs to be changed in our lives. Through His Holy Spirit, God takes the general principles of His Holy Word, and then applies them to specific situations in our own lives. But usually, Christians think of reading their Bibles as a religious ritual they do, rather than an encounter with the living God. Thus, God is held at arm’s length; and if we keep Him distant, we can never become close to one another.

No Christian is ever really alone because Almighty God fills every point of space and time with the entirety of His being. Therefore He is always with you, just as He was with Adam, in the Garden. God will teach you, convict you, encourage you, and sustain you. If God has you segregated for a season, you do not have to feel lonely, because if you take the time, He will speak to you in a very special way as you listen to Him in His Word.

In the same way, the Christian improves His relationship with God during the “lonely” times in his personal prayer life. If we are honest, none of us prays as often as we know we really ought to do. So, when God takes us out of the hustle and bustle of life for a while, we can focus on developing our prayer life. Some of the most dynamic times of spiritual change in my own life came by taking long walks; just me and God, pouring out my heart to Him, and praying for the needs of others. I might not have anyone around who cared for me or even understood me at the time; but that provided more opportunity to spend precious time with the Great God who loved me, sent His Son for me, and promised a personal, fatherly relationship with me. And as a result, I NEVER felt lonely because I KNEW God was with me in a powerful way.

Lest anyone think my experience is unique, just ask around. Most Christians who have walked closely with God can testify to Him manifesting Himself to them in wonderful ways, even though for a time, they might have been separated from other Christians. People, who spend quality time with God, never feel alone. Instead, they get fully repented of all their sins, enthralled with the holiness and majesty of the living God and as they pray for others, they get their hearts and minds off their own petty problems and concerns.

Secondly, the next step in curing for loneliness is learning how to spend quality time with others. Mark 10:45 says that even “the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and give His life a ransom for many…” Maybe in God’s providence right now no one seems to be terribly interested in you, or sympathetic to your needs; so what? You have a divine calling from God to serve others. Therefore, do not wait to be served, but seek ways to serve. And if you DO serve, you will find that other people will gravitate towards you. This is an incredible dynamic that really can and will change your life if you put it into practice.

Have you ever walked into a room full of strangers; maybe say a new church or fellowship group? You did not know anybody, and maybe nobody came up and introduced themselves to you. You felt uncomfortable and uneasy, a bit threatened and if honest, a little annoyed that no one made you feel welcome. Well, I have; believe it or not I am not a naturally outgoing person. I find large groups of strangers very uncomfortable and like most people, unconsciously assume that as the “New Guy” it is other people’s responsibility to invite me into the group.

When Elaine and I were first married, I got out of the Air Force, moved from England to the Upper Midwest, and started college. I was six years older than most of my fellow students and married besides that. We didn’t fit in with college students and we didn’t fit in with the young married couples we met at various churches who had finished their educations and were starting their families. We visited a number of different churches to try to find a fellowship we could call home. And almost every place we went we felt like aliens stranded on another planet. Nobody would talk to us (sometimes, people would actually talk OVER us to their friends) no one would ever invite us to their homes, or to fellowship with them outside of formal church functions.

Sadly, this kept going on for several years until Mark 10:45 finally managed to sink into our skulls. I remember the exact Sunday on our way to church when things changed for us. As usual, I was grumbling; why bother to go to a church full of cold fish and a mediocre message at best when we could stay home, sleep in, and have family worship. And as usual, Elaine gently reminded me that we NEEDED to belong to SOME church SOMEWHERE because we were supposed to be serving others; and you cannot do that if you stay at home. It was then that it struck me; if we are supposed to be serving others, why are we waiting for others to serve us?

So, right then we decided to pick out some likely couple, near to our age and invite them home for lunch. As we walked into our Sunday school class (with about 100 people in it) we picked a couple out almost at random and walked up to them. We introduced ourselves to them, asked them some general questions about their lives and interests and then, invited them home for dinner. Though I think at first they were a little leery (what do these people want from us?) they had no plans and came home with us. The result was that we spent a wonderful Sabbath day with a lovely Christian couple, who surprise, surprise had felt just as lonely and as alienated as we had! You see, everyone was expecting everyone else to break the ice, but nobody had the courage to start.

Almost unwittingly we had hit upon a solid gold formula for dealing with loneliness; do not wait to be served, but serve! Over the next few months we invited couple after couple home, sometimes two and three at a time. Not everyone clicked with us as well some, but we all became quite close. And years later, some of those people STILL look back on that time as one of the most special fellowships they have ever belonged to.

Which brings us to the third principle of dealing with loneliness; developing good social skills. Social skills are basically the ability to interact with others in a way that will build relationships instead of destroying them. For example, if someone is a loud, obnoxious boor, who dominates every conversation, yells at his wife in public, insults others for their dress and appearance (or makes rude bodily noises in public-you think I am just being gross?); it is unlikely that other people will want to be around them, let alone become close to them.

Most of us develop a “skill set” as we grow up; we learn how to act in public, towards others from the example of our parents, siblings and friends. Sometimes we have had less than adequate teachers in this regard; sometimes we were less than adequate pupils. Many of us, especially those of us who became Christians as adults had to learn a whole new way of relating to others.

Granted; the phrase “social skills” does not appear in the Bible and the term itself smacks of psycho-babble, but the actual issues are addressed in Scripture. As the gospel went forth into the pagan world, Gentiles had to re-learn virtually every area of life. Their hearts had been truly regenerated by God’s Holy Spirit; they genuinely loved the Lord Jesus and wanted to serve Him, and His people. But they needed to learn HOW to relate that love on a daily basis. The world’s way of doing things, was not God’s way of doing things.

Take for example Paul’s instructions to the Philippians in chapter two. The church was torn apart with conflict. People were lining up on opposite sides of various issues. Christians in Philipi were relating to one another, just like pagans relate to one another; every man for himself. Paul then corrects their misunderstanding and shows them how to relate to one another God’s way. In effect, he was teaching them a whole new skill set of how to live in harmony and peace. Romans 14 is another example of this same need to learn new ways of relating to one another.

Or take the instructions of the James in 1:19ff. James says, “This you know my beloved brethren;. But let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God”. James was reminding Christians of something they already knew, but appeared to have problems applying. He was teaching them what we would call today “listening skills.” Christians were more concerned about winning arguments with each other, than loving one another. He tells them to slow down, shut up and be at peace.

And of course, we have the same problem today. Learning how to listen to other Christians is vital to developing any relationship. If we are lonely, it just might be that other people do not like being around us because they do not think we care enough about them to actually LISTEN to them. If we insist of always speaking, and refuse to listen, then other people will avoid us. Oh, they might be too well mannered and polite to tell us to take a long walk off a short pier, but we will never get close to them. And thus a wonderful mechanism for making people enjoy your company is simply learning how to ask them good questions, and listen carefully to their answers! In fact, if you want to develop a reputation for being a brilliant conversationalist, all you have to do is shut up and listen to other people!

Thus, if one is lonely and there are people around with whom you would LIKE to develop a relationship, work on your social skills. Become an interested listener. Over the years, despite my chronic temptation towards cynicism, I have discovered that EVERYONE has a fascinating story, if you can get it out of them. People have been to places, seen things, done things that are really interesting. They may have read books you never heard of, seen important films you neglected, or just seen life from a different perspective. And if we get our eyes off ourselves, and start looking at others as the wonderfully unique creations that God has made them, we will not only learn some marvelous things about others; but find warm friends at the same time.

One of the practical ways of developing your social skills is to create an inventory of questions you can ask people. Now this may seem a bit contrived; but the secret to successful spontaneity is careful preparation! It can be hard when you meet people for the first time to know what to talk about. But if you think a little ahead of time about some possible questions, then you always have something to talk about because EVERYONE loves to talk about themselves. You can ask them questions about their family, their background, their education, their likes and dislikes and then follow-up on their answers. This shows that you are actually interested in them as people and are willing to take the time and effort to get to know them. And I think it is a universal part of the human condition that we tend to like people who like us, and are interested in people who are interested in us.

One of my favorite questions to ask new people we meet is how they came to saving faith in Christ. Some people who grew up in a Christian home feel as if their personal testimony is uninteresting because they left a life of sin and degradation at the age of five to confess Jesus as Lord. Nonsense; everyone has a fascinating story to tell about their personal relationship with the Lord. And very quickly, by talking about this area of life, you can get to know a lot of other things about them at the same time. Elaine and I have spent glorious whole afternoons and evenings with people listening to their stories and becoming closer to them in one day; then with some people over a life-time just because we took the time to ask them a few questions.

Another social skill that often gets little attention in the Christian community is appropriate dress and appearance. Granted, the Bible is VERY clear that those who value the outside over the inside are in trouble (see 1 Tim 2:9); but we are not talking here about becoming fashion horses. Even though we live in a casual age where jeans and t-shirts are pretty acceptable almost everywhere, there is still a degree to which your public presentation will affect how others regard you. Some people who complain of loneliness show up in public with torn, dirty or otherwise inappropriate attire. Their hair may be dirty and greasy or their personal hygiene less than adequate. I well remember talking with a person who was complaining that our church was full of cold, unfriendly people who never made him feel welcome. At least that is what I think he was saying; it was hard to concentrate because his body odor was so strong I was sure he was in violation of several United Nations treaties outlawing noxious gases!

Clearly he had a problem that probably no one had ever addressed before. Admittedly, it is embarrassing to say to someone “I’d love to get close to you but you stink!” In this case, I was also a little concerned that the people in my church he was complaining about had not followed Matthew 18:15, Galatians 6:1, Ephesians 4:15, 25 and other Biblical principles of confrontation; principles that I had taught, and they had accepted. I was about to address the issue myself and suggest as tactfully as I could that the problem with “coldness” was one that probably could be settled with a bath, and a trip to the Laundromat when he said, “And just to show you what a bunch of nasty, ungodly people you have here, several of them told me that I didn’t even smell right!”

Now I do not want to rag on this brother; I think in all honesty his heart was good. He wanted to serve and love others. But his family background and personal history were such that no one had ever come along side and taught him some things that most of us take for granted. All of us would benefit by taking a little inventory of our personal habits or skills. Whether we like it or not, whether it is right or not, other people WILL judge us by our appearance. There is a reason why you seldom see ugly people in movies and television; it is easier to like and identify with attractive people, then unattractive people. Attractive people get better jobs, are more popular, and more highly regarded than the rest of us.

Now am I falling into the humanist fallacy of placing too much emphasis on appearance over substance? No, I do not think so because not for a moment am I confusing character with appearance. However, I am pointing out that no matter how godly and wonderful you may be on the inside, people may never hang around long enough to discover that if there are things about your “packaging” they find offensive. No, not many of us are what the world would consider “beautiful” or “attractive.” But we can all take what God gave us and make sure that we are clean, neat, tidy and well presented. We can stop picking our noses in public (you think I am kidding?) or chewing with our mouths open or using culturally taboo language that will offend some people. We can brush our teeth regularly and use a little mouthwash to make sure our breath doesn’t bring a dragon to tears. All of these things are characteristics of a great number of people who have come to me over the years complaining of loneliness. And doesn’t it seem silly to cry over a lack of warm, personal relationships when the thing that is keeping people at arm’s length (literally) is something we can take care of with little fuss or bother?

A third way of developing some good social skills is working up a thumbnail sketch of our own history, goals, interests, etc., so that when other people ask us about ourselves, we can give a good, interesting answer. I am sure that you have talked with people and asked them questions about things that you genuinely want to know about them. And instead of answering, they responded with a short, one or two word answer. So you try again on a different topic and get the same result. After three or four tries, no matter how sincerely you would like to get to know that person, you give up in frustration. Well, many of those people have come to see me over the years because they are lonely. It is not that people would not like to care for them, but they just make it so hard to do so, most people just move on. If however we are lonely and the above describes us, we can practice how to give good, interesting answers when people DO talk to us.

Fourthly, although where this can be classified as a “social skill” or should be considered more as an aspect of character, lonely people are often lonely, because they lack vulnerability. Vulnerability is the willingness to let people know you, the real you. Now, as we have observed previously; vulnerability can be risky. The better people know you, the more they can hurt you; vulnerability is part of the cost of having an intimate relationship. Some lonely people have consciously developed a thick exterior to protect themselves from the potential pain if an intimate relationship goes wrong. But they very behaviors that protect them; also leave them feeling as if no one really understands or cares about them.

But how does a person become “vulnerable” with others? Well, may I suggest that one way is to stop playing games and learn how to be honest with others (Eph 4:25). Commit yourself to speaking the truth to others, with gentleness, tact, sensitivity. If you disagree with someone, tell them so; nicely, but clearly. Practice saying, “I was wrong; please forgive me;” because you know you really ARE wrong, a whole lot more than you are willing to admit. Learn to trust that God is sovereign, life is not always fair and that as long as you are right with Him, you have nothing to fear from others.

Realize also that your worth to God is not dependant upon you winning every argument or getting your own way. Remember, lonely people are not always the shy, wallflowers standing on the sidelines. Sometimes, the loudest, most aggressive people are in fact the loneliness. They may seem to be the center of attention, but because they cannot admit they are ever wrong, most people find it impossible to remain friends with for very long. Sadly, over the years I have known quite a few people who fall into this category. If they manage to get married, they often drive away all of their wives old friends. If the woman is godly and submissive, she tends to support her husband, despite his nasty nature; after all she has paid a high price for her marriage. And it breaks my heart to see such people becoming bitter and lonely.

Finally, in terms of social skills, learn how to verbalize God’s actions in your life. Every one of us is a work in progress; God is creating in us the character of Christ. When you go to the Scriptures or to good, Christian books; it ought to challenge you to become more holy in your manner, more gracious in your demeanor, more loving in your relationships with others. Keep a diary of what God is teaching you and learn how to share those things with others. This also develops a vulnerable attitude that lets other people “inside” where they can get to know us. Remember what we said earlier about dress and appearance; the thing that you found so offensive? Well, here is the other side of the issue and the far more serious one; most people are so concerned about how they come across to others, that they will not share their failings, weaknesses and sins. If they ever admit to being anything less than perfect, then they think that somehow, people will think less of them.

God says, “Confess your sins to one another.” But of course, we are wiser than God, and if you looked at the average Christian church, you’d think nobody ever sinned! As a pastor I get to see a side of people that the average Christian never sees, because we are so fearful of becoming vulnerable and admitting our weaknesses and failures. Those nicely dressed people who sit together in our churches, who look so happy and prosperous often have terrible problems; problems they never want you to know about. They act in public as if life was perfect and they were living the American dream. But in reality, there is hatred, frustration, bitterness, immorality, loneliness, anger and hurt. Even I would not know about it unless their lives were so devastated that they were on the brink of total collapse. There are a lot more lonely people than you think in your church; and they are lonely because they fear becoming vulnerable.

Now granted, many Christians have every reason to fear becoming vulnerable. Many Christians have learned the hard way that if they open up and share their concerns with others, that unscrupulous people will use it against them. Thus until God does a work in our churches, we simply cannot become as open and vulnerable with everyone (there is that “pearls before swine” phrase again) because some people are nasty, selfish self-serving who will use that vulnerability against you. But then again, you do not want to become close to those kinds of people anyway!

Anyway, for those who can get past that, another way to deal with loneliness is to learn how to spend quality time with ourselves (Eph 5:15-16). If God has a person in a place where for a season, they cannot form the kinds of intimate, vulnerable relationships they would like, then they need to use their time wisely and carefully. Loneliness is compounded when we lack a sense of accomplishment. One of the things about feeling lonely, is that we feel unworthy and useless. Therefore we need to use our time profitably. For example, we could replace passive activities (such as TV or fantasy reading) with solitary skills. Hey, unlike some of my brethren who take great pride in denigrating the Idiot Box, I must be vulnerable and admit I love TV. I love the History Channel, the Discovery Channel, CNN and yes, The Sci-Fi Channel. When I have time, and there is not something pressing, blowing off a couple of hours watching a good documentary, or even a good light saber dual is a lot of fun.

But if for whatever reason, a person feels lonely, then spending large amounts of time in front of the One Eyed Devil Box just wastes time. A solitary skill is something you can learn that increases your abilities in various areas. It might be taking an adult education course on some topic you are interested in, or doing some serious, challenging reading in an area with which you are unfamiliar. Both types of exercises will stretch your mind and teach you things. Education is the most addictive substance going; my wife says she will never believe me again if I ever say (1) this is the absolute LAST computer I will ever need or (2) this is the LAST degree I will ever work on. By taking courses, or doing serious reading, you are actually making yourself a more interesting person so that when you DO come into contact with people, you have something to offer in a relationship.

Another good way to deal with loneliness while you are waiting for God to work in your life is to develop some good hobbies, learn new skills or try out new interests. When you fill your time with good, interesting challenging things, you do not become morose or depressed. You can use the time to discern and develop your gifts and talents. And yes, you have some, you just may need to do some hard work to develop them. For example, have you found a few inches around your waist that you would rather lose? Why not use your time wisely and go sweat them off at the gym? Not only will this make your feel a sense of accomplishment, but it will help you sleep at night. Besides, the better shape you are in, the more attractive you will become, especially to those of the opposite sex (if you happen to looking for a more “permanent” relationship!).

In short, if you are in one of those difficult areas of life, you can use the time wisely and profitably by setting and achieving goals that will give you a sense of accomplishment. And if you are busy with work, study, interesting hobbies and developing new skills, you will not have time to feel depressed and lonely. And the wonderful side-benefit of all the above is that as you work on all these things, you become a more interesting person. In the course of just living your life, and reaching your goals, you will meet other people who share similar interests or have compatible goals. All of sudden, you will find people you can talk to, relate to, become vulnerable with and before you know it, you are not lonely anymore.

Meanwhile, if God has put you in a situation where you are feeling lonely, never allow yourself to indulge in self pity. Having a pity party only makes things worse. It sets you up for the “depressive cycle” wherein because you feel bad, you do not do what you ought to do. And because you do not do what you ought to do, you feel even worse. So then, you are even less motivated to do what you ought to do, which makes you feel even worse than you felt before, which de-motivates you even less… ARRRGH! Break out of the cycle, get your eyes off yourself, do not dwell on your problems or blame others for your problems but start serving others. And as you serve, you will be served and you will establish warm, intimate relationships.

Conclusion

There is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. Simply because God might have you in a certain place for a while does not mean that He has forgotten you or is neglecting you. There are those sorts of people who have to have people around them constantly; I would argue that this is as serious a problem as having no one around. These kinds of people only see themselves in the eyes of others.

Loneliness need never afflict the Christian who is right with God. There are always needs to be met and God calls us to meet needs in His name. If we seek our life, we will lose it; “but if any man would come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross and follow me.” The key then to defeating loneliness is loving and serving God, by loving and serving His people. It really is just as simple as that.