Introduction

Many years ago, when God gave us our first child, I made a silent promise to stop giving advice on child-rearing until AFTER my own kids were safely grown up, educated, married and still active in the faith. Frankly, I have always been less than impressed with men who “knew it all” theoretically, but were unable to put their wonderful ideas into practice. For example, I have known “brilliant” marriage counselors who ended up divorced; and I have seen more than a few men with international reputations as Bible scholars whose personal lives were terrible messes. I certainly did not want to join these ranks but instead wait until I could demonstrate that by consistently applying basic Biblical principles we had succeeded in raising godly, self-governed kids.

But I do not always have the luxury of covering myself this way. One of a Pastor’s most important duties is to proclaim and explain the Word of God for the benefit of His people. If we pastors do not or cannot understand and apply God’s principles of managing the family, then we ought to show a little integrity and go sell used cars or something. Therefore, despite my reservations, I need to address some issues in this essay that will be far too close to home for many Christians; when “good” kids go bad.

Now, first, let us make an important distinction. I think that there is a clear difference between a “rebellious” teenager, and a teenager who sins; even if those sins are sometimes pretty serious ones. All kids sin. And of course, we try to teach our kids NOT to sin, “but all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” When your children are younger, and you have more control over their lives, their opportunities for sin are restricted. As they grow older, you give them more responsibility, hence more freedom, and hence more opportunity to sin. And sometimes they do. Not for a moment am I minimizing such sins, justifying them or excusing them when I say, “it’s not the end of the world.” When we sin, we confess, repent, make restitution and then go on because Jesus died for ALL our sins.

But rebellion by its very definition would seem to me to be of a different order of problem then just a kid who messed up (even if he messed up badly). A rebellious teenager is a child who is actively fighting against his parent’s standards, denying their lawful authority, and insisting that he will live according to his own rules. For example, it is one thing if a teenage boy comes home with alcohol on his breath because he gave into peer pressure; it is something completely different if he has become a drunkard.

You can tell the difference between the two because when confronted, a teenager who is in sin, but not rebellion, will repent. And though there may be consequences to his actions, (and sanctions), the very fact that he repents demonstrates that he is not in rebellion. It seems to me that this distinction MUST be made because all of us sin, and then (hopefully) by the grace of God repent and are restored on a daily basis. Why should there be a different standard for our children?

In this essay we want to focus on rebellious teenagers, not just a kid who got himself into trouble. It seems to me that a pharisaical, perfectionist and super-spiritual mindset amongst some Christians leads them to see ANY failure of their children as “rebellion.” Often, kids have learned that CERTAIN sins are more acceptable than others and so they learn to hide these from their parents. What Mommy and Daddy don’t know won’t send them into a tailspin. Yet, such parents need to take the “log out of their own eye.” They sin every day. Hopefully, they repent of their sins and are forgiven for them. The real problem seems to be that certain sins make Mom and Dad look BAD to others, and perhaps that explains the over-reaction. Sadly, some parents make such a big deal about such things, that their failure here, might actually lead to actual rebellion! But more about this later.

This is not going to be an easy essay for some people to read. I have some hard things to say and more than a few will accuse me of being harsh and uncharitable. I am going to do my best to expose some ungodly presuppositions about the Christian life, parental duties, and how God expects you to raise your children. As such, I fully intend to be very critical of many unchristian values that have insinuated themselves into broad evangelicalism. But honestly and sincerely, I really do want to help. As well as criticize; I also will do my best to give the Biblical alternative. Sometimes, the kindest, most loving thing you can do is telling someone something that they would rather not hear.

Sadly, most sadly, over the past 22 years of professional ministry, I have seen more than a few Christian parents struggling with rebellious teenagers. The more “spiritual” parents recognize that they OUGHT to have their children under control, and often, they sincerely want to do what is right; but still find that their teenagers are a mess inside and out. Oh, their kids may not necessarily be drug taking, fornicating, body pierced, gang-banger, wannabes; the kind one sees in the local high school population (though that happens often enough). But many Christian kids are sullen, disrespectful, and argumentative, disinterested in Church, openly disparage their parent’s values, and cannot wait to leave home. And even more sadly, some Christian parents discover that they have raised a son of hell who terrorizes the entire family with his folly and rebellion.

Clearly, something has gone seriously wrong, somewhere. Yet, if we look around, we can find many Christian families with teenagers who do not fall by the wayside. I have known a number of teenagers who were polite, self-motivated and self-governed young men and women with a sense of purpose and maturity that made one forget their age. So, the problem is not that ALL Christian teenagers go bad, just that SOME of them have troubles. Are there things that these kids (and their parents) share in common? If so, it might explain what can be done to keep YOUR kids from ripping your life and family apart. This important issue must be addressed. In books I have read, discussions I have had with other pastors, and counseling with troubled families, a common assumption is that the “good” parents did everything “right” and therefore if their child rebelled, there is no other explanation other than the providence of God.

But to be honest, I do not see it quite that way. If God says, “Do X” as you raise your kids, and we do “X” and kids rebel, then we could argue that this was the providence of God. However, what if God says, “Do X” but we really did “Y” and a child rebels? Might not our doing “Y” explain the rebellion? You see, when I have actually examined the parenting practices of people who have come in for counseling, or looked at the families of people I have known with rebellious teenagers, it becomes clear to me that the parents did not do “X.” Often, they did not know what “X” was. Sometimes, they did not understand what “X” required. And more often than not, if they knew the principles, they were not very good at applying “X” to their particular situation. Granted, many of them sincerely tried to do what THEY thought was right; but as we will see later on, this is the heart of the problem. They determined for themselves what was “right” and reaped the result in a rebellious child.

Three of our children have now entered their teens. Our kids are sinners, just like everyone else’s. And yet, they are universally regarded as polite, respectful, well-mannered, conscientious, helpful, diligent, young adults with tender hearts towards God. They have well-developed senses of humor, and are a lot of fun to be around. Furthermore, I know that my kids (as special as they are to us) are not exceptional; not really. Many other Christian parents have seen their own children grow into responsible, self-governed young men and women. In doing informal research with the families (like ours) who do NOT have problems with rebellious teens, I discovered that in fact, we understood and applied many of the same Biblical principles. And it certainly appears that families struggling with rebellious teenagers demonstrate consistent patterns that may well help explain why things went wrong.

Therefore, I want to discuss the following Biblical principles of family life that seem to directly relate to raising God honoring teenagers; teenagers who grow into mature, godly adults. I offer these principles, certainly not out of any sense of arrogance, but rather in a sincere attempt to give some insight about certain underlying dynamics that many otherwise sincere parents seem to miss. The main point I am going to make (and the one most controversial) is that the root problem is almost never the teenager, but the training and discipline practices of the parents. In other words, we are not discussing parents who are doing “X” but the ones who are doing “Y.” Specifically, I want to focus on what parents do to either incite rebellion, or the consequences when they fail to handle rebellion properly and Biblically.

Expectations

Everyone has expectations about life. You expect a certain kind of job to give you a sense of challenge, fulfillment and a living wage. You expect your friends to treat you a certain way, and feel hurt, frustrated, angry or even embittered if people do not meet these expectations. You expect your church to bring you closer to God. You expect your spouse to make you feel loved, significant and secure. And you expect certain things from your children.

The problem is not that we have expectations, but whether or not those expectations are Biblical. All of life must be lived on God’s terms, and God’s terms alone. It can be argued that most of the angst afflicting so many modern Christians stems from unbiblical expectations. Whether they realize it or not, understand it or not, or even want it or not, they have allowed the world to give them a series of basic expectations about life that are inconsistent with God’s revelation.

While the whole subject of expectations is too broad to go into detail about here, many parents have unconscious assumptions about their family life that directly contributes to raising ungodly children. The Apostle Paul says in Ephesians 6:4 “And fathers, do not provoke your children but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” When parents have unbiblical expectations of their children, and then demand that their children live up to those expectations, it cannot help but provoke them to anger.

For example, a common unbiblical (and often unconscious) expectation is that our children exist to make US feel good about ourselves. Many Christians see having children as just another part of the perfect life; raising kids is an “experience” rather than a duty to a holy God. And yes, there is a certain degree of truth to this; children are a blessing from the Lord (Psa 127:1ff). Every parent feels a sense of wonder, joy and even lawful pride in their children. When they are young, children are totally dependant upon us, and look to us for answers about everything. Little kids look up to their parents, and makes us feel great to have their love and affection. And as far as it goes, all of the above is perfectly normal, healthy and natural. God commands children to “honor” their parents. And there is nothing wrong with a parent desiring, and expecting, their children’s respect.

However, all of us are sinners and fall short of the glory of God. And some of us fall short when deep down inside, where we never let anyone else see what’s going on, we really want our children to be extensions of our own ego. We expect our children to bolster our own pride. I am sure you have seen the same things as I have; parents pushing their kids into all sorts of activities, insisting they excel JUST so the parents can bask in their accomplishments.

Whether or not such parents realize it, what they communicate to their children from a very young age is that “my love, affirmation and affection for you, is tied to your performance for me.” The performance may differ according to the tastes and interests of the parents. Some Christian fathers are notorious for insisting that their kids perform on the athletic field for no other reason than they want to relive their own youths. Others may want their children to excel in academics. Some are happy if their kids are “popular” or involved in social events. The specifics do not matter as much as the fundamental sinful orientation that our children exist to make us look good to the world.

Now, let us be honest. Every parent wants their children to do well in life. All of us take legitimate and lawful pleasure when our children excel at anything. And all of us have occasionally “bragged” about our kids in one way or another. And to be honest, I do not necessarily think any of this is necessarily a bad thing. Our children need to know that the people most important to them love them, appreciate them, and RESPECT them, as individuals, value their accomplishments, and take legitimate pride in their achievements.

The problem is that far too many Christian parents are simply using their children to make themselves look good to others. I once watched a mother “bragging” on her teenage son to some friends while he was sitting nearby reading a book. A group of mothers were “one-upping” each other with their teenage children’s exploits and this Mom wanted to join in. The sad thing was that the family was totally dysfunctional and the parent child relationship almost non-existent. Though the teen was involved with a number of events in the secular high school he attended, his parents never attended any of them, nor saw them as particularly important or noteworthy UNTIL Mom needed something to brag about. The fact that Mom understood little of what her son did at school did not stop her from pontificating about his activities to her friends. I watched the son growing red with embarrassment, frustration and bitterness. He then started correcting her, in that nasty, smug, condescending way that punk teenagers have, which naturally, got her most upset. The situation soon became awkward and difficult for everyone as the 15 year old explained in scathing detail just how badly his Mom had gotten it wrong. He then stomped out of the room.

Later on, Mom asked me what was the problem; she was just trying to build her son up in front of these other women. But the reality, which of course she never wanted to hear, was that she was in self-deception. She wasn’t bragging on her son to make him look better, she was bragging to make herself look better. And he knew it, even if she did not. And this young man spent most of his teenage years as a godless, pagan. Now as the saying goes, “one robin does not a Spring, make” and we would be remiss to over-generalize from this one incident (but trust me, that family had a LOT of problems). Furthermore, not for a moment am I excusing or justifying this little snot’s behavior. However, if we want a more detailed explanation for why this relationship had broken down, we need to look a little further than his breaking the fifth commandment. I would argue that the mother set up a situation that frustrated and exasperated the young man, which led him to sin. Her sin does not of course excuse his sin. But that is the point isn’t it? Children have a duty to respect and honor their parents, but parents also have a corresponding duty to merit that respect in the first place. Obviously, this family just did not “get” it and they suffered the consequences.

Thus, parents need to haul out their souls and do a little searching. What is it REALLY that they expect from their children? What motivates them, and what is it they want to accomplish? Are they trying to raise dominion-oriented, self-governed godly young men and women who will change the world for Christ, or is there something a little less savory operating in the background? It may well be, that if their real goal is selfishness, then their kids will know it, and act accordingly. After all, do YOU like being used by others? How do you respond if someone places unrealistic, or selfish expectations on your behavior? You may not have thought about it quite the same way as I explained above, but surely, there are churches you left, friends that you no longer hang out with, relationships that went sour, simply because you KNEW they were using you. And if you responded this way to others, might it not help explain why some kids might respond the same way to you?

What expectations SHOULD parents have for their children? A parent can expect and demand that their children fulfill the moral law of God (i.e., the Ten Commandments). God’s moral law is His will for every human being. He wants us to love Him, and love others with the Ten Commandments defining the content of “love.” Now as a part of the moral law, parents can certainly expect that their children will respect them, since God requires this in the fifth commandment. Beyond this, parents need to see the relationship with their children as one of stewardship. Children are entrusted into our care so that we may love them, teach them, discipline them and prepare them for their calling in life. They do not exist for our pleasure, pride or privilege. We exist for them. Children are God’s way of bringing His people into the world, and therefore we serve God, by serving our children. Eventually, most children will grow up, get married and work at their dominion calling while raising their own families. God has created each of us with certain gifts, talents, abilities and liabilities to serve somewhere in His kingdom. And remember; God chose the weak things and the foolish things of this world to confound the wise. Our goal as parents therefore is to understand as best we can, the kind of person that God has entrusted to our care, and then, prepare him for glorifying Him in whatever way best suits his individual gifts.

Thus, our goal is not to raise doctors, lawyers, or CEO’s. Nor is it even to raise ministers, missionaries or martyrs for the faith. Instead, God has a divine call on our children. Our job is to help that child find his calling, and prepare him for extending the Kingdom of God in the area for which he is best suited. Thus, his academic performance, athletic achievements or even social standing are simply unimportant unless they are related to his life goal. And parents have a divine right to EXPECT that their children will grow to be godly men and women. But how do we instill within our children the moral law of God?

Consistent Family Worship

If the problem is UNGODLY teenagers, it is not really an answer is it, to say we ought to expect them to become godly. The real issue is how do we get our children to internalize God’s values and priorities. Let me suggest that in studying families with rebellious teenagers, seldom (if ever) have I found that the father was doing his job leading the family in consistent worship. Daily, family worship is NOT just a nice idea, or a neat little religious ritual that the super-spiritual do to impress their friends at church. I have argued many times, in many places that family worship is the absolute, vital foundation for raising godly children (see our essays on this subject at www.highlands-reformed.com). If a family does not have a father who teaches the family on a consistent basis the commandments, principles, statutes of our God and King, then the children are going to learn somebody else’s. And when those values differ from yours, rebellion is the result.

Think with me for a moment; most parents have delegated child rearing to the schools, the church or the community. The average parent is so involved with his own interests, goals, work and hobbies that he actually spends very little time with his children. The average kid watches about four hours of TV per day. They are educated far too often in public schools where they are propagandized with a subtle, but powerful message that at best, Christianity is just a personal choice. They are allowed to mimic their pagan peers in dress, values and priorities. And then we expect that an hour-long service on Sunday morning, plus maybe 45 minutes of a Bible story will properly ground them for life! Is it any wonder that broad evangelicals lose approximately 70% or more of their children to worldliness by the age of 25?

Family worship however roots the entire family in the word of God on a daily basis. It is a time where the father demonstrates his understanding and application of God’s principles to the problems, frustrations and trials of THEIR actual situation. It requires the father to be the head of his house, and therefore gives the children a model of godliness and fatherly love. It teaches the children how to study the Scriptures for themselves and how to find answers to the problems they will face. It helps inoculate them from humanism in all its guises. And most importantly, it makes Jesus Christ the center of every single day.

Family worship consists of glorifying God in reverent praise, prayer, the reading of Scripture and its application to life. Furthermore, I would argue that catechizing our children in one of the great Reformed catechisms, builds within them the doctrinal foundation for later life. But what do MOST Christians do? Sadly, nothing. The “super-spiritual” MAY read from a little devotional book that has some pietistic, platitudes; but I think, this often seriously does more harm than good. What is the message you are sending your children when your family worship consists of reading from two verses of Scripture, and then some warm, mushy thoughts that have no direct application? You have just demonstrated that Christianity is a ritual that you perform; get safely out of the way, so you can then live your life, as you will!

If you want to keep your kids from rebelling, then you need to show them on a daily basis that God is central to every area of life (1 Ptr 2:2, 2 Tim 3:16-17, Col 3:16, Josh 1:8, etc.). Make them memorize the catechism (I cannot recommend the Westminster Shorter Catechism highly enough) so that from the youngest age, they have good doctrine at the center of their thinking. Family worship is the mechanism God Himself gave us to teach our children His way of looking at things (Deut 6:6ff). Every day, as you open the Scriptures, your children are seeing that your religion is more than a hobby, but the center of your life. And as a result, over time, they will naturally and organically internalize this into their own lives as well.

Discipline when Young

Despite the effects of original sin, most covenant children WANT to respect and honor their parents. In fact, let me go one step further, if you find that a child is disrespectful or rebellious, as mentioned earlier, odds are that the parents caused the problem. Again, at the risk of over-generalization, my experience has been that troubles with teens started back when the kids were toddlers. Parents either had inconsistent standards of discipline or enforced their standards according to their feelings. When the parents felt good, the kids got away with murder. When the parents were stressed out or under pressure, they yelled and screamed. Often, many kids discovered that if they whined, cried, threw themselves on the floor and had a “hissy-fit” that Mom and Dad would give into them. So, while they were young, (and depending upon the temperament and personality) the kids were not rebellious because the parents abdicated their authority and made them the real rulers of the house. When they were children, their demands were not too burdensome. However, now come the teenage years. Little Billy now wants to get his ears pierced, and little Sally now dresses like a prostitute. There are “fun” things out there they want to explore and discover, and suddenly, the parents realize that their kids are on the slippery slope to apostasy.

But what did they expect? Ever since their little darlings were babes, the parents taught them that they could have whatever they wanted, and that there were no negative sanctions against rebellious behavior. They coddled them, refused to spank their little heinys when it would have done some good, and let their kids get away with murder. Now that the kids have grown up, the parents turn to the pastor, the church, psychologists and counselors and expect the “experts” to fix the problem before little Billy commits actual murder!

Sadly, I am not sure if there IS a fix. We live in a humanistic age. And while spanking a 16 year old is still within your God given rights as a parent, the State will not look kindly on it. Your other options are limited because you no longer have as much control over their environment (see our discussion of “sanctions” later on). You had your chance to exercise discipline when they were young. It is probably too late now. The best you can do is to remove the hellion from your family. This in fact is what the Old Testament case laws require; rebellious sons are to be “cut off” from the family. They must be considered “dead.” And the pain you feel at that loss, is caused because you did not discipline them consistently, and appropriately, when they were young.

However, what is the most common response? Parents with rebellious teenagers continue to subsidize their kid’s sin. They bail them out of trouble. They find excuses. They ask for “prayer.” What they will not do is what God requires; cut the children off. And honestly, I understand the emotion behind this. Every parent feels considerable affection for their children and hates the thought of them suffering. But affection is not the same thing as love. In Scripture, love is a commitment to do what is RIGHT for another, regardless of personal cost. Affection is a warm, mushy feeling that in and of itself is not a bad thing since it is a lot easier to do what is right for someone, if you LIKE them. But the problem here is that people use their feelings of affection as an excuse or justification for NOT doing what is right. It is hard to go against one’s feelings. The Puritans understood this and because they feared that their natural affection for their children would undermine their discipline, they often swapped children with other parents during teenage years (see my Essay, “The Puritan Family” available at www.highlands-reformed.com)!

So, if you do not want to have to cut your children off as teens, discipline and correct them consistently when they are toddlers. Set definite standards for the family and enforce them. Require children to behave. Correct them when necessary, and spank them for rebellion. Win the battle at 2, and you will not lose them at 12.

Primary Identification with the Family, Rather than Peers

When children rebel, they are unlawfully resisting the standards of the family and the authority of the parents. And because we are all sinners, who fall short of the glory of God, there is within all of us the tendency to resist lawful authority. Men sometimes rebel against the lawful authority of the church. Wives sometimes rebel against the lawful authority of their husbands. And all children, at some point will rebel against the lawful authority of the parents.

But I am not satisfied that simply ascribing a theological rationale here is enough. Sure, all people rebel against all authority because that is the consequence of our father Adam’s sin. But frequently, there are reasons WHY people rebel. We have already noted Ephesians 6:3 where Paul commands parents not to “exasperate” their children, in effect, inciting rebellion. Are there other implications here?

I would argue, “yes” there are. When you allow your children to develop values that either compete or contradict YOUR values, you are setting them up for rebellion. A teenager is no longer a child, but not quite yet ready for adult responsibilities. Not only do they have all the problems associated with a changing hormonal balance, but also the integration of everything they have ever learned about life. Things they have assumed since childhood must now be tested and tried. They are in the process of becoming a person, in their own right.

Sadly, most Christians have allowed their children’s core values to be formed by some other entity than the family. In most modern homes, children have been carefully segregated from the family at a young age and placed in environments where their peers are the most important people in their lives. Think about this; most Christian kids go to some sort of school (sadly, far too often, public ones) where they spend six hours a day with other children their own age. After school, they again play with kids their own age. We segregate them at church so again; they spend most of their time with their peers. We encourage them to develop friendships with no adult supervision. Furthermore, the older they get, the more likely they are to develop interests, hobbies and relationships with others outside of the family.

Meanwhile, on the home front, Dad is busy working during the day. Often, Mom is too. Kids almost NEVER spend time with their siblings because they too are carefully segregated. The “Soccer Mom” syndrome is now an American cliché; the average Christian Mom spends most of her time ferrying her children from one activity to another.

Now, just WHEN does this family actually operate as a family? When do they spend time together? When do the parents really have time or opportunity to develop their children’s core values? The answer of course is, they don’t. By the time the average Christian kid hits his teenage years, the values of his friends are far more important that those of his family, because he spends MOST of his time with them! They are the ones he relates to, derives significance and meaning from and whose values he adopts. Parents can pontificate all they want to about the importance of the family, but the sad fact is MOST Christians do not spend ANY quality time with their kids on a regular basis.

Sure, you went camping with them or took a yearly vacation with them. But honestly, did you not find that your older children were bored, disinterested, squabbling with their younger siblings and could not wait to go home? Does your teen spend hours on the phone talking with friends? Where do you think your kids got the idea in the first place for what determines appropriate dress or manners?

Let me suggest that one possible reason for why your kids are in rebellion is that you taught them from a young age that their peers were more important than their parents. And now that they are struggling with becoming an adult, they are simply being consistent with the basic presuppositions YOU gave them years ago. They are rebelling now, because their values differ from yours, and you do not like it. But honestly, what did you expect? You let their teachers influence them, their friends, popular culture, etc., and now you are upset because they are rejecting your values? Get real!

There is an alternative. And that is to inculcate your children with your values from an early age by spending time with them. This may well mean home-schooling them. It certainly means daily family worship with them. And almost assuredly, it will mean that you will have to sacrifice your personal interests to spend large amounts of time with your children. I believe that even secular American culture realizes that the myth of “quality time” was just that, a myth. If you want your kids to develop your values, then you MUST spend time with them, every day. You have to talk with them (not at them). You have to work together, worship together, and play together. When you made the decision to raise a family, you also made a decision that your own hobbies, desires and interests would be put on hold until the job was done. If you want to raise godly children, you will have to sacrifice. Even secular Moms now realize that they cannot “have it all” by having a career and a family, one must always give way to another. Dads cannot afford to invest all his time and energy on his job because his kids need him.

We do not have time, or space to develop this concept further, but we need to realize that there have been significant sociological changes in Western culture that have direct implications for the family (see my essay, “The Industrial Revolution and the Christian Family” available on our web-site – www.highlands-reformed.com). In the old days, a father worked at home, and his sons worked beside him. Mothers worked in the home, and spent most of the day with her daughters. In the evening, before television, parents and children talked, fellowshipped and played games together. Since life, work and leisure, were all centered on the home, it made the family the center of most human activity. But since the Industrial Revolution, most men now have to work out of the home. Most families move away from one another to find work and so larger family ties are broken and become insignificant. Industrial education means kids are separated from their parents at a young age. And as a result, Christians lose their ties to their past, and to their families.

There is no going back in time. Therefore, we must develop new strategies for keeping the family together. It will be hard; it will put us at odds sometimes with the expectations and practices of even our Christian peers. But if you want to save your children from a lifetime of misery, it must be done. The only question is, “how?”

Impart Your Values

Allow me to suggest the key to imparting your values is based on Deuteronomy 6:6ff. God says, “And these words which I am commanding you today shall be on your heart and you shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up…” This world is not autonomous. God created all things for His own glory, and every aspect of life is to be lived according to His precepts, statutes and commandments. Therefore, the Bible itself requires parents to relate every area of life, every day, to the Word of God.

This is a little different than the formal kind of family worship we discussed earlier. As important as family worship is, the danger is that we can reduce it to just another religious ritual to get out of the way so we can get on with living our own life, according to our own standards. Deuteronomy 6:6ff however requires something else; relating the Law to everything we do, everyday. A friend of mine calls this, “teaching in the milieu” and means that as you spend time with your kids in normal, day-to-day activities, you teach them to see how God’s principles apply to every situation. Thus, your kids learn, from you, how to wisely use their time, money and energy, resolve problems, and establish priorities, to work hard and effectively, all for the glory of God.

The problem of course is that far too many Christians do not know, nor do they apply God’s principles. Their basic operating principle is that “religious” things are important for one’s personal, spiritual life, but have no direct relationship to the “real” world. Oh, they may have certain moral values that relate (such as not lying, or saying bad words, or not smoking or something of the sort) but in most areas, Christians will think and act, just like the culture around them. Kids will quickly notice the fact that the parents too often do not have a consistent worldview. When they ask, “Why Daddy do you say this, but do that” Dad has no real answer. He has no answer, because his own basic presupposition is essentially autonomy. He will determine good and evil for himself thank you. He is under “grace” not “law.” After all, this is what he himself has been taught by the Church for years (not surprising since he sought out just this kind of church in the first place.). Therefore, this father has no objective basis for his moral values apart from his own will.

Now guess what Junior has just learned from his father? “If Dad can pick and choose HIS values, why can’t I?” So what if Junior’s values are different than Dad’s. Who’s to say which one is right, or wrong? If Dad does not have a comprehensive, consistent and coherent Biblical worldview, then neither will Junior. And Junior may decide that body piercing, or drunkenness, or fornication are all perfectly acceptable because his basic operating assumption is that “we’re under law not grace and that means I can do what I want!”

Now, Mom and Dad will fret and worry and cry themselves to sleep at night over Junior’s rebellion, but he is just acting consistently on the premises he learned from them; there are no ultimate standards other than the ones you personally choose. Now the parents may well have chosen very godly, Biblical standards for themselves but the issue of course is that THEY chose the values.

The Bible on the other hand soundly condemns this principle right from the start. Adam and Eve were cast out of the garden, just because, they insisted on determining good and evil for themselves (Gen 3:1ff). The basic human problem throughout history has been men, wanting to become God, and make up their own rules. Think with me for a moment; when you became a Christian, you made a public confession that “Jesus is Lord.” But what did you mean by that? Your ancestors in the faith risked everything by insisting that Jesus was Lord. They were marched into the arenas, burned at the stake, imprisoned, exiled and suffered all sorts of horrors and indignities because they would not say, “Caesar is Lord.”

To confess “Jesus as Lord” is NOT some quaint, religious ritual (and it certainly does not mean “invite Jesus into your heart…”), but a solemn proclamation that Jesus is your KING. And as your King, He gives you His Law. John 14:21 puts it succinctly, “He who has My commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me…” In other words, Jesus is not terribly impressed by the amount of “feeling” you express about him, but about the kind of obedience you show Him. Most modern Christians do not understand this basic, theological proposition; if you love Jesus, you have to obey Him. Think with me for a moment; say a man has a wondrously strong feeling for his wife. He praises her, shows her affection, buys her flowers and always remembers her birthday. But he also commits adultery on her. Does this man love his wife? Regardless of what our modern culture would say, the Bible is clear that no, he does not. Love today, has been defined as a feeling, rather than as a commitment. But the Bible says that if you love Jesus, as He demands to be loved, you will obey Him. And if you do not obey Him, then you do not love him regardless of how much emotion you may show in a worship service.

We have allowed a theology of autonomy to subtly enter the church and that theology of self-will characterizes the vast majority of American evangelicals. They may often do the right thing, but they do so for the wrong reason. They want to retain for themselves the right to determine good and evil, and whether they realize it or not, this same value is then passed on to their children. When their children get out there into the world, and see all the lovely, temptations available, they simply have no defense. It is too bad, and so sad that THEIR values are different from Mom and Dad’s, but after all, we have to make our own decisions in life. And since they have never been given any method of decision making other than their own feelings, therefore, they go where the feeling is strongest. And hence, we have rebellion.

The solution of course is for every Christian to think through the implications of their faith and learn how to orient every aspect of their lives according to God’s Word. The Bible has a lot to say about how you are supposed to spend your time (Eph 5:16), how you work (Col 3:23), what you do with your money (Pvbs 3:9-10), etc. It speaks volumes to how you should handle anger (Eph 4:26), fear (Phil 4:6-7), loneliness (Matt 20:26-28) and depression (Gen 4:7). The Bible has clear principles that determine how you relate to your spouse (Eph 5:22ff), your friends (Hebs 10:24-25) and your family (Eph 6:1ff). Scripture lays out definite methods for handling sin (1 Jn 1:8-9), confrontations (Matt 18:15ff) and conflicts (2 Tim 2:23ff). But in the 22 years, I have been a pastor the degree of ignorance amongst Christians about what God has to say about these various issues is abysmal! They do not know, and to be honest, most of them do not care. What is REALLY important for most people is doing what they want to do; and God help the pastor or church who stands in their way.

Some of these people are SO perverted, that the apostasy of their children is not even a concern! The allow their children to dress, talk, and act like pagans with just a shrug of the shoulder and a “well, what can I do?” But let us back track for a moment. Obviously, if you are still reading this far, you ARE concerned about your kids. Therefore, you want them to grow into godly, self-governed men and women who will advance the faith and live lives to the glory of God. Therefore, you WANT to obey God, and you want to develop a consistent, coherent and Biblical worldview. How do you start?

First, have secret worship every day (see our essays and articles on this at www.highlands-reformed.com). Second, have family worship every day. Third, read GOOD Christian books. Fourth, learn how to see every sermon as God’s personal message for you and strive for personal application. Fifth, learn how to relate what you discover to your daily life. If you have been following our recommendations earlier, you already know that you must spend time with your children. Therefore, as you work with them, as you play with them, you can also relate the word of God to every single incident that comes up.

I am not a home-improvement type of guy and I hate working with my hands. As I have said many times, my one financial goal in life is to be affluent enough to hire other people to work around my house! But since I made the mistake of not being born into the Rockefeller family, I have to do chores. There is always grass to be cut, trim to be painted, landscaping to be done, etc. And my kids work with me on ALL these projects. I am amazed at how many men do not WANT their kids to help them because “I want it done right.” Hence, if the kids are allowed to help, it is only to do the nasty, grunt work of lifting and carrying, scraping and sanding, etc. Many men love doing chores; it gives them a good feeling to see something done properly and they rightly see their work as an expression of themselves. But some men are SO concerned about how their property will reflect on them, that they do not use this invaluable time to teach their kids.

You see, at our house, as we work, we talk. We talk about movies we watched together and the kids have learned how to spot the ungodly presuppositions and ridicule them. We talk about books we have read. We talk about problems we have. We talk about history, and art and culture and science. In other words, as we work together, or as we play together, we talk together about how God relates to every area of life. And as we talk, we make stupid jokes, and silly comments. We have fun together and so the kids learn how to work, and work hard, but also how to enjoy doing so at the same time. And during all that talk, we relate God’s Word to every area of life.

No, I do NOT preach sermons, pontificating and being bombastic. Instead, we laugh and giggle and have a good time, and usually the kids themselves will ask me good, discerning questions about how the Bible relates to some aspect of life. Now, as I mentioned earlier, I really do not enjoy working with my hands, and I am not very good at it. Often, I know how a project should come out, but for the life of me, cannot make it do, what I know needs to be done. And I get frustrated, irritable, short-tempered and have been known on occasion to literally call down the wrath of God on nails that bent, boards that warped, rocks that rolled off the pile onto my foot, etc. Which then, brings me to the next point…

Learn to Repent to Your Kids

Though I cannot prove this point either by direct reference to Scripture, or to some well-regarded research study, it certainly seems true from experience that every kid wants consistency. If you say one thing, and then do another, even the dullest child will spot your inconsistency and point it out. And the reality is, that we all fall short of the glory of God. No matter how hard you try, or dedicated you may be to the glory of God, you sin every day. In fact, even the best you have to offer is tainted by sin in some way or the other.

And since all kids have a natural bent towards rebellion (inherited from our father Adam), they will use your inconsistency as an excuse, justification or rationalization to reject your values, and determine their own. Amazingly, the most common technique I have observed a parent using to deal with this is by INSISTING that they were right, and that the kid was wrong! Now, refusing to admit when you are wrong is a sure fire recipe for “exasperating” a child, encouraging them to disregard your values. Your kids are going to rightly see you as a hypocrite and you have handed them, on a silver platter, a moral justification for rebellion.

The Biblical response of course is diametrically opposite; we must learn how to admit we are sinners, repent of our sins, seeking forgiveness and making restitution as necessary (cf. Jas 5:16). Sadly, most Christians cannot do this with other Christians, let alone their own children. Hence, they risk their children because they are afraid that their own inflated ego might be punctured. Again and again, I have seen parents sin against their children (or against others), be confronted with their sin, but then refuse to acknowledge that they did anything wrong. And Junior watches this dynamic, realizes that his folks are hypocrites and therefore rejects their religion, even as he rejects their hypocrisy.

Therefore, parents have to learn how to confess their sins to their children, just as they need to learn how to repent and confess their sins to one another. Doing so does not erode your authority nor does it lessen their respect for you. Instead, confession and repentance heals the wounds caused by sin. It softens hearts, and allows genuine reconciliation to take place. It binds families together and makes the relationship stronger. It roots out bitterness and brings peace to an embattled family. For parents to insist on being “right” especially when they have been wrong is to rend the family apart and guarantee that the kids will look elsewhere for significance and security.

Failure to Resolve Conflicts Biblically and Equitably

Directly related to the above, is learning how to resolve conflicts properly and Biblically. Conflicts WILL happen; nobody’s kids are perfect, and let’s be honest, we as parents certainly aren’t! The only real issue is whether the problems are resolved. We have other booklets in this series that specifically deal with conflict resolution and therefore will not go over that same ground here again (see our essay, “Proverbs on Conflicts”). Here, we just want to highlight the reasons why so many kids rebel. And clearly, part of the reason is that problems in the past have not been dealt with Biblically. Often, a “root of bitterness” has sprung up that colors every future confrontation. Therefore, every interaction is tainted by previous hurts. The issue that is causing a blow up today, may well be a smokescreen hiding an offense that happened a long time ago.

The basic Biblical principle here is found in Ephesians 4:26, “Do not let the son go down on your anger.” Every day, every problem needs to be resolved. Never go to bed, or allow your kids to go to bed, unless sins have been confessed, repented of and forgiven. Learn how to read the countenances of your kids; if they are depressed, glum, sullen or stubborn, it shows that the problem has not been resolved. On occasion, after a confrontation or conflict with my older kids, I have noticed such facial expressions. I then go to them and ask them if there is still a problem. Invariably, they will say “No.” But their body language clearly says there is. Often, a hug right then and there, with an expression of love and affection for them, is enough to break down the barrier. Sometimes I need to ask if they think they have been treated unfairly or unjustly, and if so, explain to me how and if I made a mistake in judgment, now is the time to make it right.

And sometimes, teenagers are just moody because their hormones are messing them up and just need a good night’s sleep. At that point, I tell them that all sins have been addressed and forgiven, but if they still feel the same way tomorrow, then we need to talk again. Invariably, the next day sees a different person. The problems WERE resolved; they just needed a good night’s sleep to get their feelings in line with reality.

But it does seem to me to be a common problem that people hate and fear conflicts so much, they will do anything to gloss over them rather than do the hard work of resolving them. And therefore, the problems only grow bigger, and the relationship becomes terribly oppressive to the teens. Some rebel, others contemplate running away, some even think suicide is a better option than living in the present mess.

And in all these circumstances, I hold the parents responsible. They ought to know better, and do better, but far too often are clueless how to resolve problems with their kids because they have never done so in their marriage, their work or their church. And so an angry, embittered, frustrated Junior bides his time until he can escape his parents’ authority because he literally cannot stand to be around them. People, we do NOT have to live this way, and we ought not to expect our children to have to do so either.

Bad Company and Bad Morals

The Scriptures are clear, “do not be deceived, bad company corrupts good morals” (1 Cor 15:33). Now I know that YOUR teenager is a natural leader, and would NEVER give into peer pressure like all the other kids (after all, surveys show that all Christian parents think THEIR kids are above average!). But the truth is, whether we like it or not, the company we keep has a great deal of influence on the values and behaviors we find acceptable. This is both the clear teaching of Scripture, and the result of research in the social sciences (the technical term for this is called “conformity behavior” or the tendency for people to conform their beliefs and behaviors to perceived group norms). Studies show that up to 75% of our values are influenced by the values of those around us. On the positive side, this means that if your children spend most of their time with you, then they will tend to adopt your values. But if they spend most of their time with other people, they will tend to adopt THEIR values.

Therefore, allowing your children to develop significant relationships with pagans is asking for trouble. If your kids go to a public school, or join a secular soccer league, or God forbid, DATE a pagan (and if they are, SHAME ON YOU!), then you ought to expect they will think, talk and act just like their pagan peers. No matter that your little darling is a perfect angel at church or in youth group; when they are around their pagan friends, they will act just like pagans. Several years ago, I was watching some program that featured Christian teenagers at a summer camp talking about their faith. All the kids talked about how great the camp was, and what a wonderful time they were having for Jesus. Yet, universally, they admitted that when they were home, they would probably act differently around their friends in public school, than they did at camp. The need to conform was so strong, that most of their friends at school did not even know that they were Christians!

Therefore, since the problem is ubiquitous, the solution is not to let them develop relationships with people whose values conflict with yours. I have heard many parents justify their teenagers pagan relationships by saying, “well Jonnie is a great witness to them.” No, Jonnie is not. Because no matter how good a kid Jonnie is when he is around his parents, or his Christian friends, Jonnie is probably acting like a godless little heathen when he is around his pagan ones. You don’t believe me do you? Sigh, just wait a bit, you’ll come to see me eventually when Jonnie gets his girlfriend pregnant, or comes home drunk or stoned or is arrested. Some people just never learn.

God asks the rhetorical question, “What fellowship has light with darkness” (2 Cor 6:14). If Jonnie finds himself comfortable around pagans, it can ONLY be that he has found something in common with them; and trust me, that common ground is NOT Jesus. His heathen friends may be simply providing a social environment where he can sin without feeling guilty. Sadly, they may be giving him things he is not finding at home such as respect, appreciation, or simply a feeling that he belongs. And if that is true, it is an arrow pointed right at the heart of your parenting practices.

Some people will object that they cannot control who their children spend time with. My response is that this is the problem, isn’t it? You have NEVER controlled your children, and now you are reaping what you sowed (Gal 6:7). The fact is however; you DO control your teenager’s life. It is YOUR decision whether or not he is involved in sports, or works outside the home, or with whom he spends his time. You just do not want to exercise that control, because you know there is going to be a blow up and you have never been able to handle conflicts (see above).

But if you do not want your teenager to talk like a pagan, dress like a pagan or act like a pagan, and then battle with you because the values he learned from his peers are in conflict yours, then literally (with no blasphemy intended), for God’s sake, stop letting him associate with them. First, start spending time with him yourself. Repent of past mistakes, clear the ground and get the relationship back on a solid footing. Certainly, do not give him money, or a car, or let him run around without supervision. Make him work at home and at school, and then develop some common interests with him that includes the whole family.

In other words, regain the centrality of the family as his primary identity group. Working with your kids, playing with your kids, doing daily worship with your kids and resolving problems daily with your kids all change the focus of both of your lives. And you can win them back, just as soon as they begin to realize that their family is more important than their peers. But it will require a radical transformation of your family life; a transformation that most people just do not want to take the trouble to make.

Freedom within Consistently Enforced Standards

Part of the problem of course is that teenagers, both intellectually and biologically are in the process of becoming adults. They are psychologically trying to figure out what it means to be an adult. They are not children any more, but they are not yet ready to assume the full responsibilities of being a grown-up either. When they were children, you had to do everything for them. Now, more and more, they can do things for themselves, but how much is too much? Hence, they are testing the boundaries.

Teenagers need, even more than children, clearly defined standards and limits. Since life is already throwing so much garbage at them, it becomes crucial for parents to let them know clearly and unambiguously what is expected of them. Now, as we mentioned in the section on “expectations” parents need to ensure that the standards are Biblical.

For example, it appears from experience, that many parents have conflicts with their teenagers over their dress and appearance. Now, not for a moment am I in any way excusing, justifying or defending kids wanting to dress like gang-bangers or sluts (yes, I am intentionally using an offensive word, because too many parents gloss over the immodesty of their children’s dress). In this regard, there are sufficient moral grounds for a parent to put his foot down. But there are other times, when a teenager is attempting to express his own growing individuality through his dress. Think about it, what you wear says something about who and what you are. Dress standards have changed over the past thirty years (can you imagine middle-aged men routinely wearing jeans and t-shirts back in the 1960’s?). Most people take a far more relaxed attitude about clothing than ever before in American culture. Whether this is a good thing, or a bad thing, is a different issue for a different essay, but even within the new social “standards” there is still some room for individual expression.

Furthermore, especially among mothers, they remember when they used to dress their kids and make them look “nice.” And again, as we mentioned in our section on “expectations” often the real, underlying motivation was the approval of others. Parents, just like kids are susceptible to peer pressure, and how a child dresses, says something about the family. Some parents do not like the message being sent, because they think it reflects poorly on them. Now, Jonnie comes down stairs and is wearing his favorite t-shirt that Mom does not like. Or Sally is wearing an outfit that is perfectly modest, but not to Mom’s tastes. Mom decides to make this an issue (because she does not like what others may think about this outfit) and a conflict occurs. Teenagers do not like being treated like children, and Mom wants them to respect her genuine authority.

But may I suggest that the problem is Mom chose the wrong time and place to push her authority? In fact, this well may be an example of the sort of thing the Apostle Paul was talking about in Ephesians 6:3. Such a conflict is unnecessary and destructive, unless there is some greater moral issue involved. At this point, parents either make one of two different mistakes. They either insist on micro-managing their children, which then frustrates and embitters them, or they just give up and let the kids do as they like.

There is a third way- teaching your kids general principles that can be applied to specific situations. Now I do believe that God has given you the authority to make specific decisions about such things as how your children dress. But my question is “Is it wise to create a situation where your kids are going to be incited to unnecessary rebellion?” Dress of course should be modest, clean, neat and appropriate to the situation. But do you really want to make an issue out of individual choices? Will you win more than you can potentially lose in this situation?

In our house, we have two basic standards of dress. Around home, the kids can dress pretty much as they please, as long as the clothing is clean, pressed and modest. When we go out in public, the standard is a little higher; i.e., trousers with patches stay home, faded t-shirts stay in the closet. Yet, all of my boys, somewhere, must have a geek gene hidden in them (I blame my English wife’s middle class background!). They have insisted, from an early age that they wanted to button their shirts all the way to the top and to hike their trousers around their chest. Literally, it drove me crazy to see MY boys looking like Urkel clones.

So, without belittling them, ridiculing them or insisting they dress according to my standards, I did two things. First, I said that most people do not button polo shirts all the way up and second, it was their decision. Because I understand the power of conformity behavior, eventually they would realize that only nerds shared their “look.” And eventually, on their own, they started loosening that top button (and allowing their trousers to hang naturally from their hips). But the point was, why make a big deal about something so insignificant? Furthermore, the older boys put subtle peer pressure of their own on their younger brothers.

Elaine on the other hand, still remembers fondly when she could dress the girls in identical outfits. She liked the way the girls looked. When our oldest girl reached her teenage years, she would often come downstairs for church in an ensemble that did not quite meet my wife’s expectation. Now first, the outfit was ALWAYS appropriate for church, modest, clean and more formal than everyday wear. However, Elaine did not always think that certain shoes went with certain skirts, or that certain cardigans didn’t really suit that blouse, etc. Mom then would start issuing orders like a barracks room sergeant to Elizabeth to change. Elizabeth would never rebel, but you could see she was upset because Mom disapproved of her wardrobe choices. Furthermore, Elizabeth always had good reasons for why she was wearing what she was wearing; reasons that Mom did not always seem to appreciate or understand.

Now, give Mom a break here; it is Sunday morning and we have six kids to get ready for church. On top of that, we always have a household full of people after church for lunch and fellowship. Mom has to get herself ready, the kids dressed, a meal put on and some final touches of housekeeping. She just does not have time for a long, involved discussion. She just takes one look at Elizabeth, does not like what she sees and tells her to change.

Now look at it from both sides. To Elizabeth, Mom appears to be arbitrary, controlling and insensitive to her problems. On the other hand, though Liz might not say a word, Mom can tell by facial expressions that her daughter is NOT pleased and frankly, does not have time to deal with a sullen teenager. Thus, you have a potential time bomb that could lead to a severe breakdown in their relationship. If this conflict on standards is not dealt with properly and Biblically, then Liz is going to feel controlled and oppressed, and eventually she WILL rebel.

So the issue is, how to deal with this problem, BEFORE it becomes a major issue. Now, granted, this kind of thing, in the great scheme of life and the problems that we all have to face, is really pretty inane and meaningless. But the same factors are relevant here as in other, more important areas because the issues go to the nature of the parent and child relationship.

The solution is really simple, once you are removed from the stresses of getting the whole family packed into the van for church; just let it go. Elaine and I have had several, good conversations about what kind of dress standards we need to establish. We then communicate those standards to the kids. And therefore, within the limits, the kids have freedom to dress as they please.

Therefore, rather than seeing this situation as a conflict of wills where Elaine MUST control her daughter (and Liz either feels as if she is being micro-managed, or rebels), Elaine has learned to see such incidents as opportunities to discuss style, fashion and appropriate dress. She has learned to slow down, and see that how she relates to Elizabeth, is far more important than getting ready for a long Sunday full of strangers in her home. The strangers will leave by 5:00 (at least we HOPE they leave by then!); Elizabeth will be our daughter forever. Elaine also remembers the things that drove her batty about her own mother and realizes that she does not want to make the same mistakes.

So, if Elaine does not like a particular ensemble that Liz has put together, she will take a moment, stop what she is doing and make a SUGGESTION. Liz, because Mom is not ordering her to change, then has the opportunity to say why she is wearing, what she is wearing. Sometimes, Mom can make some recommendations; “Honey, I think THIS might work better.” But sometimes, Mom just says, “OK.” No stress, no trial, no tribulation. The older she grows, the more attractive my daughter becomes, but also the more sensible, because she is learning from her Mom. They are no longer at odds but working together.

And you know, many potential problems can be handled just as easily. God’s law is absolute and we do not compromise it. But God has also given us freedom in many other areas to make legitimate choices (cf. Rms 14:1ff). Different families will make different decisions and as long as they do not violate God’s Law, those standards are perfectly fine (I am sure some people would be appalled by the movies we watch together as a family. I well remember being subjected to the harshest criticism because I took my son Jonathan to see “Jurassic Part” when he was six years old. Some people thought the movie was too intense for him and felt free to criticize me. Jonathan however loved that movie. My response of course was mature, and what one can expect of a pastor; does the word “raspberry” mean anything to you?).

And by giving the kids definite limits, with freedom to operate within those limits, we are only doing what God Himself does with us. God does not dictate every aspect of our lives. He gives us “liberty of conscience” in many areas that are free from the commandments and regulations of men. Therefore, we help our children to resist rebellion when we give them what our heavenly Father has given us; liberty within the confines of Law.

Sanctions Against Rebellion

No matter how “good” your kids are, and no matter how well you follow all the above principles, both you and your child will fall short occasionally. Even the “best” kids will sometimes be moody, sullen, “mouthy” or disrespectful. They will want what they want, not what you want. And they will cross over the line from legitimate disagreement over something non-essential to disrespect and perhaps even rebellion.

Throughout this essay, as noted, we have been primarily working from the assumption of Ephesians 6:3 in that if we as parents work not to exasperate our children (in various ways) we can head off most rebellion. My professional experience has been that usually, parents allowed situations to develop that they had the power and authority to prevent if they had understood and applied these basic principles. And of all the things they COULD have done, but did not do, bringing sanctions against undesirable behaviors must top the list.

Now I deliberately use the word “sanctions” rather than “spanking” for several reasons. First, unlike some of my colleagues, I think “spanking” can be overused. God certainly authorizes it, and in fact requires it. But for some, spanking appears to be the only tool in their parenting toolbox. On the other hand, some Christian parents do not use this tool at all, and reap the inevitable consequences of ignoring God’s own Word.

The word “sanctions” however, includes more than just “spanking” but refers to the full range of negative consequences that a Christian parent can bring to bear against sinful behavior. Let me be honest, I do not want to just impose my values on my children, but to deeply root Biblical morality so far down deep inside of them, that they will love what God loves, and hate what God hates. Now, not for a moment am I confusing this with the formation of genuine Christian character- a result of the Holy Spirit’s work. I am unabashedly using social and psychological conditioning to, in so far as possible, inhibit certain values, and encourage others. Do not think I am recommending some sort of mind-game here, but am just using the very same techniques that EVERY parent uses to train their children in those areas where they share common values.

For example, every little girl, as a toddler wearing a dress plays with the hemline, often picking it up and covering her head with it. For an 18 month-old to do this is kind of cute and innocent and honestly, it has no moral implications whatsoever. A toddler does not yet have much of a sense of modesty at this age. She means nothing by it and only a sick pervert would see anything immodest in it. Yet, if an 18-year old girl did the same thing, everyone would be aghast at her impropriety. I dare say, few Christian girls (if any) would even contemplate doing such a thing and many would be even shocked by my using this even as an illustration. But my point here is that somehow, somewhere, she learned that this action was not cute, but immodest and she has now an ingrained inhibition against it (though parents who allow their teenage daughters to wear short skirts and bikinis are another problem).

This young lady learned modest behavior in two ways; first, she received a model of modesty from her mother, sisters, friends and general culture. As we mentioned earlier, our values and behaviors are greatly influenced by what we see around us. But secondly, her parents used negative sanctions to inhibit immodest conduct. They might at first just tell her nicely but firmly “nice girls don’t do that honey.” All children want their parent’s approval. For some kids, even the mildest expression of disapproval is enough of a negative sanction that the behavior is less likely to occur. Furthermore, the child will usually internalize that negative sanction by developing a conscience about the issue.

However, some children are more strong-willed than others. More than just a correction is needed. Sometimes the child has to be rebuked. A rebuke is a harsh correction. Now the tone of voice goes beyond mere firmness, and the disapproval is expressed in clear, uncertain terms. Again, most children will respond to this and the same internalization process goes on.

However, for some children, even a firm rebuke is not enough. They insist on having their own way and therefore a spanking may be in order. The spanking ought never be done because the parent is angry with the child and wants to lash out, but as the supreme expression of displeasure at the child’s obstinate refusal to obey. The secret to successfully using spanking as a teaching mechanism is to spank until repentance. Sadly, as I have watched many Christians spank their children, they only did so at the gravest provocation, and then only made the matter worse by not breaking the child’s rebellious will. The child is then sullen and resentful and as soon as the smart wears off, goes right back to the same behavior that got them in trouble in the first place.

However, if you spank hard enough, with the idea that your goal is to convince that child that this behavior is totally inappropriate and will not be accepted, you will see a change in the child’s attitude. Invariably, I have noticed that when spanked appropriately, the FIRST thing even the youngest child will do is to hold up his arms to his parents and want their love! And of course, that is EXACTLY what they need and what we ought to give them. A negative sanction was brought against their unacceptable behavior, now a positive response from the parents reinforces the attitudinal change.

Now I know what some you are going to say, “why, that’s just BEHAVIORISM!” No, my friend, it is not. It is the method that God Himself uses to discipline and change us. Read carefully 2 Timothy 3:16-17 again. Forget for a moment that we normally use this verse as the proof-text for the inspiration of Scripture, and instead look at what God Himself said Scripture would do for us- reprove, rebuke correct and train us in all godliness! God brings negative sanctions against our sin (read Deuteronomy 28 and then compare that with Hebrews 12) even as He forgives us, sustains us, blesses us and rewards us. Simply because some God-haters playing with dogs and rats in a laboratory finally figured out some things about how people learn, does not detract from the fact that God knew it first, and said it better in His Word.

The problem is that with a rebellious teenager, often (dare I say usually) the parents have NEVER taught their child that inappropriate, sinful behavior had negative consequences. Oh sure, they yelled at their kids, scolded them, argued with them, and sometimes even spanked them when they were young. But the parents had inconsistent standards of behavior, and when an issue came to a head, often, did not spank hard enough, or frequently enough to create that internal transformation we discussed earlier. Instead, they essentially taught them that if the kids just held out long enough, Mom and Dad would give in; then they could have their own way. Now that they are teenagers, their own way is to drink, fornicate, and party with their friends.

The older a child grows, the more able they are to both intellectually appreciate the consequences of their actions, as well as find justifications or excuses. If a parent has not been working consistently at inhibiting self-willed behavior and encouraging godly values, then when they try with a teenager, the inevitable question is “why?’ And of course, most parents say something like, “Because I say so.” And of course, Junior sees this as oppressive, dictatorial, repressive, over-bearing, etc.

Hence, the battle must be fought and won, when they are young. Once they have internalized a value, as they grow older, the child will find his own reasons for why this behavior is appropriate and acceptable. In fact, in our house, we go one step further. As my kids have entered into their teenage years, I constantly assault Christian values in family worship. We openly discuss morality, modesty, authority, submission, etc. I play the Devil’s Advocate and make my children think up good sound reasons WHY they ought to obey God. An important, but little known principle of learning is that if someone believes they have refuted an idea, then their commitment to the opposite position grows stronger. Think of this as a kind of intellectual inoculation. When someone is given a vaccination against a disease, a dead or weakened form of the germ is entered into the body, stimulating the natural defenses. As a result, the body is now prepared ahead of time when the real disease shows up. The above method works very much the same way by stimulating a child’s intellectual abilities to recognize error and convince him of the truth.

However, if a parent has NOT brought consistent negative sanctions against inappropriate behavior and attitudes when a child is young, it is extremely difficult to do so when he is a teenager. The task is not impossible, just more difficult. There appears to be a window in child-development wherein when they are younger, they are able to learn more easily than when they are older. Some studies suggest that basic moral behavior is developed in a child by the time he is six! Thus, if you miss this window, even though the child can still learn, it becomes just that much more difficult.

As we mentioned earlier, spanking a teenager is still appropriate, but because of the godlessness of the State, a rebellious teenager today will likely threaten to call social services on you. They might just walk out the door. I am tempted to say that if a teenager is so depraved that he is willing to use the power of the State against his parents it is too late and you need to let the little hellion go.

However, one could try all the other procedures we discussed. We have enjoyed some modest success in our ministry by bringing children and parents together, setting them down, and making the issues clear. We start by teaching what God clearly expects from both parent and child. We demand repentance from both parents and child for previous sins. We then teach basic conflict and confrontation procedures. And then finally, we help both parent and child to set realistic and appropriate standards. Over the course of counseling, we reinforce these basic Biblical standards.

Usually, we can at least bring peace to the household while the child remains in it. Sometimes, the child will comply until they reach 18 and can leave. Sometimes the child will just rebel anyway, and we have to counsel the parents to let them go and treat them as if they had died in a tragic accident. There is perhaps no harder action a parent can take then to “cut off” a child in this way. But sometimes it is the only resort. And in my experience, if the parents repented for their own failings, confessed those sins to their rebellious kids, established godly standards, and then enforced them, usually, the kids turned around. And in those cases where children chose rebellion over the family, and were cut off, invariably, after a few years, they repented, came back to their families and were restored. Never forget the parable of the prodigal son; once the dumb kid realized what life was like in the “real” world, he was humbled and ready to come back to the family on his father’s terms.

Conclusion and Applications

Throughout this entire essay, we have made one fundamental assumption; YOUR actions are responsible for your child’s rebellion. No, not for a moment have we forgotten or neglected original sin, but since God gave YOU the authority, and God gave YOU the power to enforce that authority, if your kids rebel, then the first step to begin fixing the problem is taking personal responsibility.

Now, some people will not like me for making the above assumption. They will think me unkind and cruel. Isn’t that poor parent suffering enough already without me adding more guilt? And as I have seen my brother elders counsel families going through rebellion, and showing them compassion, and praying (or even fasting) with them, the issue of the parent’s responsibility is seldom raised lest they be burdened with guilt.

And EVERY time, the kids continued their rebellion and broke their parent’s hearts. Sometimes my friend, the best friend you will ever have is someone who tells you the truth, no matter how unpleasant it may be to hear. And think with me; what kind of doctor would you rather have; one with a great bedside manner who would NEVER tell you the truth about your disease because he feared hurting your feelings, or one who not only identified the problem but gave you a means of treating it?

If you do not accept your responsibility for your children’s rebellion, you can never change the behavior that got you (and them) into trouble in the first place. If rebellion is just something that happens to some good kids, then you are powerless to do anything to change the situation. And a feeling of powerlessness leads inevitably to depression, fear and hopelessness.

Instead, as tough as it may have been to read and think through some of the principles in this essay, I want you to know and understand what you did wrong, so that by God’s grace you can repent, and start doing what is right. I really do believe (silly me) that God’s Word works. I really do believe that we must conform our ways, to God’s ways. I really do believe that if we live according to our standards, we will invariably make a mess out of things. And I really do believe that God blesses obedience, and disciplines disobedience, just as we are supposed to do for our own children.

Therefore, may I suggest that you go back and read this whole essay again, right from the beginning. Please pay especial attention to the parts that especially made you upset or uncomfortable. And then take a good, long look at your values, your priorities, and the way you are raising your family. Search the Scriptures, and feel free to refute me at any point where I have either misunderstood or misapplied God’s Word.

But start taking responsibility. Your children are your arrows into the future. If you raise them up to be godly, self-governed, responsible, dedicated Christians, they and their children will help to change the world. Through them, hundreds of years from now, you will still be having a ministry.

But if you fail to discipline, reprove, rebuke, correct or train them in righteousness, then your godly seed will have been wasted. It is the grace of God that He chooses to do His great work in this world, through families like yours and mine. The most important thing you will ever do is to love those kids of yours, educate them, train them and impart your Christian values to them. Now, honestly, isn’t that something worth living for? Isn’t that something worth sacrificing for? And isn’t that something worth CHANGING for?