I’m offended that you’re offended that I’m offended!

Relationships in our modern world are often fragile things. Partially due to the sociological influence of pluralization, Americans today often see their relationships as disposable. Pluralization refers to the consequences of there being a “plurality” or options; as the number of options INCREASES, the commitment to any one option DECREASES. Throughout history, most people had limited options in terms of relationships since they lived in small towns or villages, and seldom traveled more than a few miles from where they were born. As a result, they had to make the best out of the relationships that were available. Now this didn’t mean that somehow they were immune to broken relationships caused by sin; but they had every incentive to find solutions to their problems because the potential number of relationships was severely limited; if you offended everyone in your village, your life literally, could become a living hell.

We however, live in a pluralized society in much larger communities than our ancestors. This means that we have a far larger number of potential people with whom we can form relationships. But it also means that we have far less incentive to be committed to any one particular relationship. If someone offends us, we usually do not consider the relationship worth the cost to try and restore. After all, there is always another company to join, another new church to visit, another group of friends to seek out; and as a result, if a relationship becomes burdensome or difficult, it is just too easy to walk away and look for another. Most children today grow up and move away from home as soon as possible, seeking relationships with friends, because even their family is considered “disposable.” The holidays are often terribly traumatic as families rejoin and all the old, unresolved problems reappear.

Just think about the average Christian and his relationship to his church. Christians regularly change churches with alarming frequency. In fact, much of the research on church growth has demonstrated that seldom is it the result of evangelism but migration; Christians moving from one church to another. Some mega-churches show a 30% turnover in membership every year. And when you ask such Christians why they left their old church, the answer is usually that someone offended them. However, rather than work through the offense and be reconciled, it was just easier to move on in search of another church where, hopefully, things will turn out better. After all, there are a lot of churches out there, and maybe, with a little searching, you can find something better. From the widespread dissatisfaction observed over the years, this dream has about as much chance of being fulfilled as winning the lottery; yet every year, millions of Christians are willing to gamble on winning the jackpot and discover the “perfect” church.

This of course is the exact same motivation behind the high divorce rate in American marriages. A marriage consists of two sinners living in close proximity who have every opportunity to recurrently offend one another. If those offenses are not dealt with Biblically and DAILY, then the joy of marriage becomes a horrible burden. The secret to a successful and rewarding marriage, full of romance and intimacy is quite simply working at it every day; work which many people do not consider worth the cost in the light of the return. So, therefore, husband and wife sin against one another, offend one another, but do not want to work through those offenses and sins because they price is too high. Since “the grass always looks greener on the other side” many people, even Christians are willing to end THIS relationship in hopes that THAT relationship might turn out better. After all, there are so many potential relationships out there, why be committed to THIS relationship when something better MIGHT be available next week? Of course the pain and trauma of divorce, the loneliness, heartache and bitterness are often ignored as well as the fact that people tend to marry the same kind of people over, and over again!

Clearly Christians should do better. The essence of Biblical Christianity is relational; to love God and love one another. Therefore, relationships are central to Biblical faith. We are not allowed to dispose of relationships just because they become messy, inconvenient or require some work to maintain. If we truly love God, then we MUST love one another, and that means learning how to resolve problems with one another.

And central to THAT concern is learning how to handle offenses Biblically. And right up front, let’s make a distinction between a sin and an offense. A sin is a violation of God’s moral law. While all sins are first and foremost sins against God, they usually involve sins against others. God commands us, in His Word to protect the life, wife, property and reputation of our neighbor. He then amplifies and elaborates on these basic principles throughout the Proverbs and the New Testament to show us how to apply them in our relationships with one another. When we violate these principles, we are sinning against God and our brother. For example, we are not allowed to hate one another, slander one another, gossip about one another, etc.

Sin always breaks a relationship. God in Christ restores our broken relationship with Him by taking the full penalty of sin upon Himself. Hence, there is true forgiveness and restoration possible. And since God has restored us, Christians of all people are supposed to be committed to restoring their relationships with one another; forgiving each other up to “seventy times seventy” if necessary.

Yet, as we have seen, relationships are all too often broken, and disposed of, because someone offended us and we didn’t think the relationship was worth the cost of fixing it. Fixing it means talking, and listening, and admitting the areas where we were wrong and for many people, that means they have to humble themselves-something unthinkable. But the result of such an attitude is that we never experience the deep, meaningful intimacy that is the definition of true Biblical love. God does not dispose of us because we sin against Him; and therefore we are not allowed to write one another off because we have been sinned against. Jesus said that the one defining mark of the true church was that its people would have love for one another. Therefore, if people do NOT love each other Biblically, restoring their relationships when their sin breaks them, then Christ is simply not among them!

Yet as important as forgiving and restoring a relationship when one has been sinned against, often, relationships are considered disposable just because another person has offended us. Someone said something we did not like, did not treat us the way we think we ought to be treated, and our feelings are hurt. For some, one offense is enough to cut the other out of their lives immediately. Others may be a bit thicker skinned; but over time, there comes a point when the offenses add up and the relationship no longer seems worth the cost.

And let us be honest, every relationship DOES have a cost. A relationship by definition means that YOU put something in, and THEY put something in because you BOTH want something out. God said back at the beginning, “it is not good for the man to be alone.” God in His innermost nature is triune with each of the persons of the Godhead loving the other members. Thus, we NEED relationships: we cannot be fully human, happy or satisfied unless we are in right relationships with God and others.

The problem is that because of our sin, we often want the wrong things OUT of the relationship. And this is why offenses must be distinguished from sins. Since Adam’s fall, every person wants to be a little god, determining good and evil for themselves. Thus every person, right at the core of his being, thinks of himself as the center of the universe with other people existing to meet HIS needs and expectations. Even though God in Christ regenerates our hearts and redeems us from our sin, it is a constant battle throughout life to work this inner change out.

Here is an important thought, one of those insights that come along occasionally that really does have the potential of changing your life if you can get your mind around it and act accordingly; an offense is not always the same thing as a sin. Did you get that, just because YOU feel offended, does not mean that someone has sinned against you!

When people sin against us, they have violated the objective standards of God’s moral law. But when people OFFEND us, they have violated the subjective standards of OUR moral law. See the difference? If people break God’s law, then we have every right, for THEIR good, to call them to account. But the subtlety here (“for the heart is deceitful and desperately wicked; who can know it?”) is that because of this fundamental sinful orientation within the human nature to want to be as God determining good and evil for ourselves, if we are not careful, we can replace God’s unchanging moral standards with our own subjective ones. We expect people to treat us in a certain way, and when they do not, we are offended, hurt, angered, depressed, frustrated, and irritated. Then, we want to strike back at them so we yell at them, gossip about them, slander them behind their backs, become bitter, etc. And if we consider the offense a serious enough assault on our pride, we dispose of the relationship.

We are offended, because deep down inside, where we hope nobody will ever see it, we implicitly believe we have the right to be the center of the universe, and therefore assume that we have a right to be treated in a certain way; and our pride gets hurt when we are not. For years, since coming to faith in Christ, I have watched this dynamic work itself out in the average church, time and time again. When God changed my heart, I fully expected that He would change every aspect of my life; I knew that I was a dismal failure as a human being and one of the prime motivations of becoming a Christian was the expectation that God would change me. Therefore I expected that everything I knew about life was wrong and that every aspect of my life needed to be changed.

But over the years, I have come to see that this is NOT a common assumption amongst the average Christian. Most Christians I have known grew up in the church and were pretty confident that they had it together and didn’t need to change at all. In fact, they had deliberately created a sub-culture within the Christian community where instead of demanding obedience to God, submission to His will and a transformed life, to the contrary, the entire church was dedicated to preserving the individual assumption of their own godhood! In other words, the unspoken assumption amongst the average Christian is that we must all strive to protect each other’s pride.

You see, if you challenge people in the church to change, you risk losing them to the church down the street where the standards are lower! So the one thing that is true of almost every church I ever attended was that everything IN the church was deliberately constructed to make people happy, satisfied and content with themselves. Sins went unrebuked, conflicts were covered up, and messages were toned down so that the person sitting in the pew was NEVER forced to do ANYTHING he was not already resolved to do anyway.

And later on, when I became a pastor, I ran into trouble again and again when I unwittingly assumed that people who called themselves “Christian” had the same underlying motivation to change that I had. Over the years, many people have told me how wonderful my preaching was UNTIL that preaching affected some area in THEIR life. When THEY had to change, all of a sudden I went from this powerful, interesting, dynamic preacher, to a nasty, power-mad tyrant; sometimes literally within the same week!

Christians it seems have created certain cultural standards of right and wrong behavior that has nothing to do with God’s moral law just to protect their own self-image. They are offended, not when someone sins against them (that happens often enough) but because others violate their “bubble” of pride.

I first say this dynamic in the “Share Your Ignorance” Bible “studies” that the average church conducted; you know the ones I am talking about? A “SYI” study is where everyone sits around in a circle, and without anyone doing any actual research or study, everyone gets to share their opinion of what a verse means. But NOBODY in these studies is ever wrong, and EVERY opinion must have equal value, even if someone is “sharing” a heresy! I actually read in the teacher’s manual for the official Sunday school curriculum for one of the largest evangelical denominations in the world state that, “the process of thinking through an idea is more important than the conclusion reached.” Did you get that? Just sitting around talking together, even if the conclusion is heretical, is more important that actually discovering truth? How could ANY Christian no matter how theologically uneducated accept that premise for a moment?

Well, the reason why is that that Pastors, elders, deacons, and Sunday School teachers already assume something about the purpose of the average church that we who came to faith from outside the sub-culture find hard to understand. They know that if they challenge there congregations, some will be offended. If people are offended, then they are likely to dispose of the church and find some place else to worship. Therefore, they must NEVER for ANY reason endanger anyone’s pride bubble by implying that they need to change. The same dynamic works on creating committees and programs where everyone in the church can be given a job to do which makes them feel important. It doesn’t matter whether the job NEEDS to be done, or whether a committee is the best way to do a particular job; what is important is that we give people the illusion that they have some vital contribution to make.

Over the years, I have come under my share of flack for my radical idea that the most important job for the average Christian is to love his wife, train his children and work diligently at his calling. There is no glamour in these day-to-day responsibilities; these things do not inflate a man’s pride. Yet, is there ANY more important task for the average person than fulfilling his domestic duties? Part of the problem of course is that we are supposed to ASSUME that things are perfectly fine at home; otherwise we would again be assaulting his personal pride bubble. Therefore, despite his failure to have dominion in his home, we must find some creative way to elevate him in the church.

But the same dynamic is true of almost every other aspect of Christian relationships. Some people will become offended if they invite you over to their home, and you do not bring a gift. Some Christians will be offended if you do not remember their birthdays and send them a card. Some people will be offended if you disagree with them, even if the disagreement is pleasant, well-mannered, and well-intentioned.

I stopped having mixed men’s and women’s Bible studies years ago when the wives would become agitated and deeply offended every time the men really began sharpening one another in discussion. Someone would throw out an idea, which the other men would start to discuss, and then one or more of the wives would get upset because of the disagreement! We could never actually work through an idea, and test it to see if it was Biblical, because the women wanted everyone to be agreed. Furthermore, often, one of the women would be offended, not because anyone was rude or discourteous to her, but because someone disagreed with her! Her offense then became her husband’s offense who felt honor bound to defend his wife!

And in none of these cases was there any “sin” or violation of God’s moral law. No, the real problem was that each person was more concerned about protecting the bubble of their personal pride. Truth and the requirements of obeying God must always take second place to giving each person the illusion that they do not need to change, that God loves and accepts them just the way they are. Have you ever noticed this dynamic; every Christian will admit he is a sinner saved by grace, as long as the “sin” is general and non-specific. But try actually, lovingly and kindly confronting a person about a SPECIFIC sin and you will be accused of arrogance, pride, hypercritical, judgmental and cruel!

Well, God does love you and did accept you just the way you were; a dirty rotten sinner fit only for Hell! But then, once He brought you into His Kingdom, you are supposed to submit every area of your life, every thought that you think, every word that you speak, and every action you take to His moral absolutes! But that presupposition appears to be lacking in the average Christian’s mind. Instead, he assumes that if other people do NOT treat him the way HE wants to be treated, he has a right to be offended. And in reality, the offense was that simply that somehow, his pride was hurt.

It does not matter whether anyone INTENDED to hurt his pride; no, the real issue is that his pride is injured and so therefore, whoever did so must be a bad person. For example, I have seen some Christians call other Christians “arrogant” not because the person actually WAS arrogant, but simply because that person actually knew what he was talking about! But you see if Mr. B. knows what he is talking about and you do not, then you have two options; (1) you can be humble and learn from him; but that would mean acknowledging that you are not the center of the universe; or (2) you can protect your pride and attack his character!

Sadly, the second option is the one most often used in my experience over the past thirty years of being a Christian. The unwritten law that works within the church is that one must NEVER make ANYONE ever feel that their pride is threatened; for once the pride is threatened, then they are offended. And once offended, it is just too easy to dispose of the relationship and walk away.

Elaine and I have laughed more than once over the years at the emphasis that some Christians give to the symbols of an intimate relationship while neglecting the reality of the relationship. We have sat in more than one lecture room or read more than one book on marriage where symbols such as giving your wife flowers, having a weekly date, writing each other love letters, etc., is considered of vital importance. Women with tears will complain about their “unloving, insensitive, uncaring husbands” who failed to make them “feel special.”

But we have never done any of those things. In fact one of the recurring jokes in our house is that just before we were married, Elaine threw away all my love letters written to her during our courtship. Her reasoning was that she was limited in space and needed the room in her suitcases because she was about to move to America. And since we were about to BE married, she no longer needed those symbols of our love that the letters represented. We both think it is hilarious that OTHER people are OFFENDED for me, because Elaine threw away some paper with words.

But the symbol is not the reality. I do not carry a picture of my wife or kids in my wallet because I have the advantage of working at home every day where I can SEE them and INTERACT with them at will. When you have the reality, you do not need the symbol. But could it be that so many women are desperate for the symbol because they lack the reality? Now, not for a moment am I saying that there is anything wrong with buying your lady flowers, or taking her out for dinner without the kids. But what I am trying to get at is that in many people’s minds, the symbol actually becomes more important whether the relationship is actually Biblical because the symbol is intended to bolster their pride.

And that is exactly how most Christians relate to one another; they unconsciously assume that as a little god, other people have a moral responsibility to protect their pride. In return, they promise to protect the other person’s pride. Therefore, whenever their pride is hurt, whether intentionally or unintentionally, they believe they have the right to be offended. And because they either do not know, or do not care about Biblical principles of reconciliation and restoration, the average Christian is ready to throw away relationships whenever they become inconvenient.

Practical Application

So what is it exactly that I am trying to get Christians to do? First, with every fiber of my being, let me encourage us all to learn how to recognize the differences between sins and offenses. Maybe I have imbibed more than my fair share of psycho-babble over the years (occupational hazard), but it certainly seems to me that most Christians are not really (Lord forgive me for saying this) “in touch” with their own motivations. Few Christians seem willing or able to take a step back and look at WHY they react to people, problems and life the way they do.

Perhaps this is a “bell curve” kind of phenomenon, or some sociological dynamic I have never been able to identify, but the Scriptures remind us of how deceitful and wicked our hearts really are and therefore “feelings” ought not to be trusted. But the average Christian seems to assume that if they FEEL something, then therefore it MUST be true. Thus if I “feel” hurt by something you said or did, then therefore you MUST have hurt me.

However, maybe all you did was disturb my “comfort zone” by making me realize that I am not the center of the universe. Elaine and I like to tell the story about our first experience with a new couple that came to our Sunday school class years ago. At the time, we were just another member of the class, but each week, we would try and invite various people home for lunch to get to know them and hopefully minister to them. One day, Bruce and Kathy walked in and both of us had the same reaction. Bruce was tall and handsome, looking as if he just stepped off the cover of GQ magazine; his wife Kathy was gorgeous enough to be a model. They were both from rich families and were highly qualified medical professionals. When they sat at our table, Elaine and I looked at each other and telepathically said to one another, “I bet these people are really superficial and they just HAVE to be unspiritual.” However, we tried to get to know them anyway, even though they made us both feel like ugly ducklings in comparison.

Of course, Bruce and Kathy were and are two of the sweetest, most gracious Christians we have ever known, loving God and His people with grace and dignity. But they are SO beautiful and SO gracious and SO successful, it makes us poor mortals feel inferior in comparison. We haven’t seen them in twenty years now, so I can write the above without embarrassing them; but my point here is that often, people OFFEND us because we feel inferior in their presence. Hence, we can look for things to be offended about, just to knock those people off their high horses and level the playing field. And yet, so often, Christians are unaware that the reason WHY they don’t like someone, or they are offended by someone has nothing to do with who that person is, or what they may have, but rather by an inner desire to preserve the illusion of our own divinity.

Even if another person sins against us, our FIRST motivation ought to be for THEIR benefit, not our own (Phil 2:1ff). When a Christian sins, they have first and foremost sinned against God. Therefore, we confront them, so that they can repent of that sin and be reconciled before God. Our motivation ought NEVER to be to preserve our own pride, dignity, honor, etc., because let us be honest, not ONE of us ever has ANYTHING to be proud about! God saved us, not because we were cute and fluffy and loveable, but as a demonstration of His own grace and goodness. Therefore, if someone sins against us, it is simply insignificant to the sin against God’s glory and honor.

And if we should treat actual sins against us this way, how much more gracious and kind ought we to be when the issue is simply that our pride was wounded? If we feel that someone has said something or done something that offends us, we need to learn how to analyze WHY it offended us. The problem though is that often, our hearts are SO deceived, that when we are offended, we try to justify the offense by CREATING a sin the other person committed! If we can convince ourselves (and others) that so and so is a no good, arrogant, nasty, evil individual, then it justifies our wounded pride.

This is a most dangerous action; God is jealous for His own glory and we have no right to call something sin, unless He Himself has already done so. Yet in order to justify our hurt feelings, we will often break God’s law about bearing false witness against our neighbor by creating a sin where none exists. No, it is not enough to say, “You know, I just do not care for Bob’s personality and would rather spend time with someone else.” If we said that, we wouldn’t be preserving our own little divine right to determine good and evil. If we do not like Bob, then therefore, Bob MUST be a bad person in some way. Therefore, we tend to create rationalizations to justify our dislike of Bob. And in so doing, WE break God’s Law and bring His own judgments on our heads. Instead, we ought to do a little soul-searching; has this person sinned against me, or just offended me. And if I am offended, what does God expect me to do as a result?

Most Christians when they are offended think that this then justifies being nasty, bitter, angry and accusatory of the others; after all HE started it! However, God says, “do not return evil for evil or insult for insult, but give a blessing instead.” This is a verse we required all of our children to learn at a very early age. And in the inevitable squabbles that every large family endures, often, we can still find two children going at each other occasionally. As we sit them down and ask for both sides of the story, it often becomes a “Well, he said this and so I said that.” But as we tell the kids, THEIR sin does not justify YOUR sin. If given evil, we are supposed to return it with good. If given an insult, we are supposed to return a blessing. This is not rocket science, this is not advanced theology; this is just plain vanilla, Biblical Christianity.

But when I see conflicts break out between Christians, almost universally, NONE of the people involved either understand or are willing to apply this most basic principle of Biblical relationships. No, the assumption is that “I am a little god and the world revolves around me and when my feelings get hurt by others I will whine and complain and accuse and get on the phone and tell everybody why so and so is a miserable, nasty person and if you do not listen to me and give me the pity I want and agree with me why then you’re not really my friend and I will get hurt all over again and talk to my REAL friends and tell them what a nasty person YOU are…” And so, we go through relationships like a baby goes through disposable diapers because anything else would require a little bit of humility.

Here is another Biblical principle that can change our lives; not EVERY offense needs to be corrected, rebuked or even mentioned! Scripture says, “Love covers a multitude of transgressions.” The word “cover” here is the same word used for atonement; the idea being that the blood of a sacrifice “covers” or “hides” the sin from God. When people transgress against us (and transgression means more than just sin but would include the idea of offenses) then sometimes, all we need to do is just let it go. If we have God’s love, then we love others; and that sometimes means that when people offend us, we just let the love cover it. One of the great joys of being a “Calvinist” is that I have come to expect people to sin against me because, well, people are sinners! I expect total depravity to affect every area of life and therefore, though I can be hurt, wounded, and offended, it really is no big deal.

But sadly, there are a lot of other Christians who not seem to get it here; if you offend THEM, well, it’s the end of the line, buddy. “How COULD you say that, do that, think that, etc.” Hmm, people with higher moral standards than God; what a concept! Yet, too often, that is exactly why relationships break up; Christians just do not seem to grasp that if an offense happens, love can overlook it. This is not a matter of suppressing something, but simply giving an offense over to God and saying “Lord, you handle it.”

But we do not want to overlook offenses because we think we are little gods and have the right to demand that people act the way WE think we should act. Therefore, the more “spiritual” among us or the more theologically erudite then try to accuse others of sin, when in reality; it is just a matter of personal pride. Usually, we do not have the actual moral courage to GO to the person who has offended us so that we could be reconciled; instead, it’s the old gossip train all over again…

But letting love cover a multitude of transgressions simply means that we ought to expect people to disappoint us, frustrate us, offend us and yes, even SIN against us. And while we CAN use the principles of Matthew 18:15 if necessary, usually, we ought to just let it go by. After all, the real issue of Matthew 18 is when a person is in SIN before God, not necessarily that he sinned against US. If love is to cover a multitude of transgressions, then by definition, the vast majority of times, when someone offends us, we ought to just allow love to deal with it, not take offense and move on.

Finally, as another application of this principle, we can all develop a thick-skin when it comes to offenses. Just because we FEEL a certain way, does not mean the other person is the cause. We feel what we feel, and there is nothing wrong with hauling your feelings out and having a close, hard look at them. But we are NEVER to allow our feelings to dictate our actions. God’s Law, principles, statutes and commandments are supposed to govern our lives, not our feelings. When Christians allow their feelings to control them, they are again, implicitly assuming their own divinity; that they have a right to feel the way they do, and other people have a responsibility to act in such a way as to make us feel the way we want.

But here is a shocker; no one makes you feel anything. That is right, your feelings are biochemical responses based on your cognitive assessment of various stimulus. You feel fear, when your brain tells you that you are in danger. You feel anger, when your brain interprets something as a threat. Over your life, you have learned to evaluate various situations and have assigned an appropriate emotional response. But YOU have determined when it is justifiable to feel anger, fear, lust, depression, etc. The unregenerate man is a slave to his emotions because he has no higher authority than his own will (reinforced by social customs) to determine appropriate from inappropriate responses. But we Christians ought to know better; when we say “Jesus is Lord” this is more than just some ritual we perform, but a confession that Jesus Christ and HIS will always takes precedence over our own.

Therefore, when we feel anger, fear, depression, lust or whatever, we must ALWAYS assess whether that emotion is appropriate or not in terms of God’s will, not ours. People do not make us feel anything, we feel, what we feel. Sometimes those feelings might be appropriate, sometimes they might be inappropriate but God is always the standard by which we judge, not our feelings.

Thus, we can become “thick-skinned” by not allowing our emotions to control us when we interact with others. The only Person whose opinion of us really matters is God; if others do not treat us the way we want, speak to us the way we expect, defer to us as they ought, then it is no big deal. If Christ is in us, we belong to God. God is sovereign and working His will through every single situation and problem. All we have to do is be humble before Him, seek His wisdom and then, by His grace determine the proper response to any life situation. Sure, we may often FEEL one way and by God’s Law be forced to actually ACT directly contrary to those feelings. This is not being hypocritical; just humble. Our feelings are not God and we do not have to be enslaved to them. Therefore, we do not have to take offense at the actions of others but can rise above the situation to ask ourselves what God wants us to do in THIS situation.

Conclusion

If we do not understand how to deal with offenses, then we are going to be miserable. First, God is going to judge us one way or the other. But secondly, we will never experience the intimacy and meaningfulness that proper relationships are supposed to provide. Disposing of relationships because we are offended is simply not an option for the Christian. It is time for Christians to wake up and recognize that our pride is what is causing all of our problems; pride that is merely an illusion; at best, the remnants of a faint stench from before our hearts were regenerated.

Life is too short and redeemed people too precious in God’s sight then to allow our silly pride to destroy the very essence of Biblical Christianity. So let us lighten up a little bit, humble ourselves before God and our brother, expect people to fail us and let love cover a multitude of transgressions. Let us being a little wiser and honest and develop a thick skin about offenses. And remember that if we say we love God, but do not love our brother, we are simply being self-deceived.

Relationships in God’s view are never disposable; if the person on the other side is in fact a Christian then he IS your brother and you WILL spend eternity with him. Therefore treat him with dignity and respect, be ready to overlook his offenses against you, seek peace with him whenever possible and trust that God will take care of you. Really, it’s the only way to live.