How to be at Peace Even in the Midst of Crisis

Introduction

One of the fringe benefits to getting older is developing a sense of perspective. After having been around for a while, getting banged up, acquiring a few scars and hopefully learning some humility, you realize that life is complex, often difficult and things never seem to turn out quite the way you expected. If this life experience is mixed with a little self-honesty, we often discover that, who and where we are in life, is not always where we hoped to be. You see, every one of us today, is the result of the thousands of decisions we made years ago; how we would eat, what kind of education we would obtain, the people with whom we chose to associate, how we handled pain, disappointment and hurts. Our parents gave us our genetic potential, our upbringing developed that potential, but as adults WE made certain choices; and in the end, who we have become is the direct result of the choices we have made.

Sure, some of us started off with less than superior genes, and less than effective parenting. Some of us never had certain doors opened to us that could have made a real difference in our careers, life experiences, or other opportunities. However, if we are dissatisfied with our lives, the real problem is that most of us never lived up to the possibilities that WERE made available to us. All of us could have studied harder in school, appreciated and learned more from our parents (even the “less than optional” ones), made wiser decisions about how to spend our time, money and emotional energy. We could have worked harder at our jobs or trained for better ones. We could have been kinder to our friends and less demanding, more giving to our loved ones and less selfish. In other words, if we look at our lives and do not like what we see, the first step is to take personal responsibility for what WAS under our control.

But it is always easier to blame someone or something else for why we are not happier, healthier or more successful. One of “truths” that we often avoid is that life is not fair; we do not all start out on a level playing field because each one of the six billion people presently alive on this planet is unique; physically, intellectually and socially. Sure, it is nice to fantasize that if we were only taller, prettier, or smarter, with those rare genes that would allow us to eat anything we want and never put on a pound we THINK that we would be happier and more content but the reality is that we are, what we are warts and all. One of the most important facets of becoming an adult and developing a mature perspective is to recognize the world for what it actually is and take personal responsibility to make the best decisions within the options we were given; only children (physically or emotionally) whine because they cannot have something that is impossible to possess.

However, in our modern culture, many people never really grow up but live in perpetual adolescence. They do not want to assume adult responsibilities but instead, think the world should revolve around their interests, desires and fantasies. Then, as age creeps up on them, they find that their life seems empty or futile; relationships do not seem to work and that happiness has somehow eluded them. Whether we like it or not, there is also a lot of pain in this life that is unavoidable; people die, they leave us, they disappoint us - they even sometimes deliberately hurt us. And when all these factors come together, the quality of the life we have built is severely tested; the life we built on all those thousands of decisions we made over the years about how we would live.

When some people are tested this way, they abandon their spouses or commit adultery because they think that the cost of betrayal is less than the promise of happiness with someone else. Some people try to change their careers because they think a different job will make them happier; and often impoverish themselves and their families. Some people medicate themselves with alcohol that numbs the pain at least in the short term. And some people withdraw into a fantasy life where the characters in movies and television programs seem more real and important than their own family and friends ending up being lonely, depressed and bitter.

Since we have been indoctrinated with the myth that science and technology offer all the answers, people whose lives are falling apart often run to the physician or psychotherapist to find an answer. The medical doctor then prescribes various pills - antidepressants, tranquilizers and sedatives - in an attempt to make the pain go away. The psychotherapist tries to “talk” the person through their life problems. However, even the most “scientific” studies show that neither approach works; 2/3rds of the people on antidepressants continue to have symptoms regardless of dosage; only 30% of people who go for counseling actually get “better” (the same percentage as those who do NOT go for counseling). The medical community WANTS to help; but a failing life is not something that can be fixed with a pill (granted there are severe biochemical problems that CAN be addressed with medication but these are uncommon and rare the average person looking for a pill to fix their angst about life often finds that the chemicals can actually drive them insane). Emotional pain is the equivalent of that annoying little red light that shows up on the dashboard of your car when the oil level is low; the “medical” response is essentially to smash out the warning light that something is wrong!

Instead, to “fix” one’s life requires us to take an honest look at the kinds of decisions we have made that resulted in the kind of person we have become. Then, it requires a little humility; that we have to make some changes. Change is hard, and the longer we go down the wrong path, the harder it is to turn around and find our way back. But the only hope to living a life that is peaceful, rewarding, satisfying, contented and “happy” is to live consistently with the way the world really is, not just the way we would like it to be.

Physically

We are physical beings with both our bodies and our brains working according to certain biochemical processes. Even our emotions have an organic component; what we “feel” is the result of certain chemical interactions; hormones and the like. Our bodies need fuel and oxygen to function; and if it does not get the right kind of “fuel” it can have significant effects on how we feel. For example, most of us drink some kind of caffeinated beverage on a daily basis; a cup of coffee or tea in the morning, or a soft drink during the day gives us both a mental and a physical short term boost. Research has shown that caffeine in moderate dosages actually has many long term health benefits but that an excess makes us jittery, nervous can interfere with our sleep and even lead to serious physical and emotional problems. In the same way, sugar gives us a chemical “rush” that makes us feel energetic - for a time. However, that “rush” is countered by the body overcompensating by producing insulin to lower the high blood sugar level resulting in a “crash” where people feel sluggish, tired or even depressed.

Now just consider this caffeine/sugar illustration as it applies to how we feel about life. We start the day with a cup of coffee sweetened with sugar, helping to wake us up and get ready for the day’s responsibilities. However, after a couple of hours, we start feeling bad as the body tries to adjust itself to what is, to all intents and purposes, a drug “high.” We then drink MORE coffee (with sugar) to hold off the “crash” until by the middle of the afternoon, we just feel terrible and cannot wait for the work day to end because we are SO tired! This means, that though we go to work and try to do our best, it is often a struggle to get through the day; especially when we find our work less than fulfilling. And let us be honest, work, for most of us, is more than just a paycheck; what we do and how well we do it makes up a great part of how we, and others think about ourselves. If we do not do our job well, then we lose the respect of not only our bosses, but our peers; no one likes to think of themselves as “below average” or worse yet, a “loser!” There is a great deal of satisfaction that comes from a job “well done” and a great deal of humiliation when we fail.

In other words, the better we feel physically, generally speaking, the better we feel emotionally and the better we are able to fulfill all those adult responsibilities. When we are under stress (and stress is unavoidable in any area of life) our bodies produce various chemicals that help us to either “fight or flee” from danger. Even though most of us will never have to outrun a lion or chase down a deer for lunch, our bodies are designed to deal with just those kinds of situations. In the past, when a person fought or fled, those chemicals were “burned” up in the body, keeping the person slim, trim and healthy.

Throughout most of human history, the vast majority of people had to do some kind of hard physical labor; work which metabolized all those chemicals and toxins and actually made their bodies stronger (when of course, they had enough food). And again, when one reads the diaries, journals and accounts of people who lived before industrialization, a time when no one but kings and emperors enjoyed the luxuries we take for granted today, one seldom finds the same kind of angst, depression and feelings of hopelessness that afflict so many people in our age. Were they really that much happier in their poverty than we are in our relative wealth? Or perhaps could part of the reason be that since most of us have non-physical type jobs today, our bodies never get the opportunity to properly deal with all those chemical compounds that stress produces?

And adding to this is the way we eat; most of our food is processed in some way which means that we might be missing certain essential vitamins, minerals and other nutrients. 18^th British sailors often suffered from “scurvy;” a disease caused by a lack of fresh fruits and vegetables which were unavailable on long sea voyages that lasted months, if not years. Eventually, the British Navy discovered that adding lime juice to their seamen’s diet kept sailors healthy even over the longest trips; which is why even to this day, “Limey” is a slang term for an Englishman.

Therefore, if we want to feel better about life in general, we need to eat better, and exercise more. A lot of people become depressed because they are overweight and in our culture, that makes them unattractive. We are overweight today in the West because we have more food than we need; a problem our ancestors would have loved to have had. Furthermore a lot of that food is processed, packaged and specifically designed with added sugar and fat; just think ice cream, cake or various types of chips. Such food has little actual nutritional value but it TASTES good!

Hence, because the average person does not have a physically demanding job, we eat far more calories per day than we need; and many of those calories come from products that hardly qualify as “food.” So we grow obese, and as we get heavier, we feel more sluggish and less motivated; meaning that we are even less likely to do the things that would actually give us a better quality of life. We do not like how we look (since we are bombarded with images of beautiful people with unnaturally slim bodies in magazines, films and television) and we feel bad; and for many people the one of the few thing that gives them real pleasure is that dish of ice cream, piece of cake, or the crisp munching of barbeque flavored chips. Thus, at least part of the reason why so many people “feel bad” is that they do not exercise their bodies which would remove some of the chemical by-products of the inevitable stress that comes in life and they eat the wrong foods, in the wrong amounts.

Part of the solution is as simple as getting off the couch and going for a walk every day. Most people do not do that because they feel so tired and sluggish that they cannot find the “energy.” They may buy exercise tapes, get a membership in a gym or invest in all those fancy exercise machines advertised on television but in the end, it is just too much like work. And the reason why they feel so sluggish is because they are not eating good food or getting their metabolism up by doing any physical activity. Hence, the suggestion of just learning to take a walk, four times a week, for about forty minutes; unless physically handicapped, all of us can walk. You do not need to be an athlete, join a team, or buy expensive equipment; just take a brisk walk around your neighborhood every other day. Walking is better than running or jogging, because the older one gets, the more stressful running becomes on knees and joints.

Are we saying here that we have to live a monk’s life full of deprivation and hard work in order to feel better? Well, no, not really; life has many legitimate pleasures that can and should be enjoyed in the right way at the right time; it’s just a matter of moderation and judgment. A glass of wine has been shown to have significant health benefits; but those benefits are lost after two or three glasses. An occasional donut or a piece of pie once a week will not kill you; but a regular diet of Ho-Ho’s and Twinkies eventually will! So it is not a matter of deprivation, just eating wisely; the average person could lose ten pounds a year simply by eliminating ONE slice of bread per day. A daily walk can extend your lifespan and the quality of that lifespan by up to ten years! And just a little bit of exercise weekly will make you sleep better which in turn, affects how well you feel every day.

Emotionally

A second aspect of getting one’s life in order is learning how to deal with strong, negative emotions. In our culture today, it is almost universally assumed that one is supposed to live according to their feelings. For example, who should we marry? The usual response might be something like, “Well, the person with whom you fall in love!” Seems obvious, right? However, what we call “falling in love” is something that has been studied in great detail; and as an emotional/psychological phenomenon has to do with how our brain chemistry reacts to certain people. Furthermore, “falling in love” has a “life expectancy” of about six months in other words, normally speaking people fall “out” of love just as quickly as they fall “into” love.

Now we are not against “falling in love” just trying to understand how our emotions affect our lives; and all of us know family and friends who “fell in love” with the wrong sorts of people. No one denies that they might have felt a strong, almost overpowering attraction to another person but because their personalities, gifts and goals were such that the relationship was doomed from the beginning. Now, romantic tragedies might make for great drama to watch on TV (if you are into that sort of thing) but in real life, it destroys lives. In this life, few people will suffer anything as hurtful as a divorce. At least one of the reasons why so many marriages break up is that the couple assumed that “falling in love” was supposed to be the “real” basis for marriage and when the feelings wore off they discovered that making the marriage work was just too difficult.

However, “falling in love” is just one example of a common problem; we think because we feel, we ought to do and therefore we are justified in making life decisions based on those feelings. For example, if we have an argument with a friend or family member and feel angry, betrayed or frustrated, then we assume THEY made us feel that way, THEY are responsible and WE are justified in responding in kind. When we feel sad, then SOMETHING must have made us feel that way and we are HELPLESS because we are victims of forces outside of our control.

But as we have already noted, feelings are largely biochemical in origin; we “feel” certain things because our bodies react chemically in certain ways. Hence, the health of our bodies directly affects how we feel. All of us have woken up after a bad night’s sleep and found ourselves “feeling” irritable, cranky, and “bad tempered.” And it is very “natural” in those situations to lash out at others, criticize or find fault with others or even blame them for our problems. But the real problem is not what THEY did, but that WE felt terrible that morning and we attributed THEIR actions as the cause of OUR feelings!

A mature person on the other hand, acknowledges responsibility for their own feelings; remember, other people do not and cannot control what happens in YOUR body; nobody ever makes us FEEL anything WE make ourselves feel something (positive or negative). It is our thinking, our beliefs and unconscious assumptions that determine how we respond to what other people say and do. Hence it is not so much what they do that determines our feelings but how WE respond to them that makes us feel one way or the other.

As long as we blame others for how we feel we are victims; and that means we are powerless which is precisely why so many people feel depressed, frustrated and hopeless. But if we take responsibility for our feelings and determine that we can do what is right, regardless of how we feel, then we have hope. People who allow their feelings to control them are like children being bullied in a school yard; the bully takes away their lunch money, humiliates them in front of their peers and makes their life miserable. The ONLY way to deal with a bully is to get past the fear and intimidation and stand up to them; even if you get knocked down, you can always get right back up. Eventually, the bully realizes that he cannot control you anymore and walks away - and it is the same thing with our feelings.

We feel what we feel; we do not have to castigate ourselves for feeling bad, sad, miserable, incompetent, inferior, unattractive, shy, or whatever. What we can do though is say to ourselves, “I am not a victim I can do what is right regardless of how I feel.” We have used this technique very successfully over the years to teach clients how to overcome their shyness, deal with chronic depression, rise above their fears, resolve interpersonal conflicts, and even learn how to talk to members of the opposite sex without feeling like an idiot! You can do what is right, regardless of how you feel as long as you know what the “right” really is.

Intellectually

And this brings us to how we think about the world around us. We are rational creatures with the ability to analyze and reach conclusions. Granted, as in every other area of life some people are really smart and others are well, let us be charitable and say, less than gifted intellectually. However, if you are reading this, you are already on the good side of the IQ bell curve; “less than gifted people” would have put this essay down after the first dependant clause!

Reason is simply the ability to reach the “proper” conclusion from the evidence we have. For example, if we see a bottle with a “skull and crossbones” on it, based on prior evidence, we ought to conclude that it contains poison and NOT drink from it! When we see a red light, we are supposed to reason that from prior evidence this means “Stop” and wait for it to turn green before proceeding.

And every day, we are faced with a multitude of situations where we have to THINK about what is the proper thing to do. Little children have to be taught what is right and wrong which is why their parents have to watch them carefully lest they conduct creative experiments with forks and electrical outlets. But hopefully, as they grow older, they LEARN certain things that will keep them healthy and safe, eventually making them productive members of the community. However, some children do NOT learn these lessons and grow up to be irresponsible adults that cause nothing but grief to their friends and family (and even to the community). Sometimes, as the culture itself changes, it discards the old lessons and teaches new ones; e.g., the degree to which children may sexually experiment has changed radically in my own lifetime. Things which would have been literally “unthinkable” when I was a teenager are now considered “normal” and “acceptable.”

But the point is that we all have certain beliefs about right and wrong and the consequences of our actions that we take for granted. The problem of course, is that if our assumptions are wrong, if they are not true to the way that life really is, then we can make really bad decisions. We routinely see people in our counseling ministry whose lives are in terrible shape, just because the consistently make poor choices; they did not think well about business, personal or family decisions and they made a right, proper mess of things. As a consequence, they lost jobs, had marriages that were failing or were raising little monsters at home. These people at least knew that something was wrong and turned to us for help in putting them back on the right track. Part of the counseling process is teaching them how to THINK differently about the world, to see things more accurately so they can act more wisely. And when they do, they find that a lot of their problems go away; they get promotions at work, their marriage becomes loving and kind, their kids behavior comes under control.

How we think really does affect every other area of life; what we think to be important, unforgivable, what constitutes right and wrong are all based on our basic assumptions. Many people however use their intelligence to justify, rationalize and excuse their bad behavior their pride gets in the way of thinking clearly about what they did and why it did not work. They insist on doing things “their way” and refuse to take advice from others when it differs from what THEY want to do; in other words, it is not so much an intellectual problem but a moral one.

Therefore learning to think, to think well and wisely is essential to making the most of what opportunities and gifts we have. There is a great deal of peace and contentment to be found when we are able to look at a difficult situation and figure out a solution. For example, if your car gets a flat tire on a rainy night, it sure does help if you KNOW where the spare tire is, how to use a jack and wrench! It turns a disaster into a simple inconvenience!

But many people do not want to think especially about why their life is not working out as well as they want; they fill their time with entertainment, gossip, television, music, anything to keep their minds busy so they do not have to THINK about what they are doing or the inevitable consequences. Like a little child hiding under a blanket from the monster in the closet, a lot of adults do not want to face their fears and concerns which means that when the “bad things” do come, they are totally unprepared. As a result, they feel overwhelmed, distraught and they then make even WORSE decisions which leads to even more disasters, depression and despair!

Learning to think begins by simply being willing to spend a little time asking yourself some hard questions who am I, why am I here, what do I want to accomplish in life? You recall that brisk walk we mentioned earlier, the walk so necessary for giving your body a little physical exercise? Well, how about using that time while walking to do a little thinking at the same time? All of us have fears, insecurities, hopes and dreams that we keep safely hidden in the mundane aspects of life. We bury them with work, suppress them with hobbies, ignore them with entertainment, alcohol or whatever but they are still there and they constantly affect how we respond to the world around us. Why do we sometimes get SO upset when someone makes an innocuous comment? It could be that the person has struck a “nerve,” some hidden fear or insecurity in us that we would rather not face. Why do some of our relationships suddenly seem to spiral out of control and end up broken and lost? It could be that we have expectations, desires or goals that we never brought out into the open that conflicted with our friends or family.

By taking some time to actually THINK about life, to “haul out our souls” and take a hard look at what we really believe inside, we actually improve the quality of our life. Sure, sometimes we will find things there that are not so good, not so mature, or not so healthy; but you cannot solve a problem by pretending it does not exist. Sometimes, we need wisdom and guidance from outside ourselves; but the only way to find it is by talking about it, reading something that stimulates the mind and may make us think differently about even the most familiar subjects. Now I appreciate that not everyone is an academic; they do not share the same affection for history, philosophy, and literature that others do. But since our reason is so important to making the best of what we have, EVERYONE needs to learn how to think as well as they can and that means being willing to learn, regardless of age.

Studies have shown that the people most likely to avoid senile dementia are those who are always trying to learn new things; who keep their brains “flexible” by reading and thinking. The more we learn, the more we realize how much there is to life, and how our individual problems “fit” within a greater context; that when something “bad” happens to us, it is not the end of the world. Reading a little about life in the medieval times makes our own challenges and trials not seem quite so arduous. Talking with people who lived though the “Blitz” or the 10 years of rationing after World War II puts our expectations of the “good life” into a slightly, different perspective. It is not that our problems, our interests or our concerns are unimportant; but that others have experienced the same, and often worse but they not only survived, but thrived. Life goes on; the passing of the old only gives opportunities for the new. There is always hope.

Ignorance is not a vice; nobody knows everything. We are all ignorant about one thing or another. But if ignorance is not a vice, it is also not a virtue either. Ever known a person who held strong opinions on a subject that they knew nothing about? Irritating, is it not? So, what subjects are you ignorant about and what are you going to do to flex your brain and learn something new? It can begin as simply as reading a book on some subject of interest and then THINKING about what you are reading. You do not have to have a fancy, expensive formal education to think well; just be willing to spend a little time improving your knowledge of the world, and being humble about your own opinions.

What we have found astounding is that people who begin to read find that every area of their life improves. They often find their own problems not so important, and that they become more interesting people for others to be around. People start to take an interest in them, because they have something to talk about other than people or themselves. Thus, not only are they able to get a sense of perspective about their own problems, trials and difficulties, but by thinking better about life, they become a source of encouragement to others which brings us to this next section:

Interpersonally

Life is about community; of belonging to a greater whole. One of the worst punishments reserved for the most hardened criminals is solitary confinement. During the age of pirates, of all the cruelties wicked men could inflict on each other, marooning a man on a desert island was considered one of the worst. We need others; their friendship, support and encouragement as well as their exhortations, admonishments and even rebukes. The family is supposed to be the foundation of community; and we do not have the time here, or you the interest to discuss how modern culture has destroyed this foundation.

Just let it be said that loneliness is a recurring problem; oh we can be surrounded by a room full of laughing, joking “friends” and still feel utterly isolated that no one really cares that everyone else is having a wonderful time while we suffer in silence. The reality of course is that everyone feels lonely and isolated at times; that others do not always “get you” and that people can seem more concerned about themselves and their problems than they are about yours.

Yet, in many respects, we are defined by the company we keep. The people with whom we associate have a great deal of influence on our beliefs, values and behaviors. Ever felt really good and upbeat only to have a depressing friend, “bring you down?” Ever found yourself doing or saying something that is not really “you” because that is what your friends expected? Whether we like it or not, we derive a great deal of our own self-image from the way that we think other people view us; if they like us we feel great if they do not like us we feel terrible!

However, one of the most common aspects of modern life is that people come into and depart our lives with regrettable frequency. We have today what I have called elsewhere “disposable relationships.” As long as people act the way we want, and treat us the way we want to be treated then everything is fine; but when they say or do something that we do not like, then we “dispose” of the relationship and move on.

This happens frequently to young people dating; they form close emotional relationships only to see them self-destruct - breaking everyone’s heart in the process. Many of us had some sort of trauma with our parents and could not wait until we could leave home for college or work anything to get away from home. Some of us are so afraid of getting hurt by others that we close ourselves off from close intimate relationships keeping people at arm’s length, never letting them get inside and really know us.

And yet, without people who really care about us (and for whom we also care deeply) life itself often becomes drudgery, meaningless; as if all the juice was siphoned out of an orange leaving a dry, tasteless pulp. We need each other; but for the “life” of us we just do not seem to know how to keep people close.

We could write a whole book about this topic (which of course, we did see our web-site) but here, let us just focus on a couple of the most common problems that rob us of rich, meaningful and rewarding relationships. First, most people who are lonely tend to be inherently selfish. They love to talk about themselves, their interests, their problems, their irritations, etc., but they are not quite so good at listening to others. Hence, when a problem occurs (and problems between people ALWAYS happen), they tend to reject and dismiss others, rather than work through the problem and find a solution. It is almost as if they have a pre-set amount of emotional energy they are willing to invest in any relationship; and every problem, disagreement, disappointment or conflict they have uses up some of that investment. Once the limit is reached, the relationship ends and they move on to someone new.

Of course, as they decide over the years to replace one relationship with another, they are building a habit, a pattern of decision making they are becoming a certain kind of person. And one day, they often discover that they have burned through every important person ever to come into their lives. They may find that their parents, their siblings and their school friends no longer even want to be around them. They may find that no one at work wants to be anything except socially civil to them because they have been burned in the past. They may have gone through several husbands or wives over the years and now they are no longer young and attractive enough to interest anyone else.

It all comes down to selfishness of course: all of us tend to think that life revolves around us. This is one of those intellectual fallacies we mentioned earlier. Our lives often become empty and vain just because we think too highly of ourselves. Life of course does not revolve around us and the world does not stop spinning when we are in pain - or even when we die. The secret to building a really good, intimate and lasting relationship is that other people’s problems, trials, interests and concerns are JUST as important as ours; not MORE important but AS important. Everyone has their own gifts, abilities, weaknesses, problems, fears, insecurities, hatreds, loves, interests, goals, ambitions and dreams; all of which makes them the unique individuals they are. And yes, we can say that some of those things can and often are wrong, bad, self-destructive and even evil: but to the individual, they are the substance of their life.

Thinking about other people and sharing their concerns is what makes us into a community. No one person has all that he needs to lead a rich and fulfilled life. That other person’s strength is there for you when you are weak; and your strength is there for their weakness. When people share common goals and objectives, they can accomplish far more working together than if they tried doing it on their own. And the differences between us give life its very richness and “flavor;” just like different colored threads give a tapestry its beauty and complexity.

Granted, the way that most of us will find this rich tapestry of life will be in the family; as we relate to our parents or children, our siblings and our spouses. Time is limited and real lasting relationships are built over a lifetime as people persevere through trials and difficulties, joys and pleasures, pain and suffering. As horrible and sad as some events can be, they can bring people closer and make them more appreciative of the real beauty and joy of life. Of course, adversity can also drive us apart by revealing that inside we are selfish and self-centered, more concerned about our own pain than the pain of others. But then again, that is why this essay was written in the first place; if something bad happens that shakes us to our core, it can be seen as either a disaster or an opportunity the choice is ours.

Adversity can either bring us together or drive a wedge between even the closest of family and friends; it all depends on how we handle it how we think about it- and whether we let our emotions rule our minds. We can be selfish, bitter, critical, nasty and judgmental about others all a way of hiding our own insecurities, fears and anxieties. We can always insist that we were right and everyone else was wrong and destroy a marriage, ruin a family or break with an old friend over something silly and foolish. We can try to protect our pride at any cost and lose the very people that are essential for making this life worth living in the first place the choice is ours.

Or, we can THINK about why we feel so angry, so hurt, so betrayed or so offended and THINK about how the damage can be repaired. Yes, that means being honest and upfront with people, taking responsibility for what WE did wrong without rationalizing, excusing or justifying. Sometimes honestly thinking about a relationship will require realizing that others were not what they promised to be, that they were unworthy of our trust and intimacy and that they do not want to change. But in all my years of counseling, I have amazed at the degree of “hypocrisy” that most people have; and I do not mean that they were intentionally being “two faced” but that they had never in their lives been able to be honest and open with others they were so afraid of losing somebody else’s friendship, respect, admiration or attention that they tried to be something other than what they really were. They tried to play a role that was just beyond their ability and they felt useless, friendless, empty and hurt. All they had to do was to learn to be honest, to be kind, to be gentle with others and to be willing to work through a problem; not avoid it, not suppress it, not break off the relationship because of it just work through it.

And then, as time goes on, the emotional scars build up, such people often develop “calluses” where their heart used to be. Oh, on the outside they may be witty, sarcastic, even the “life of the party” occasionally; but inside they are hurting, lonely and afraid. They may fill their time with activities, parties, work, hobbies or whatever but inside, if not already dead, they are emotionally dying because they have never learned how to love others and as a result, they are not experiencing love themselves.

Becoming “other oriented” is not easy; in many respects it actually goes against human nature while at the same time being the very thing that makes us truly human and life truly worth living. Something has to change us inside, if we are going to be able to rise above our own fears, concerns, frailties, insecurities, and character faults. The solution I am afraid is not that we should “love one another” for that is the very problem; we so often do NOT love others. To solve this one, we need to think completely outside ourselves and look to something greater than our own hopes and dreams.

Spiritually; the search for the “other”

As we have noted, we are more than just animals constrained by unthinking instinct; we think, we feel, we have aspirations, goals and dreams. From the very dawn of human history, men have recognized that we also have a “spiritual” component as well; that life itself has no answers unless we look beyond this world. No matter how successful, rich, attractive or popular we may be in this life (and let us be honest here, most of us are not terribly successful, rich or all that attractive), eventually, death haunts every one of us. We WILL die; and those we love will also die. Normally our parents die before we do and hopefully we will die before our children.

But in the end, we all die; and that makes everything in this life ultimately futile and meaningless UNLESS there is something “outside” of the physical creation. I suspect that the epidemic of “angst” so common today is just because most people in the Western world reject the idea of the Spiritual and focus instead on the physical. After all, since World War II the average person has enjoyed the highest standard of living in human history. We have food and entertainment available to us today that our ancestors could not even imagine. We have such a wide variety of possible careers to choose from that many people find it hard to ever settle into one job. Because we tend to live in much larger communities today than ever before in history, we have potentially a practically unlimited number of people that we might one day marry; which makes commitment to our current partner difficult because, who knows, we just might meet someone better tomorrow!

And yet, with all this wealth and luxury and ease and possibilities, many people are very unhappy with their lives something seems to be missing. We eat and drink and make merry; but it does not satisfy, it does not seem meaningful. One of the dangers of taking that daily walk and thinking about our life is that when we do, these nasty little questions keep poking up and demanding some answers. And of course, that could be just why so many of us try to avoid just these kinds of things.

Life, with all its pain, turmoil, adversity and suffering only makes sense if there is Someone behind it all; Someone who has a plan for us that does not end when this life is over. For no matter how much we want to deny it, to hide from it, our life WILL be over and sooner than we like to think. And if there is no “Someone” out there, Someone who actually loves us, then this life makes no sense at all. Without “Him” we are simply animals; and all our hopes and dreams and aspirations nothing more than the accidental by products of those brain chemicals we discussed earlier. Love would be just a mechanism to facilitate reproduction.

But if “He” is there; then life suddenly has meaning. Granted, we may not understand that meaning because after all, “He” would be infinitely wiser than we are and therefore “His” ways would be beyond our comprehension. But if “He” is there, “He” would not be silent; “He” would have told us the things we NEEDED to know (not necessarily the same thing as what we WANTED to know) to live this life in such a way that we find the love, the joy and the meaning that “He” intended.

And that of course is the origin of this essay; all the things we have talked about here are summaries of various Biblical principles of how to live the richest, most rewarding and contented life possible. From Genesis through Revelation, God spoke to us about life; why there is death, disease and unhappiness in the world. Throughout the Bible He warns us of a way that seems wise to us, but whose end is death and despair. A lot of people doubt the existence of God because of sin and evil in the world; and their doubts might have some value IF God did not deal with those things; but of course, the Bible clearly tells us what God has done about sin and death and the promise of life everlasting to those who call on His name. No, the problem is not the existence of pain and death; it is that men, from the beginning have rejected God’s warning and insisted that they know better then He does.

The promise of the Christian gospel (i.e., “good news”) is that God loved us so much, that He gave His only begotten Son to live and die in our place; that when we were incapable of saving ourselves, He saved us and is preparing a future for us where every tear is dried, where the dead arise to life everlasting. Furthermore, when He saves us, He changes us inside, giving us His own Holy Spirit to indwell and fill us, giving us power to rise above our sins and frailties so that we can live THIS life is a way that glorifies His name. Jesus said, “I came that men might have life; and have it abundantly.” The Christian life is not one of deprivation, forsaking pleasure but rather one of joy and contentment that comes from learning how to live on God’s terms, rather than our own. It is a life where each person has a unique place and calling but is also a vital member of a larger community; a community that stretches back in time to Adam and reaches forward in time to when Jesus returns at the end of the world.

And in the meantime, He gives us food for our bodies, and ideas for our minds. He gives us grace to rise above our feelings and binds us to others in the closest, most intimate and loving relationships we can enjoy this side of eternity. And no, He does not promise to spare us from pain, disease or death; just promises us grace and provision to endure through them, to learn from them and one day rise above them.

Do you want to get your life in order” Well, you have to begin where all the problems began. At the beginning of time, Man thought he was wiser than God; that he did not have to life according to God’s ways but could figure it out all by himself. As a result, he brought sin and death into the world; the very sin and death that make life so miserable, meaningless and futile. But since God created all things good, He would not allow our sin to destroy His perfect work of creation. He chose to redeem it, to restore to it what our sin and disobedience had taken from it. And His means of doing so was through Jesus; Jesus who loved us so much that He laid aside the glories of heaven to dwell among us who suffered and died for us so that we might be forgiven and reconciled with God. And though life still has pains, disappointments, and failures, He is working inside those who call upon Him to perfect them, to change them and to change the world around them.

And one day, perhaps far in the future, even though we as individuals may be long forgotten on this earth and our physical bodies turned back to the dust from which they were formed, God will bring about the end of all things. This world will be judged, the dead will be raised; and then, our real life will begin. This life, for all its joys and pleasures, for all its pains and troubles, is just a picture, an image, a shadow of the life which is to come. Our real life begins when our bodies are resurrected, our spirits fully renewed and where we dwell with Him and one another, forever. That life is so wondrous, so marvelous, so incredible, that we have no words in any human language to describe it. But we know that perfect justice will be done, that all our pains will be forgotten and that our deepest dreams will be fulfilled.

So, how do we get our life REALLY in order? We begin by submitting to the God Who created us, who loved us and told us how to live. We trust in His wisdom, His guidance and His eternal principles. We draw upon His infinite power to conquer our fears and insecurities, our sins and transgressions and learn how to live a new kind of life. Once the spirit has been renewed, the body, the mind, the emotions and everything else are renewed as well. So take a walk, think some thoughts, ask yourself some hard questions and discover the answers that have always been there, waiting for you to find them. It will bring order to your life, peace to your soul and give you a future and a hope.

Brian M. Abshire, February, 2009