Or, How Not to Die Friendless and Alone Because Nobody Can Stand Getting Close to You

OK, two quick admissions; the first being that I blatantly filed the serial numbers off the title of a book I never read for the title of this chapter. Therefore for those chuckling at the sheer outrageousness of the above; thank him, not me (and for those outraged by the humor, blame HIM, not me!). The second is that when I began the first draft of this chapter it was intended to be a sober discussion of a serious issue. While you can still find some remnants of that serious study, in the end I found that I was running out of time, was in a bad mood, and that my deadline just happened to coincide with one of those weeks when I did not like people very much.

You see the problem (at least from my perspective) is that though all of us NEED warm, loving, intimate relationships, the sad reality is that we are all a bunch of nasty, horrible sinners with an innate selfish orientation that often destroys the very pre-requisites for emotional and psychological intimacy. Add to this that all men, in all ages, can always rationalize, justify or excuse their own behavior; therefore even the “nicest” people can have hidden agendas- agendas that usually do not become apparent until you do something to annoy, disappoint or threaten them some way (whether you intended to or not). My own personal experience, limited though it may be, is that everyone wants something from everyone; and that Christians have developed an arsenal of psychological techniques (e.g., aggression, guile, flattery, manipulation, slander, gossip, etc.) to justify themselves when they try to get others to do what they want; or pay them back when they won’t. Apparently, having honest, open and trusting relationships is like seeing Bigfoot: something a lot of people believe in, but few have ever, personally experienced.

Am I being cynical and caustic? Perhaps so, but it seems that far too many of the brethren are perfectly contented in leading an “unexamined life.” By that I mean, whether they lack the ability, or the interest, most people generally do not honestly look at why they do what they do. Instead of testing their motivations, examining the attitudes and seeking to bring their inner life into conformity with God’s unchanging standards, they use their reason to justify and excuse whatever it was they said or did. Sometimes, even if they DID try to look at their motivations, they would still be clueless; they don’t know, and often, they don’t care, about the “why:” they just “feel” a certain way and then act and then justify themselves after the fact. And, if you somehow threaten that “hidden agenda,” then even your “BFF” will turn on you in a heartbeat. At best, you can lose friends, even family members because their pride was hurt and they want to hurt you back. At worst, you can make serious enemies who will actively seek to destroy you, personally or professionally for no other reason than you made them feel “bad” about themselves.

Just think with me; one person accuses another of being “arrogant.” But is the other person actually arrogant - or does that person’s confidence and success make the first guy envious perhaps because of his own underlying insecurity or personal failures? Or how about this one: there are people you just do not like therefore, when you hear something negative about them, you quickly BELIEVE the accusations and even pass them on, without even considering talking to the accused and hearing their side of the story? Studies and surveys have been done now for fifty years that demonstrate how our attitudes towards others affect how we evaluate information about them. When we like them, we dismiss or discount any negative reports; if we are negatively disposed towards them, we tend to embrace those reports, even if they are outrageous. But at heart is the issue of “Why?” Why do we respond so negatively to some people without any real reason? It could be that our “gut” is telling us something that our rational mind has not yet figured out; but it is also highly possible that something about the other person, their dress, appearance, manners, or whatever, is reacting with our own inner fears, foibles, insecurities, and jealousies. But to admit that we would have to face things that we would rather keep safely hidden; so for a lot of people, it is cognitively easier just to blame the other person, and then use our minds to justify why that person is “no good” rather than admit the nasty little truth about ourselves. As they say, apparently, “Denial” is not just a river in Egypt

Christians obviously SHOULD be better than this; but I am not sure that is as true as it ought to be. To the contrary, the average believer is most adept at self-deception, finding all sorts of high sounding spiritual reasons to justify their actions; even the most reprehensible ones. They can often find the most bizarre rationalizations why it is perfectly acceptable to hold bitterness, unlawfully accuse, criticize, gossip and slander, back-bite; even lie under oath, when it suits their purposes to do so.

So what is my point? Well, the more emotionally open and vulnerable you become with others, the easier it is for sinful men to use that information against you when they want to hurt you. If you cannot be honest with others, then you cannot be emotionally intimate with them, hence cutting you off from one of the most important aspects of living a joyous, peaceful and rewarding life. Yet, we have all learned, some from a very young age, that being open and intimate with others is a sure fire recipe for emotional scarring; people hurt us, all the time. And many of us, like wounded children, nurse those hurts, picking at the emotional scabs so that they never quite heal. And some of us, like certain types of children who scream and flounder at the smallest bump, never seem to get over the pain. We then develop emotional “calluses” to protect ourselves from being hurt again in the future.

For example, some of us become aggressive and strike out at others, before they can strike out at us. Others become desperate for attention and affection, like a whipped dog, cowering before any threat and begging to be petted. Some of us learn how to play mind games with others, using and abusing others to get what we want. The particular strategy is not as important as the underlying motivation; the sinful human goal is to unlawfully control others while protecting our own pride at any cost; even if the cost is the very intimacy that is fundamental to a healthy, Biblical way of life.

Now, apart from appearing to be a dark assessment of human relationships, what can we do about the little brat living inside us, screaming for attention? Well, first, as the exploitive (and plagiarized) title suggests; let’s get rid of the immaturity and childishness that is so common and start acting like responsible adults. A spoiled child thinks the world revolves around him, the adult knows better; or at least SHOULD know better and therefore ought to treat people better. Thus, we can start the “healing” by at least learning to take a peek at what is going on inside, recognizing the little monster for what he is, and then taking the appropriate actions God requires.

I can almost hear the objections from some of the brethren here; after all, before the psycho-babblers started insisting that we all had to be “touchy-feely” with each other, did the great thinkers of the CHurch even discuss such things? Are we not at risk of allowing the self-indulgence of modern humanist pop psychology to reinterpret our Faith? The question is a valid one; and deserves a much better development than what we can provide here. However, as mentioned previously, the short answer is that the questions we ask have a great deal to do with the kinds of answer we receive. While God’s principles never change, the questions we ask often do. Therefore, every generation has to go back to first principles and so we can both construct a reasonable, Biblical paradigm of the world, as He created it - as well as subject our own beliefs, assumptions and presuppositions to His inerrant Word.

In this case, we start at the very beginning: God created the heavens and earth to reflect His glory; to reveal Himself. He did not have to do this; our God is the great “I Am” the “Self-Existent One” Who depends on no one, and no thing for His own Being. Thus, He did not NEED to create; but He chose to reveal Himself through creation. Therefore, every aspect of the physical universe in some way reflects or reveals something about God and His nature.

Man, as the supreme image bearer in creation, is the clearest reflection of His nature and Being. Everything about us was intended to say something about God. It is significant that in Genesis chapter two, when God creates the Man, for the first time He looks at His creation and says, “It is not good for the Man to be alone.” By “not good” God probably meant that Man by himself, was incomplete; and hence, God created the Woman as a companion, a “help-meet.”

At least one of the reasons why God created Man “male and female” was that this difference between the sexes represents, reflects, and mirrors something inherent within God Himself; He is One God in Three Persons. Each of the Persons has all the honor, majesty, power and glory of God (yet there are not three Gods, but One). The Father loved the Son BEFORE there was a heaven or earth; because God is outside of time, He has always loved the Son and the Son has always loved the Father. Thus, God had a perfect relationship, based on love while also having distinct roles between the various members of the Trinity; traits that we as created beings ought to expect to see reflected in our own lives.

The “mystery” of the Trinity is at the heart of the Christian faith. Since we are finite creatures, we will never (at least on this side of Eternity) be able to fully comprehend this mystery; but in Christian marriage we have a wonderful picture of it; the Man and Woman are equals in glory and honor, yet distinct in purpose and function. The two are to become “one flesh” which surely is more than just a quaint euphemism for sexual activity. Both “need” the other to be complete; Man needs a helper, suitable for him to fulfill his dominion duties to be fruitful, multiply and subdue the earth to the glory of God. Furthermore, unlike every other creative act, God made the Woman from the Man, showing both their inherent unity, as well as their distinction from one another.

Now, what does all this have to do with the issue of “emotional intimacy?” Well, we humans are NOT self-existent; we are not independent. We need other people. Just as the Father loves the Son perfectly and relates to Him perfectly, we were created to reflect that same intimate, loving relationship in our relationships with one another. Of course, it began in marriage, but if sin had not entered the world it would have extended to the entire family and then to the broader community. Men need to work together in family, church and state to exercize dominion over the creation. It is significant that the first consequence of sin was that Adam and Eve became ashamed and tried to cover their nakedness; they had lost something when they ate of the forbidden fruit. Furthermore, when they bring children into the world, one son envies, hates and eventually murders the other.

But this is not the way it was intended to be; we were created to live together in love, understanding and kindness, where we could be open and honest with each other, helping one another fulfill our individual dominion callings. Even though inside, sin twists and distorts every aspect of our being, we all still desire and “need” that closeness, intimacy and relationship that marriage, children, family and friends were intended to fulfill.

Intimacy is simply being close to others; knowing that we can trust them, be ourselves with them, “warts and all.” The problem of course, is that as we mentioned, because of the pervasive corruption of sin, whenever we allow other people to get “inside” and really know us, we also risk them learning things about us that we would rather keep hidden. All of us have many “faces” that we show to the world, the “person” we would like others to believe we are as opposed to the person we really are. However, we also all fall short of the glory of God; and though the specifics may vary, all of us share the same fundamental problem: because of Adam’s sin, we all want to be little “gods” and have the world revolve around us, our interests, goals, ambitions and, yes, our pride. Anything that threatens that essentially selfish orientation incites us to respond in various sinful ways.

For example, it is perfectly “natural” to hurt those who hurt us; to return “evil for evil.” If others treat us rudely, then it is “normal” to be rude in return. Oh, social conditioning and individual personalities may influence HOW we respond; “nice” people may simply “seethe” inside when insulted as opposed to those who may respond with a “holy punch in the throat” but the innate response is to give back, what has been given.

And again, while in our terms this is almost always selfish and sinful, it stems from God’s own nature; His “natural” response to sin is judgment. However, what is right, good and proper with Him is not always right for us. Yes, there are times when someone has wronged us and we have a right to seek some sort of redress; the thief who steals from us, the false witness who slanders us, the bully who strikes us, etc. God has provided us the appropriate means of dealing with these kinds of sins; He has authorized both civil and ecclesiastical courts to adjudicate disputes and grievances (e.g., 1 Cor 6:1ff, Rms 12:4). He even provides us with case law examples of the kind of restitution that can be made, “An eye for an eye” or “four fold restitution” for theft, etc.

However, He has also forbidden private vengeance (Rms 12:17ff); which is exactly what most of us want, deep down inside. Because of sin, we think we are little gods, and therefore do not not want to submit to the adjudication of these courts (at least, unless we unlawfully control them). Instead, the “natural” response is to hurt others as we have been hurt. Thus, we often bicker, argue and hurl accusations against one another (Jas 4:1ff). Rather than going to an objective third party (a “court”), we tell our friends who if they want to remain our friends, better side with us, regardless of whether we were right or not. If we get no satisfaction, we either become bitter, full of malice, waiting for an opportunity to strike back or we sulk, become depressed and whine about our situation. And all of these sinful responses not only hurt others (as we think we have been hurt) but drive us apart, destroying any hope of intimacy.

While it is bad enough when we have been grievously wronged by another, often, too often, the offense is not that someone stole from us, bore false witness against us or even struck us; they simply said or did something that we found annoying, offensive or threatening to our pride. Sometimes the person may not even have known they offended us; but we still hold them accountable and we want vengeance.

Now, as an aside, not all people will “naturally” like everyone else. There are some people we tend to “like” and others that just leave us cold. It may not be a moral issue; it could be nothing more serious than that we just do not share the same things in common. Not everyone is going to be “best friends” with everyone else. In so far as it goes, there is nothing inherently wrong with this. For example, husband and wife are supposed to have a physical and emotional intimacy that by its very nature is exclusive to them. Hence, not EVERY relationship can or will be an emotionally close and intimate one.

This is just another implication of God’s creation; even in a perfect world where there was no sin, because we are limited as individuals we could never be as close with some people, as we are with others. First, there just would not be enough time or opportunity to develop such intimate relationships with EVERYONE in the world. For example, who we are all greatly influenced by our environment growing up, especially the influence of our family and friends at a young age. Thus, you have “history” with some people that others simply cannot share. I am sure you have had friends who had other long time friends. It can be a bit awkward when they get together and talk about “old times.” They can laugh and joke (or commiserate) about their experiences; experiences that you were not around to participate in and you probably felt a bit left out. Good friends of course, will take YOUR position into consideration and include you however, sometimes they do not.

The point here is that there is nothing necessarily wrong with THEIR relationship overshadowing YOUR relationship for a bit; people have a right to enjoy shared memories (even the painful ones). The problem comes in when the “inner brat” become jealous, envious and somehow feels that he is being excluded; and of course, some people are selfish and self-centered and actually enjoy excluding others because it makes them feel “special.” Now is the time to ready your inner child for the recommended “well-chucking;” you can fume, give in to jealousy, whine for attention or threaten to take your marbles and go home. Or, you can be an adult; you can realize that this person knew people before they knew you; they had a life and have a right to enjoy the memories of it. You can stop thinking about your own insecurities and instead, think about what you can do to encourage, love and help the other person.

And if your friend IS actually neglecting you, putting you on the back burner or taking you for granted; then you can also be an adult by lovingly, gently and understandingly talk to them about it at the proper time. Or you can let your inner brat drive you crazy, get all offended and eat a gallon of ice cream to shut him up while you talk to OTHER friends and whine and cry and complain your call.

Now as I write the above I realize that many “manly men” will accuse me of going all girly and the like here; after all, men talk about THINGS while women are obsessed with talking about their feelings. Manly men will drink a beer together, make bodily noises, scratch and say that they do not care one wit about “relationships.” I beg to disagree; their “inner child” may not be some wimpy sissie-boy who goes crying home to Mommy when his feelings get hurt; he may instead become aggressive, insulting, or even threatening when facing the above types of situations even though he may not want to talk about it, he is still letting his “inner brat” run his life.

Granted, generally speaking and with all due exceptions noted, most men do not naturally enjoy talking about their “feelings” nor is there any Biblical reason why they should do so. If two guys are talking and one wants to discuss their “relationship” the other one would most likely respond by first giving him an atomic wedgie, and then taking his milk money. For what it is worth, I suspect that Women, created for a relational role, just “naturally” are more inclined to find relationships central to their wellbeing; and hence need to talk about them. Men, on the other hand, created primarily for dominion, find it more “natural” to talk work, hobbies and the like. Granted, not every one fits neatly into these two categories, but as a general observation, it tends to hold up.

Men quite often find camaraderie in shared goals; two men working on a difficult project can spend hours together saying nothing more than “pass the wrench” or “want another beer” and at the end of the day, consider each other “best buds.” Thus, having and maintaining good, Biblical relationships, even being open and vulnerable with other men does not mean they have to act like women; women who want to talk and Talk and TALK about their feelings. However, the unspoken dynamic is still valid for men; for us, our inner “child” is often a competitive little brat who demands to be the one, who hits the ball the furthest, runs the fastest and can beat up everyone else on the playground or who drives the fastest car, makes the most money or owns the nicest toys!

Again, competition between men is not necessarily a bad thing; iron sharpens iron after all (Pvbs 27:17) and a good friend is one who encourages and stimulates you to become better than you are. For example, if you want to lose weight, hang out with athletic, slim people; they will help you get out of your armchair and get some needed exercise. Want to be smarter then associate with smart people people who read and think and discuss what they have learned.

However, our inner brat does not like competition; at least ones not stacked in his favor. So instead of being humble and willing to learn, we often find a group of friends where we can look good sometimes because the “competition” is subpar. And again, all that time and effort is wasted on protecting our pride, rather than on actually becoming the kind of people God wants us to be.

Maybe I am just getting old and tired, but somewhere along the past fifty years or so I began to recognize that there were profound differences between what I wanted to be, what I wanted others to see me as and what I really was. An important element of growing up is learning how the real world actually works and how YOU, as an individual fit into that world. The inner brat is often insecure, frightened and fumbling for his place in life; hence part of the reason why he responds so irrationally at times. The mature man however, knows like Solomon, that most of what we strive to obtain is just so much “grasping after the wind.” All the shiny toys that the child thinks so important are in reality, just distractions. What is really important in life is not the money you make, the positions you obtain or even achievements you accomplish; it is in fearing God and keeping His commandments.

What has all of this to do with emotional intimacy? Well, the man who knows what is truly important can rise above the inner brat and do what is right, because it is right. He is no longer a slave to his feelings, especially the sinful ones. Instead, he lives life based on the unchanging principles of God’s Word. He knows that he has nothing to be proud about; what the world thinks is so important is just so much “vanity.” Therefore since everything he possesses that is really important (and eternal) is a gift of God’s grace, he can loosen up, forget about his pride, and focus on what God thinks is important.

And as a direct result, he becomes the kind of person that others WANT to be around; at least the “right” kind of person. He does not have to be the tallest, the handsomest, the richest or the most successful; just a man who knows what is right and does it. He does not have to win every argument, or roll over in every conflict; he just does what God requires and as a result, eventually, he will find that though he is not very popular with SOME people, he “fits” quite nicely with others; the kind of people that at heart, we all would like to hang out with. Furthermore, when the godly man blows it, he takes responsibility, he does not excuse, rationalize or justify; he just confesses and repents. The “right” kind of people LIKE that sort of person, they want to be friends with him; to be close to them.

Intimacy, like love, is not found by seeking it; instead it is realized by giving it. As long as we allow the inner brat to rule our lives, we will have to keep other people at a distance; like a child who hogs all the toys even though he does not necessarily want to play with them, he is afraid that he will lose something precious if he allows anyone else to touch them. The mature man however, knows that God is always in control; that life must be lived on His terms and since one of those terms is “love one another as I have loved you” he can afford to share; he looses nothing. He does not have to play emotional mind games, justify his sin, or belittle others to make himself look better by comparison, because he trusts God.

The Apostle Paul summed it up brilliantly; “Do not look out merely for your own interest, but also for the interests of others” (Phil 2:1ff). Paul could say this because he was modeling our relationships on the way that Jesus loved us. In this same passage, he reminds the Philippians that Jesus did not think of His own glory or power but laid them aside, become a man and sacrificed Himself for us. Therefore if we are truly His servants, we must do the same for one another. This is one of the true marks of Christian maturity; to be able to live in love by doing what is right, good and proper for others, regardless of cost, BECAUSE we trust in Christ.

And as a result of trusting God, the godly man can give, rather than get. And the more he gives, the more other people learn to trust him, to be open with him, to depend on him, just as he learns how to trust and depend on others. Rather than competitors, he has allies, team mates, “friends” not just associates, fishing buddies, or co-workers he belongs because he contributes. He is not just out for himself (or the frightened little child inside) but for something greater and more wonderful; to fear God and keep His commands.

Sadly most Christians do not seem to “get it” here; they are way too satisfied with far too little. Even the one relationship that is supposed to be the most intimate, their marriage, is often distorted by that same inner brat, whining and complaining, bullying and running away; all while screaming, “I am special!” Husband and wife are often at odds with each other, holding bitterness or being unreasonably jealous because their inner child demands to be the center of their spouse’s life. Because they do not resolve their inevitable problems properly, and seek to meet the other’s needs, they grow lonely, depressed and bitter. Their relationship is often based on competition, rather than cooperation; they fight over money, sex, vacations, how to raise the kids and it is not so much about what is right or wrong, but who is right or wrong!

The problem is not so much that “My wife does not understand me” or “My husband won’t talk to me” as it is “My spouse won’t let my inner brat run the relationship.” Essentially, couples have problems because they have not thrown their individual little monsters down the well and left them there. Instead of being honest, open and kind to one another, their own selfish, sinful orientation is to demand what they want, when they want it; and as a result, they undermine the very relationship that God said was necessary to live this life as He created it.

The key to a successful marriage or a rewarding, fulfilling relationship is not “communication;” after all, the mugger pointing a gun in your face is communicating his expectations powerfully and effectively. No, it is recognizing the inner brat in all of us and not letting him terrorize the entire household it is learning that you are not the center of the universe, that life does not revolve around your feelings, desires and goals. Instead, it is discovering how to trust God, keep His commands, and love other people especially when they are unlovable!

As we stop listening to the inner brat and instead, learn how to live responsibly before God, it inevitably takes down barriers, removes calluses and gives us the kinds of relationships that we all desperately want and need. The Apostle John said, “perfect love casts out fear” and though there are a number of implications to this verse, surely at least one of them is that the more we love God and trust Him, the less we have to fear from others and if we do not fear, then we can live confidently and intimately.

And guess what; this will not change the nature of men. People will still annoy you, disappoint you, and even intentionally hurt you. But those who rest on God’s promises can take the hurt. The entire purpose of Peter’s first letter was to encourage Christians going through intense persecution and suffering. He does not minimize the pain; it was real and it HURTS! But the pain was not something to be feared; something the inner brat does not understand. The pain is there for a reason; God is always in control. His love is certain and everything that happens, happens for a reason His glory.

So therefore we can do what is right, regardless of what others say or do, or how they treat us, or whether they think we are “special.” We can do what is right because we fear God and keep His commandments. And as we fear God, we learn how not to fear men; whether physically, or emotionally. We learn how to enjoy each person for the image of God remaining in them. We discover that though others may hurt us or disappoint us, that God will never do either. We can do what is right, because His Holy Spirit indwells and fills us with His grace, goodness and love.

And in the end, we will find that we can be honest with others, open and vulnerable, never fearing that they might discover we are not perfect. Of course this will require humility, grace, kindness and mercy; there is no room for Pharisees, hypocrites or legalists in God’s family. But for those who trust God, there is righteousness, peace and joy. And really, is that not a far better way to live than giving in to the brat. Go ahead, chuck him down the well; trust me, he’ll crawl right back out sooner than you think