Proverbs on Resolving Conflicts

Let us be honest; it does not always take two to break a relationship. Sometimes, no matter how committed we may be to loving another, some people are just hard to get along with. At other times, we may well find ourselves sincerely on the other side of a moral or theological issue from our brother. There are many occasions when because we are all limited human beings, with limited understanding, two people can find themselves at odds because in their OWN eyes, both may be right. There are occasions when we may say something, or do something that someone else finds extremely offensive and as a result they are angered against us. And of course, never underestimate the capacity of Christians to disguise wounded pride with lofty motives and so come into conflict with one another.

Conflicts have been eating at the Christian Church since the time of the Lord Jesus (remember John and James angling for power?). This should not surprise us since none of us have yet been perfected; therefore all of us will sin against God and each other. These conflicts are often cited as the cause of disruptions in the church, the break down of marriages and the loss of meaningful friendships. But allow me to suggest an alternative; it is not the conflict that causes the problem, it is the way we HANDLE those conflicts that destroy relationships. Nobody LIKES a conflict and all of us would like them to go away; but the sad fact is that there will always be conflicts of one type or another until the resurrection where all sinned has been purged from Creation.

God clearly gives many practical principles for dealing with conflicts. Therefore, if conflicts cause so much damage within the Christian community, perhaps it is time to take a long, hard look at the methods we normally use and subject them to careful scrutiny. There may well be certain things we are doing wrong, or not doing at all that is really ripping us apart.

For example, many Christians today do not understand the role that church courts are supposed to have in helping God’s people resolve conflicts. We find clear evidence of this role in 1 Corinthians 6 where the Apostle Paul severely rebukes the church for taking their disputes to the civil magistrate, instead of adjudicating the problems themselves. This concept itself is nothing new; all of Old Testament Israel was to be governed by ascending courts of judges whose duty was to help resolve conflicts (see Exodus Deut ).

Many Christians today do not understand the role of the judges; because we usually read about them as military leaders driving out foreign invaders, we forget about what a judge did during times of peace. They did not “rule” as we think of ruling today; as a King or Dictator issuing orders; they “judged.” They “judged” by applying the Law of God to various disputes and conflicts showing who was right, who was wrong, and what actions needed to be taken to resolve the problem. The “elders” of Israel were judges appointed over every ten households (and over 50 and 100, etc.). These men were not petty little tyrants running people’s lives, but were godly individuals, elected from the congregation of Israel, ordained by Moses (and presumably by other elders once Moses died) who helped people settle their conflicts wisely and justly.

The church adopted this form of government for herself during the New Testament era. Every ten households had an elder, whose job was to “govern” the church. And, as 1 Corinthians 6:1ff shows, one way they “ruled” the church was to help people work through problems when they came up. The indictment of the Apostle Paul was that neither the elders in the Corinthian church, nor the people were using these “courts” wisely bringing shame on the gospel. One interesting historical note here; in the fourth century, as the Roman Empire was collapsing, one of ways that the church evangelized the Empire was by providing courts to settle disputes. The Roman courts were corrupt; whoever paid the highest bribe won their case. But in Christian courts, bribes were refused, and God’s law was applied to various situations demonstrating the superiority of God’s ways over Man’s (cf. Deut 4:6). As a result, people turned more and more to the Church just because she offered them justice.

Thus, ideally, when we have a conflict with a brother, and we can not settle the problem between us, we ought to be able to go before an impartial church court, governed by wise and compassionate elders, who ought to help us resolve our conflict appropriately. But there is a problem. Sadly, not all of us have good churches or good elders. As mentioned, the very concept of a church court helping us work through conflicts is widely forgotten today. Even those churches that DO have such courts do not always use them wisely and appropriately. Many pastors and elders hate the thought of getting involved in personal disputes because they know they risk being slandered and attacked if things do not turn out the way certain people want them to. If the elders get involved and try to help people, they risk splitting their church because gossip and slander are so rife, many people will already have taken sides on the issue.

There is a “vicious cycle” in operation that works to undermine the peace and purity of the church of Jesus Christ; a cycle that cuts across denominational lines or theological perspectives. Good church government is predicated on good self-government. But you cannot have good self-government if you have bad church government. If the church does not teach the truth, and hold people accountable to apply the truth, then the individual Christian will not grow. But if the individual Christian does not want to obey God, he will call teachers after his own heart (2 Tim 4:3). Thus if our churches are not doing what they are supposed to be doing in helping the people of God work through conflicts, it could be that the real, underlying cause is that we Christians do not want to do what we are supposed to do. In other words, if we want to be like the fool in Proverbs, refusing correction and insisting on handling things OUR way, rather than God’s we will seek out churches and fellowships that will let us do so. And that just may do much to explain the factions, back-biting, coldness of so many evangelical churches today.

The solution of course is simple and straight-forward; as individual Christians every one us needs to do some sincere soul-searching before God and take an honest look at what is really motivating us. If we are NOT committed to making God’s principles, statutes, commandments and judgments work in our personal and family life, then we should not be surprised when they do not work in our churches. And if we are not committed to making them work in our own lives and in the church, God will never give His blessing to our efforts in the world. The average church suffers the worst sorts of bruised egos, incessant bickering, vicious back stabbing, petty politicking and malicious infighting because they refuse to handle their problems Biblically. Judgment begins with the household of God. We have to clean up our own acts, and we have to start now.

Thus, the beginning place is in our own lives. Therefore, the following principles from the book of Proverbs are offered as a primer on resolving conflicts Biblically. If we as individuals understand and apply these principles, we can encourage our elders to do the same. But of course, you may not have a church court (or if you have one, they still might not want to get involved with YOUR problems). However, you and I are still accountable before God for the way we handle our conflicts. Though these principles are not intended to be the last word on this issue, they do provide a first step in learning how to deal with other according to Biblical criteria. Conflicts will happen because imperfect men live in an imperfect world. Again, at the risk of being repetitious; the issue is not so much that conflicts occur, but whether we handle them according to God’s commands.

First, whenever in a conflict situation, we need to remember Proverbs 28:26; “He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but he who walks wisely will be delivered.” Our hearts are deceitful and desperately wicked (Jer 17:9). There is a “natural” tendency to blame others for the problem (going all the way back to Adam in the Garden). Some of us seem to have a pathological need to be right and use every trick in the lawyer’s handbook to convince others and ourselves that “I’ve been wronged!” But our hearts will deceive us. Often, the situation is not as clear cut as we think it is. Usually, the other side has a point. And if we let the anger and hurt cool down for a bit, and do a little honest analysis of the situation, we will see that point. In fact, Philippians 2:1ff actually requires us to see things from his perspective, “do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.” God is not joking here when He speaks through the Apostle Paul. The Philippians were tearing their church apart because of conflicts; regardless of who was right and who was wrong, they were all in sin because they were putting their own interests ahead of each other. Since Jesus laid aside His own divine prerogatives, and humbled himself to become our servant, even dying in our place, WE are supposed to do the same for each other. And therefore, rather than just being concerned about proving that we were right and they were wrong, we need to stand back and start thinking about our brother’s point of view.

And besides, is being “right” really all that important? What benefit to win an argument here, only to be judged by God in eternity? Proverbs 21:2 “Every man’s way is right in his own eyes, but the LORD weighs the hearts.” Simply because we think we are right, doesn’t mean we are right. One of the temptations that very bright people have is the tendency to use their intelligence, education and rhetorical abilities to justify themselves. They think so much faster than we do, they are so better at articulating the “rightness” of their position that they can win every argument. But you can win the argument, and lose a relationship in the process. God is the final judge. Such people may well win the debate here with their less gifted brothers, but they will still have to give an account before God on day. Sure, we all THINK we are right; but without a humble heart before God, we just might be deceiving ourselves.

And what if we are right, but we have the wrong attitude? What if we are more concerned with preserving our pride than standing for the truth? What folly to lose God’s blessing by being right, but in the wrong way, with the wrong attitude (1 Cor 8:1ff)? Therefore Christians need to develop a gentle and contrite heart, open to rebuke and criticism from others, lest we harden ourselves to the Spirit’s conviction. Isaiah 66:2 says “But to this one I will look, to him who is humble and contrite of spirit, and who trembles at My word.” I would suggest that most destructive conflicts occur because one or both of the parties is neither contrite nor humble. They do not want to admit they are wrong because their pride is really what is most important to them. And that foolish pride often leads to broken relationships.

A second principle of resolving conflicts biblically comes from Proverbs 3:3 “Do not let kindness and truth leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good repute in the sight of God and man.” Both kindness and truth are important; the two go together. Sadly in this age when truth is so regularly compromised, one is usually either “kind” or “truthful.” If we stand for the truth, people will accuse us of being arrogant and divisive; but if we are “kind” then we have to compromise the truth, otherwise it will offend people. This is an unbiblical dichotomy. Kindness is the setting by which the beauty of truth is displayed. Proverbs 25:11-12 “Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances. Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold is a wise reprover to a listening ear.” Notice the result, “favor and good repute.” Sometimes, when we run into opposition, especially when standing for the truth, the cause might not have been the truth, but our lack of kindness. We’re right, we know we’re right and we darn well want everyone else to know we’re right! (There is that pride problem again!)

And we really do not care what effect that has on others. Thus sometimes, perhaps it is not our stand that gets us into trouble, but the lack of kindness in the way we take that stand. If someone knows that our intention is to love them, support them, assist them, come along side and help them, if we have demonstrated repeatedly a humble spirit in our relations with them by serving them (Mark 10:45) and putting their interests before our own (Phil 2:1ff); then they are more likely to receive correction when necessary. There is never an excuse for being bitter, scathing, short-tempered, harsh or nasty with each other. It’s sin. But what most commonly happens when we have a conflict with someone, even if we are “right?” We are arrogant towards our brother, contemptuous of his failings, critical of His spirituality and haughty in our demeanor. We raise our voices, call him names, denigrate his character, all to “prove” we are right, he is “wrong” and destroy the relationship.

But what happens if we do everything right and the other person still won’t listen? Proverbs 9:7-9 says “He who corrects a scoffer gets dishonor for himself, and he who reproves a wicked man gets insults for himself. Do not reprove a scoffer, lest he hate you, reprove a wise man, and he will love you. Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser, teach a righteous man, and he will increase his learning.” There are those who will not take criticism or correction. If we fall into that category, Solomon calls us fools, pure and simple. Yet all of us know too many “Christians” who cannot handle criticism on any level. And often, the worst offenders are our leaders. You know the sort; they fly into a rage if questioned, and they intimidate everyone around them. They effectively isolate themselves from any kind of reproof. But since we value their gifts more than their character, we continue to support them, encourage them, and work for them. Which is worse, being a fool, or following one?

A third principle from Proverbs is found in 10:19 says “When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise.” In a conflict, many of us desperately want to state our case as loudly and as often (and to as many people) as we can. Sometimes, we need to learn how to stay quiet. Proverbs 17:28 says “Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is counted prudent.” (The humanistic parallel is “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, then open one’s mouth and remove all doubt”). The more we open our mouth, the more opportunity we have to put a foot firmly in it (cf. Pvbs 10:19). Instead of stating our case (or rehashing it in our minds) we need to learn how to listen. God may be trying to tell us something. But you can’t listen, if you’re talking.

This is especially important when the conflict is with one of God’s authorities. Remember Peter’s instructions to wives on how to win disobedient husbands (1 Ptr 3:1ff)? Since they are in a subordinate position, sometimes a wife’s only weapon is trust in the sovereignty of God. Knowing when not to say something may be as important as what to say. Sometimes an authority (i.e., a pastor, elder, husband, parent, boss, etc.) is dead wrong. Restraining the lips, biting back that critical word and letting the authority find out for himself that he was wrong, is sometimes the only option. It is not a matter of peace at any price, but the acknowledgment that God is sovereign. In submitting to our authorities, it is our duty to bring sin and failure to their attention.

Sometimes, rather than a direct rebuke, a searching question might be the better tactic, giving them an opportunity to find out for themselves they are wrong. Proverbs 25:15 says “By forbearance a ruler may be persuaded, and a soft tongue breaks the bone.” There are definite tactics required when confronting authority with their sin. A direct, head to head knock down argument is seldom appropriate. (I know, someone is going to bring up the example of Nathan and David. OK, when God anoints you as a prophet and gives you direct, special revelation, then you too can go head to head with the King.) God demands respect for those He has placed in authority over us. Even the Apostle Paul apologized for speaking badly of the High Priest, even though he had been unlawfully beaten (Acts 23:1-5)!

Many Christians though do not have the guts to directly confront authority (or anyone else). Instead, they violate Proverbs 11:13, “He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy conceals a matter.” Often when some of us have a complaint against another, the first thing we do is try to recruit others. We want the approval of men rather than God. And therefore we reveal secrets. We bear tales. We talk to anyone and everyone about the problem (except the people actually involved). Here’s a simple life principle: if you want to get people really mad at you, then make their mistakes public and talk behind their backs. Not only does this make it harder for others to acknowledge their error, but like cancer, it spreads frustration, anger and bitterness throughout the body.

Proverbs 25:23; “The north wind brings forth rain, and a backbiting tongue, an angry countenance.” There is a cause and effect relationship here. Talking to others about a conflict we have with another, only makes the entire situation worse. In the chapter on “Anger” we will deal with this in more detail, but backbiting is a sure-fire way to destroy relationships, divide families and split churches; no wonder the Adversary uses it so often!

Worse yet, many of us listen to these bad reports. We forget Proverbs 18:17 “The first to plead his case seems just, until another comes and examines him.” We take an unholy delight in hearing bad things about others and then develop a negative predisposition before we have heard the facts. A minor problem soon escalates into a major conflict, relationships are destroyed, sometimes forever, all because we wanted to hear some juicy gossip about another!

Instead of complaining about another, Proverbs 13:3 requires “The one who guards his mouth preserves his life; the one who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.” Too many Christians go at each other like cannibalistic piranhas over the silliest issues. But why not just let some things go? OK, your brother offended you. Perhaps he even sinned against you (though offending someone and sinning against them is not always the same thing). Surprise, surprise, he’s a sinner saved by grace, just like you. Is the issue worth getting upset, angry, gossiping about, etc.? Is this offence really worth destroying the relationship? Proverbs 17:9 is appropriate here: “He who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends.” In the grand scheme of God’s omnipotent plan, we have to ask ourselves just how serious an offense really is. Sometimes, the best way to deal with an issue is simply say, “He sinned against me, he blew it, he fell short of the glory of God, but I can let love cover this.” Dealing with conflicts and lovingly confronting one another does not require us to constantly nit-pick every fault. Think of it this way, when God saved you, did He reveal EVERY way in which you are in sin? Is there not growth and development in your Christian life that as time goes on, God reveals to you how to love and serve Him better? If God actually showed us how sinful we really are, and how disgusting those sins are in His sight, I suspect that suicide would be very common in the Christian church!

But instead, God lets “love cover a multitude” of our transgressions. Even though He warns us of the dire consequences of our sins, He covered them all in Christ. Of course He wants us to be humble before Him, and confess our sins (1 Jn 1:9) but He deals with us graciously and compassionately. Remember, God promises to discipline He disobedient children (Hebs 12:7ff). But does He strike you with a lightening bolt every time you sin against Him? Of course not; “The Lord’s lovingkindness never ceases, His mercies never fail; they spring new every morning.” Yet does He hate our sin? Of course; He hated our sin so much that Jesus had to die for them. Therefore we need to be extremely careful about how we handle the offenses and sins of our brothers.

Every conflict involves a cost and we need to learn how to “pick the hill carefully you want to die on.” Discretion says that not every battle needs be fought at this time, at this place. Grace is allowing God to work on someone, at His time. I have many times seen things in a brother’s life or even in his relationship with me that I thought needed addressing. But for a number of reasons, the most loving thing I could do for him at that point was let love “cover” that. There would be a time when perhaps God might open a door to deal with this problem; just not right now. Thus true, Biblical love is not breaking fellowship over different personalities, hurt feelings or even genuine offenses. Since God forgives us, we need to learn how to forgive others. Sometimes we just need to “lighten” up and just let some things go.

Proverbs 21:23 “He who guards his mouth and his tongue, guards his soul from troubles.” But there are some brothers, God bless ‘em, who seem to take a positive delight in being cantankerous, critical and nasty. They are looking for an excuse to fight with someone, anyone, over anything! And often (too often) the more solidly reformed they are, the more unpleasant they are to be around. They have this wonderful tool called “Reformed Theology” but they just do not know what to do with it. They are like a little boy with a hatchet, chopping up the furniture because it’s so much fun to see things go “splinter!” The Apostle Paul warned us that knowledge can lead to arrogance (1 Cor 8:1) and some people are attracted to the clarity and precision of the Reformed faith just because it gives them justification for chopping up the less informed.

Guarding our mouths means carefully thinking before we speak. Instead of using a situation as a way of demonstrating our theological sophistication (and the pleasure of putting someone else in their place) we need to learn how to say only what needs to be said. What we say is going to have an effect on someone else; will it help to heal, or will it hurt the relationship?

A sixth principle of resolving conflicts is self-evident to everyone except someone red-faced in the middle of an argument. Proverbs 15:1-2 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise makes knowledge acceptable, but the mouth of fools spouts folly.” Here, is the solution to 95% of conflict and confrontation problems between believers. If we could just learn how to speak gently with each other, at that one moment when we “feel” anything BUT gentle, we could resolve most problems before pride and arrogance blows them up into major conflicts. If instead of coming out with that snapping, biting word, or cutting remark or nasty attack, we could learn to keep our voice calm, our words sweet, our attitude humble, most conflicts would die on the vine, and even the most recalcitrant won. But we allow our anger to feed on the other person’s anger, which then feeds on ours which then feeds on theirs… ad nauseam.

Proverbs 30:33 says, “For the churning of milk produces butter, and pressing the nose brings forth blood; so the churning of anger produces strife.” Christians need to learn how to stop the spiral. Some of us still use schoolyard ethics, “but he hit me first” and think we are justified in hitting back. But God says, “Do not return evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead…” (1 Ptr 3:9). Anger is a motivational emotion God gives us to resolve a problem. It is not an excuse for strife. Our task is always to speak that which builds up, never to tear down (Eph 4:28-29).

A gentle answer is one that respects the other, that comes from a humble heart, that believes in another and will not “receive a bad report” about them. It is the manner we project and the words we use that determine whether anger is stirred up, or wrath is turned away. Expressions of affection and respect in a gentle and kind tone will do much to make one’s rebuke acceptable. This principle works, even if we don’t get it exactly right!

I remember once having an almost violent conflict with my boss at the time, a Christian leader well known for his “firm” manner. While I no longer remember what we were arguing about (except that I am sure I was right and he was wrong!), I do recall thinking it was just about time to step outside and roll up the shirt sleeves, when Proverbs 15:1-2 came to mind. I was so angry, I was still shouting when I said, “I love you like a father and I deeply appreciate all the years of friendship and guidance you’ve given me and you’re my boss and I’ll darn well shut up now and do what you say.” The silence that followed my bellow lasted an eternity. I then noticed my brother’s cheeks getting wet. After that I didn’t see so well (must have gotten something in my eyes or something). We ended up hugging, expressing respect and love for each other. Giving a gentle answer (even in a less than gentle way!) was enough to break through the conflict so that we could talk reasonably.

Hence the importance of Proverbs 16:23-24; “The heart of the wise teaches his mouth, and adds persuasiveness to his lips. Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” The sweetness here is defined as pleasant words that heal. The purpose of confrontation is always to bring about healing, rather than just condemnation (or to demonstrate that we are right), (Gal 6:1ff). Therefore no matter how badly our brothers have blown it, we have a duty to make it as easy for them as we can, to repent of their error and get back on track.

Proverbs 18:13 says, “He who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to him.” I paraphrase this as “Did you get all the facts before you tore into them?” And the application is simple, before condemning, ask questions. Often, conflicts become destructive just because we assumed certain things about the other person, that if we had just taken a little time, and asked a few questions BEFORE we took offence, the problem would have resolved itself. Christians are often willing to fight to the death over offences that NEVER actually happened. There was miscommunication, misunderstanding or confusion; but we are not willing to take the time to ask a few questions that could possibly have straightened things out.

I am amazed at how often Christians fight over such stupid things. But even more amazing is the tendency to fight even when they are agreed! But because they are more interested in opening their mouths rather than their ears, they fail to understand what the other person was really saying. Seriously! In counseling cases, I’ve often seen people scream at each other, and they were both saying the same thing! (Of course, both were rebuked, firmly, for shouting). James 1:19-20 is clear, we need to be slow to speak and slower to anger. The anger of men does not accomplish the righteousness of God. Learning to slow down and LISTEN to the other person is thus crucial to keeping problems from ripping a relationship apart.

Over the years I have often been called in to arbitrate a dispute. Otherwise godly people have a conflict that they cannot resolve on their own. Rather than risk destroying the relationship, these godly people understand the importance of seeking wisdom from an impartial source. Since I am not emotionally involved in the issue, I can listen to both sides. Now sometimes, there was clearly someone who was wrong and someone who was right. But usually, both sides were talking past one another. Sometimes one party to the conflict just did not understand what the other person was really trying to say. Not all of us are as articulate as we would like to be; sometimes it is hard to put into words our cares, concerns or clarify the issues that we are struggling with. Sometimes our emotions run so high that we literally cannot hear what the other person is really saying. Thus, having that third party who can listen to both sides can bring about a genuine resolution and reconciliation. Usually, my main contribution though is not some great theological insight that only we highly trained pastors possess; in reality, it is just helping people to hear what the other person is really trying to say.

Finally, Proverbs 29:1 needs to be remembered: “A man who hardens his neck after much reproof will suddenly be broken beyond remedy.” Some Christians just do not get it. Though a quick wit, an acerbic tongue and a condescending attitude may win arguments, they break fellowship. Often God disciplines such people with emotional, physical and even financial pain. But some people will not listen. And eventually, God will judge them, their families, their churches and their ministries.

I firmly believe that in every conflict situation, no matter what the issue, God is primarily concerned with developing within us the character of Christ (Rms 8:28-29). He could build His kingdom very nicely without us, but He is building His Kingdom through building the character of His people (1 Ptr 2:4-5). Thus in His sovereignty, He often places us in positions where our sins are exposed and we are given constant opportunities to develop into the image of His Son. Every conflict is a two edged sword; if handled properly, it can bring people to a new depth of intimacy in their relationship; however if handled improperly, it can destroy that relationship utterly. Thus we need not fear conflicts when they arise as long as we are committed to resolving them according to Biblical criteria. Sure, some conflicts may expose our sins, humble our pride and make us realize that we are not yet all that we are supposed to be; but isn’t that how we grow in grace and godliness?

Remember, it is through our weakness that His glory is magnified (1 Cor 1:26-31). We do not have to protect our pride, because we have nothing to be proud about! Learning humility is a painful but necessary lesson. We can afford to offer love and grace to our brother, even when he is being less than graceful or loving in return, because God is sovereign and working His perfect plan into our lives.